If it Were True

If it were true, it would conquer death much more if it were just a fight.

If it were true, no matter how many times it hurts, you just heal from it.

If it were true, no matter the distance, you make not even a glance to anyone else.

If it were true, nothing will break you, it will only make you stronger.

If it were true, you would fight, throwing in the towel will never be an option.

If it were true, no matter how many times you try to leave, you always come back.

If it were true, no matter how much you try to forget, you just never could.

If it were true, no mountain is ever too high for you to climb.

If it were true, nothing is impossible to do.

If it were true, you could never breathe the same.

If it were true, you close your eyes but each slumber deems restless.

If it were true, there is no time limit to what you can do.

If it were true, you epitomize all those love songs.

If it were true, you would put to shame those romantic movies and shows.

If it were true no romance novelist could have conceived the moments you have encapsulated into tiny moving photographs.

If it were true you would never choose to walk away, for you know you can’t.

All of those who have loved know this, if it were true.

-juliet 20200611 1816

Times Like This

The world is getting smaller and it is closing in. Dreams are better alternate universes to the one you wake up to. Nothing much you need but even the necessities are scarce. You want so many things but you realize they do not hold water. So you go back to the basics, you go back to how you started. How the decision came to be the best choice you had. How high your hopes were, even if you had to start from scratch. Starting over would be easy if only you’re packing full. But it is a little challenging when all you have is a one way ticket, pouch full of hopes and dreams, with a boat-load of excess baggage.

So you start over, get on that plane, leave a life you wanted, as a feeble attempt to chase something better. As you get off the plane, everything was strange but it only feeds your curious eye and wildly adventurous energy. You have always ran a marathon for you know anything worth having is never won on a sprint. All of your patience are saved for the end game. You have loved and lost people along the way. You have to know whether a wall or a bridge you have to build. Sometimes even determine which ones you destroy too.

Each step you soldier on, because you know it is part of the journey. You pass every obstacle course with or without damage. When the wounds cut too deep, scratches are longer than your imagination, you just give yourself time to heal and just get back on your feet. Every turn and curve ball you handle it with grace.

Finally, you’re closer than you imagined, but it’s the steepest uphill climb and you’re exhausted. You’re running out of willpower to fight. You’re rationing what you have left. Then one day, you remember, let’s go back, retrace your track, before you got on that plane, before you painfully left a life you don’t really dread, but you were just hoping for something better. So the excess baggage thankfully is non-existent anymore. The one-way ticket has been used, no more excess baggage, that leaves you with your pouch. Breathing in deeply as you open a bag of dust.

You were already doing the thing you loved, you already had a life. But this thirst for adventure, this drive for leveling up, this yearning to be on a quest for knowledge, got in the way. Now, you’re almost drowning, with no shore in sight, so you keep swimming but then as your energy chips away every moment, you float from time to time. But instead of calming down, anxiety skyrockets because you’re floating around. I only wish I could say, times like this, except there hasn’t been any before.

-juliet 20200528 1706

Blue From Science

I was out today, and on a very crowded place I found myself looking for you blue. That’s why I always felt I belong to the sea because it is you I long for. I feel comforted when I look up the sky because it was you all along. But again I think I blew it. Story of my life.

I find my nights ending thinking about you, times when I still saw you everyday. Hearing your voice behind me, making some silly joke and laughing afterwards. When I start my day, when I have minutes to spare, my mind travels to the thought of what you might be doing? Have you started your day and such.

It still makes me smile when you made a goofy dance right outside the room. It still makes me chuckle when I remember our silly conversations. It still makes me grin, when I think about that walk. Somehow, wherever I am in this city, it makes me smile thinking of the possibility for you to be around a corner, with that contagious smile of yours.

I’ve turning every corner with excitement, and I will until it wears me down and out. I may end up seeing you or not. I don’t even know if you’re still in the city but I’m glad our paths crossed blue.

