Something came up and she found herself longing for her secret garden. She has always found solace there. She has never gone back since that day she got out, after she reopened the door she locked for years. Certain things came up that makes her want to go there for a time, to just sit and think for awhile. The door was broken, the light was flickering, so she went in. The room had nothing but a few scattered papers and empty boxes. The room looks abandoned. She looked around the room and it looked like it died but she doesn’t want to revive it. After all, she’s done with the place. She then proceeded to open the door to her secret Garden, it was still how it used to look. She smiled. So she walked on thinking about things in her reality, that took her back there. As she was walking, she never noticed how the vines in her path were tighter that it came to a point where she has to push it aside. That’s when she realized, whenever she goes there, her mind is so preoccupied that she never looked around. This time, she’s been to battle, her strength is unlike before, her mind was sharper. She looked around, she looked back and forth. Her secret garden, it wasn’t a garden. She was astonished and questions flooded her mind.
Was it always like this and I just didn’t have the strength to see it how it really was? I painted it differently to somehow make it nice? Or did I use it only to make myself feel better for my reality?
My fortress, my garden, is not what seems.
She always thought she went there to seek comfort, little did she know that every time she goes there she’s just going into the woods. Now she sees how she has always bounced back and regained strength after the fact. To sharpen her senses and smooth her edges. She is a warrior after all. Warriors don’t stop they just rest and this warrior thought she was resting, all along she was sharpening her tools, training to be battle-ready when she snaps back to reality. It was not a garden for solitude, it was a training ground. She proceeds to abandoning the place, shaking her head.
The door to the woods she left open but the one leading out of the room was broken so she just went out. She stood in front of it, seeing the woods from where she looked. She thought, there was nothing left anymore. The light was still flickering, it gave her an idea. She went back out to the woods, took a bunch of twigs and branches put them in the room. She gathered the papers, the boxes, and everything that’s left of it, then she saw an old lamp with a little gas in it. She then burned them all. She then walked out of there.
She thought she needed somewhere for solace but she knows her strength now. She no longer wants, much less need, all of it. She is grateful for the lessons it gave her but she’s done with it.
She understood that, because she only locked it before, kept everything in there, so she had to go back to tie loose ends and that, she did. Walked away wounded and torn, but she was never the same when she healed and she loves every minute of it. It was liberating to her, she felt like she can do anything, survive anything after that. She was no longer wondering, there were no more questions left to ask, she got her answers. She was always good at acceptance, no matter the outcome, for as long as it’s the truth, she’s fine with it. Never did she ever want to be comforted with a lie, she found no use for it.
She never wished for anything bad on anyone, much more the people she once cared for, and the ones that she still cares for. Whenever she walks away from a relationship, it’s always because she feels she’s no longer valued, or it’s not healthy for her to stay anymore. She just got rid of a weakness the enemy can easily use against her, and that just made her stronger. Now that everything has cleared up, the dust has settled, the room was empty, there was nothing left to save, there hasn’t always been. She was just taking a little time to face it once again and burn it all down. She thought it is time to make room anyway. At least all of that is over and done with, the book is closed, the doors on the other hand have not been slammed shut because they have burned.
Time passed and she went back there, not because she misses it, but as a checkpoint for her, as she moves along. She went down there with a flashlight because she figured it would be dark. When she got down, it was pitch black dark, so she turned her flashlight on, and saw nothing but ashes. Nobody was there but her, like it has always been. As she moved the light around, she heard echoes of conversations in her head. She then told herself, everything stays here, everything looks how they should, dust. Everything returned to dust.
She accepted every single thing that the room and the forest gave her through the years. She accepted that sometimes things make a turn instead of turning out to be how she wants it. She never thought she would ever get rid of the room, especially the garden. She thought she would always end up going back there, no matter how much it puts her through, no matter what it hits her with, she would always go back. She always thought, no matter what, in the end, she can always find her home or it finds her. But then again she knows when she’s overstayed her welcome. It’s different now, she already had her peace with letting it all go and reduce everything to nothing.
She never knew, a day would come, that she will no longer care for it. No longer does it matter to her. No longer does she love it, like she used to. She never thought, she would find another that makes her smile. Then it hit her, that it all ended when she started asking questions. Everything reached its finality when she got her answers. Everything is inexistent. That’s how she loves dawn, for not only does it open a new day, but it pulls up hope from that sunrise she always found magnificent.
She realized then all she had to do was accept what it always was, what it always has been. She was never welcome in that room to stay, she was only a visitor. That may be the reason why she always felt the need to leave, it never gave her a reason to stay, it never asked her to. It never called out to her, she was always the one who went down there. It never sought her out, she was always the one to go to it. She knows she should have known then, but the world kept her preoccupied enough for her not to notice. She was always comforted by what she thought was her secret garden, but in reality she was embraced by hooks and thorns, she always had been, she was just blinded. She was unnecessarily kind to them, but every time she left, she became the villain. Never did she walk out without a scratch or a bruise. She wondered because she was never there to destroy it, but the darkness of that place was too much for her to bear and it was not for hers to bear. All it ever did was hurt her, but like any illusion, once she’s healed she went back. And it’s finally over. She realized how she gave it too much credit than it deserves. She was never welcome there, she was never the one that was meant to stay there forever. It was a part of her, and it’s over.
She started walking away from it and she felt lighter and she was smiling. If the ashes rise up to where she is, she wouldn’t mind, after all, it gave her a lot when it was still with her. Despite what life has put her through, it never made her cruel. Though it was all worthwhile, she knows that oftentimes, things, places, characters or chapters in her life have reached their ending.
Endings as they say are beginnings too, I’m paraphrasing of course. But the dawn broke when she came up. She looked at the sky and thought, hmmm, that’s where she had always looked when she was happy or sad. She thought, she could get used to this, staring at the blue sky. A refreshing change from the wood colour of the trees from that forest. She has always looked up at that big blue, and sometimes he smiles like the sun shining. Although she saw the sky from time to time when she came up during the battle, but she was so focused on the battle plan, she didn’t even notice.
-juliet 20200129 1639