-juliet 20200217 2034

Secret Garden

Something came up and she found herself longing for her secret garden. She has always found solace there. She has never gone back since that day she got out, after she reopened the door she locked for years. Certain things came up that makes her want to go there for a time, to just sit and think for awhile. The door was broken, the light was flickering, so she went in. The room had nothing but a few scattered papers and empty boxes.  The room looks abandoned. She looked around the room and it looked like it died but she doesn’t want to revive it. After all, she’s done with the place.  She then proceeded to open the door to her secret Garden, it was still how it used to look. She smiled. So she walked on thinking about things in her reality, that took her back there. As she was walking, she never noticed how the vines in her path were tighter that it came to a point where she has to push it aside. That’s when she realized, whenever she goes there, her mind is so preoccupied that she never looked around. This time, she’s been to battle, her strength is unlike before, her mind was sharper. She looked around, she looked back and forth. Her secret garden, it wasn’t a garden. She was astonished and questions flooded her mind.

Was it always like this and I just didn’t have the strength to see it how it really was?  I painted it differently to somehow make it nice? Or did I use it only to make myself feel better for my reality?
My fortress, my garden, is not what seems. 

She always thought she went there to seek comfort, little did she know that every time she goes there she’s just going into the woods. Now she sees how she has always bounced back and regained strength after the fact. To sharpen her senses and smooth her edges. She is a warrior after all. Warriors don’t stop they just rest and this warrior thought she was resting, all along she was sharpening her tools, training to be battle-ready when she snaps back to reality.  It was not a garden for solitude, it was a training ground. She proceeds to abandoning the place, shaking her head.

The door to the woods she left open but the one leading out of the room was broken so she just went out. She stood in front of it, seeing the woods from where she looked. She thought, there was nothing left anymore. The light was still flickering, it gave her an idea. She went back out to the woods, took a bunch of twigs and branches put them in the room. She gathered the papers, the boxes, and everything that’s left of it,  then she saw an old lamp with a little gas in it. She then burned them all. She then walked out of there.
She thought she needed somewhere for solace but she knows her strength now. She no longer wants, much less need, all of it. She is grateful for the lessons it gave her but she’s done with it.

She understood that, because she only locked it before, kept everything in there, so she had to go back to tie loose ends and that, she did. Walked away wounded and torn, but she was never the same when she healed and she loves every minute of it. It was liberating to her, she felt like she can do anything, survive anything after that.  She was no longer wondering, there were no more questions left to ask, she got her answers. She was always good at acceptance, no matter the outcome, for as long as it’s the truth, she’s fine with it.  Never did she ever want to be comforted with a lie, she found no use for it. 

She never wished for anything bad on anyone, much more the people she once cared for,  and the ones that she still cares for. Whenever she walks away from a relationship, it’s always because she feels she’s no longer valued, or it’s not healthy for her to stay anymore. She just got rid of a weakness the enemy can easily use against her, and that just made her stronger. Now that everything has cleared up, the dust has settled, the room was empty, there was nothing left to save, there hasn’t always been. She was just taking a little time to face it once again and burn it all down. She thought it is time to make room anyway. At least all of that is over and done with, the book is closed, the doors on the other hand have not been slammed shut because they have burned.

Time passed and she went back there, not because she misses it, but as a checkpoint for her, as she moves along. She went down there with a flashlight because she figured it would be dark. When she got down, it was pitch black dark, so she turned her flashlight on, and saw nothing but ashes. Nobody was there but her, like it has always been. As she moved the light around, she heard echoes of conversations in her head. She then told herself, everything stays here, everything looks how they should, dust. Everything returned to dust.

She accepted every single thing that the room and the forest gave her through the years. She accepted that sometimes things make a turn instead of turning out to be how she wants it. She never thought she would ever get rid of the room, especially the garden. She thought she would always end up going back there, no matter how much it puts her through, no matter what it hits her with, she would always go back.  She always thought, no matter what, in the end, she can always find her home or it finds her.  But then again she knows when she’s overstayed her welcome.  It’s different now, she already had her peace with letting it all go and reduce everything to nothing.

She never knew, a day would come, that she will no longer care for it. No longer does it matter to her. No longer does she love it, like she used to.  She never thought, she would find another that makes her smile.  Then it hit her, that it all ended when she started asking questions. Everything reached its finality when she got her answers.  Everything is inexistent.  That’s how she loves dawn, for not only does it open a new day, but it pulls up hope from that sunrise she always found magnificent.

She realized then all she had to do was accept what it always was, what it always has been. She was never welcome in that room to stay, she was only a visitor.  That may be the reason why she always felt the need to leave, it never gave her a reason to stay, it never asked her to.  It never called out to her, she was always the one who went down there. It never sought her out, she was always the one to go to it. She knows she should have known then, but the world kept her preoccupied enough for her not to notice. She was always comforted by what she thought was her secret garden, but in reality she was embraced by hooks and thorns, she always had been, she was just blinded. She was unnecessarily kind to them, but every time she left, she became the villain. Never did she walk out without a scratch or a bruise. She wondered because she was never there to destroy it, but the darkness of that place was too much for her to bear and it was not for hers to bear. All it ever did was hurt her, but like any illusion, once she’s healed she went back. And it’s finally over. She realized how she gave it too much credit than it deserves. She was never welcome there, she was never the one that was meant to stay there forever. It was a part of her, and it’s over.

She started walking away from it and she felt lighter and she was smiling. If the ashes rise up to where she is, she wouldn’t mind, after all, it gave her a lot when it was still with her. Despite what life has put her through, it never made her cruel. Though it was all worthwhile, she knows that oftentimes, things, places, characters or chapters in her life have reached their ending.

Endings as they say are beginnings too, I’m paraphrasing of course.  But the dawn broke when she came up.  She looked at the sky and thought, hmmm, that’s where she had always looked when she was happy or sad.  She thought, she could get used to this, staring at the blue sky.  A refreshing change from the wood colour of the trees from that forest.  She has always looked up at that big blue, and sometimes he smiles like the sun shining.  Although she saw the sky from time to time when she came up during the battle, but she was so focused on the battle plan, she didn’t even notice.  

-juliet 20200129 1639

Avista

She stares intently at this lady who bears this youthful, gorgeous face, as her reflection does the same. She ties her hair up, putting each and every strand aside to clear it out of her face. She reaches out for her brush, put on foundation to start. Shape up her eyebrows, painted her eyes to give them that boost that they never really need. She put on mascara on her lashes that need not to be thicker. She ever so gently put blush on her cheeks and stained her lips. She then powdered her face to finish. She then took her hair tie off and began curling her hair. Spritz hairspray of course or it wouldn’t stay like that. She smiled in admiration of what she has done. Magnificent. She put on her dress and jewels and went on.

She reserved a seat for him. All throughout the night, many have asked for the seat and her answer was always there’s someone sitting there. One time she stood up to check on him. She opened the door and their eyes met. She didn’t say anything because she thought the gesture was enough, and it should be. She went back to her seat, the people she was surrounded with had told her time and again maybe he’s not coming anymore, but she played deaf to those comments. But the guys that have asked for the seat has not stopped ever since she sat there. That’s why some people would say maybe give that guy a chance to sit and then she would respond with he might come and see that someone is already sitting and I don’t want him to think I’ve replaced him. She has gone numb to the shrugs and sighs of the people around her. But she was always like that, stern and stubborn. Though you need not tell her that she is or was wrong because when she realizes it, she holds herself accountable.

She finally decided to go in the back, opened the door and said what’s going on, I saved a seat for you. And he responded with, you should start looking for someone to sit on it because I can’t. She didn’t reply, she felt that was enough, she had enough. She ever so calmly shut the door, walked back to her seat with tears rolling down her cheeks like waterfalls. By every step she takes, her heart breaks ten times greater than when it shattered as she closed the door. But she remained headstrong despite being weakened by every move she makes. She wiped off the tears on her face, dusted off the seat and sat back down like a lady on the seat she reserved for so long for him. Looked each of her people in the eyes, still tears running down her face but with a straight face she says it’s over. One of them argued, but she was sure of it. She wept for as long as she thought she has to. She knows she will stand again. She thought about how to other men, it was the best seat in the house, but completely meant nothing to him. She should have seen it, she should have heeded her doubts from the very beginning. But she found no use crying over spilled milk. And why should she keep it for longer, based on a false hope, on a hypothetical, she is worth so much more than that. She doesn’t need to be told twice because that’s how she was raised, she could almost hear her mother, Once is enough for a wise man. So it was indeed, over.

Then came a time, she stood up and moved to her seat. She started to smile back at the gentlemen who cast their gaze on that seat. She found herself taking chances. She was waiving back on gentlemen who waives to her. She was back to her old self and better. She was busy talking with the people around her and little did she know, someone sat on the seat. She looked at him, and he looked back. He didn’t bother asking her or anything. She didn’t bother to talk. But her glances have always been enough for anyone who has encountered her. That just made her smile, the thought of this guy being so brazen to sit there, but he just looked at her. Not a smile, not even a smirk, just eyes forward. She could kick him out but, she’s curious like that. She wants to see where this is going and how everything will unfold.

Then it made her think, this could be that light in the horizon. She doesn’t know if it will lead to a great sunrise or it’s just a breadcrumb, but it excites her. That’s when it hit her that the thought of him was a strange distant memory that was once in her reality. Then she knew she was back. But this time, she’s wiser, calmer and more collected. A change of scenery right in front of her.

-juliet 20191113 1414

Paraphrasing

When her world shattered into pieces right before her eyes. When her heart broke right before she could hold it. When she no longer felt because she was feeling everything at the same time. She was down for quite some time. Everyday she convinced herself to get up. For a thousand times with millions of reasons, she just never had the energy. What little energy she has left, she used to survive every day. Every day, she counts on the little wins but breaks down on the little losses. Not because she was weak but she was weakened by what had happened. She still needed to regain her strength. She knows it too. She knows that she will get back on her feet but she has to give it time.

Time and again, frustrations would set in on her and she would try to fight it and stop when she remembers that she needs to go through every single day and that there’s no shortcut to this.

Then she remembered how it is to be loved. She remembered how it looks like, how it felt like. She grew up feeling it. She forgot how screwed up this whole world is that she thought she was one of those who didn’t grow up with it. She forgot that’s what’s rare about her, she knows when she is loved and wanted. She forgot how that’s the sole reason why she never settled for anything that falls short because she is whole.

Often times, people would roll up their issues into a ball and throw it at her face, she used to retaliate but now, she understands. It was never about her, it was about them. They’re watching an entirely different movie. She was made as the bad guy for so many people’s stories, she has been painted as a villain more than the hero, she has been referred to as the coldest, heartless person they have met, but little do they know that she doesn’t mind it. She doesn’t mind being the villain to other people’s stories if that would somehow make them feel a little better about themselves, have whatever burden their carrying a little lighter. She doesn’t mind being the bad guy in whoever’s story if that would help their issues and insecurities. She doesn’t mind portrayed as cold and heartless, if that gives them the boost that they need. She is blessed beyond her comprehension and that’s why she believes that’s her way of giving back. She has this responsibility to be the punching bag because she doesn’t have insecurities and she has little to no issues about how her life is. And she can take the blows.

But of course she is imperfect, it takes a toll on her from time to time but she is sturdy enough to recover. She gets tired too. She falls short too. But she always followed what is right. She never justifies a wrong doing. To her a mistake is a mistake so she holds herself accountable for all her decisions and mistakes. But never did let words loose. She never said anything she doesn’t mean, now if someone says it hurt them, she will apologize for their feelings getting hurt but nonetheless she meant them.

Now she’s up and walking. She’s glad she took the time to completely heal. Starting over has never been a problem for her. She has always been a you-don’t-have-to-tell-me-twice kind of girl. If she thinks, you no longer value her as a person, you don’t even have to say it, she’s gone. She easily forgives, but she never forgets. Forgiving and giving it another chance is totally different for her. To her, you can always forgive everyone, but not everyone can come back in after. Like she never forgot who kicked her when she was down, who laughed at her misfortunes, who stuck their finger in her wounds but she’s not vengeful anymore. She figured she was too good at it that it got scary.

She believes a lot of things are better left unsaid, people don’t have to know your story they are not really interested because again, they’re watching a different movie. It’s never worth the effort to explain yourself. I have always loved that quote you don’t have to explain your life to people because the ones that really matter need no explanation, and of course I’m paraphrasing.

-juliet 20191107 1331

All That I Need

Maybe I’ll write about what you’ve lost
It’s everything I’ve got
I wonder if it’s worth my time
To even think of a line

Nothing was there for me to gain
All it caused was pain
Though it lifted something up
And it was so much more than I thought

Knock on my door
I shall open it but not like before
Not with hate, not with love
But indifference from the moment I turn the knob

Tell me about you
And I’ll respond like any stranger would
Ask me questions, I’ll be glad to answer them
It doesn’t matter why or when

No time will be wasted as soon as you leave
The peace I have is all that I need
I was born wanted and loved
The generation I was born with, that is rare to have

I know what it looks like, how it feels like
Anything less than that is not worth the hike
I forgave myself for being stubborn
I apologized because it took me so long

What I know now is that it has passed
My reality is getting better and it’s not that bad
Wherever life may lead
The peace I gained is all that I need

-juliet 20191024 1510

The Day Came

I opened my eyes and suddenly I realized, I was no longer in the ocean. The image of the battlefield was nothing but a memory now. Every afternoon teardrop and sleepless night, I no longer see in my rear-view mirror, it seems so far behind me. I looked down on my arm, no more bandages, no more wounds, not a single scar in sight. I have healed.

I sat up and looked out the window, I see the leaves, hmmm Autumn. A beautiful ending to the spring flowers that await. I smiled with a ray of the sun, warmed my cheek, touched my face ever so softly like a kiss. I fixed my bed and I noticed the sheets were new.

I got off the bed and as soon as my feet touched the floor I felt the bed tremble. Like an old alarm going crazy trying to wake up the one that set it. It’s a signal you see, to start your day, to me at that moment it was a sign of a restart to my life. Like a character from any game, you have to die to restart with the hopes of being wiser and get farther.

I went to the kitchen and emptied the old coffee to make a new one. I grabbed two pieces of sliced bread to toast and waited. The coffee was done, so I poured the coffee on my mug that said donut ever give up. The mug was so me, the corniest puns can make me laugh and the sole reason of it being stupid. It makes me laugh even harder when someone is seriously saying the joke believing it’s funny. Well, funny is subjective after all. Ding! My toasts are done. I put it on a plate. I opened the fridge to grab the coffee creamer and my cream cheese. So I poured cream on my coffee, some sugar and put the mug on the table. I spread out cream cheese on my toast and then I sat down. My morning started.

I finished breakfast. I unplugged my phone, connected it on my speaker and turned the shower on. I brushed my teeth and as the water warmed up, I hopped in the shower. Singing my heart out. Out of the shower and into my towel. I head to my room and got dressed. Check the bus schedule, put on my boots and my jacket. I head out locked the door behind me and walked to the bus stop. I was walking merrily as I was busy putting on my earphones and connecting it with my phone.

I looked up and as soon as my point of view was on that bus stop, everything seemed to flash before my mind but on a time-lapse. From that very busy day, to every single decision, moment after another, and then those mornings, those unbearable mornings. When a box fell off with all the pieces I bottled up, from plotting out a road map, putting on timestamps to each and every turn, to ticking out accomplished tasks. From late nights that somehow made me feel nostalgic to days that seemed longer than usual. From realizing that it was time to tie up loose ends to the very last day when I got my answer. It all went from surviving each and every day without breaking, to picking up the pieces. Then little by little, a step towards this very day.

My layover is done. I got off the bus stop with my unseen wounds still alive and well from the battle. Now on a full ten and completely healed, I’m once again at a bus stop, getting on that restart, wiser. Rebuilding each and every day until my road is paved. I still get reminded from time to time but it makes me smile, because I came back from that, even stronger now, wiser and braver.

I see the bus now. I thought this is where it begins, me taking a chance at life with that drive that I always had. That curiosity that has always taken me to depths that I never thought I’d discover. That thirst for knowledge that has made me travel to places I’ve never stepped foot on. I was excited again. The bus finally came and in my head I whispered to myself:

I’m back baby!

-juliet 20191015 2305

Revamped

I just needed a break

I just needed to stop

I just needed the open seas

It has always been about me

I just wanted to recharge

I just wanted to regroup

I just wanted to know

It was never about the strength of the blow

I had more than just a break but a holiday

I had more than just a stop but a layover

I had more than just a glance of the sea but an ocean

I was myself again

I had more than a recharge but a renewal

I had more than a regroup but a rebuild

I had more than just knowledge but wisdom

I gained more than I asked for and I was home

-juliet 20191015 1238

I Don’t Need Sprinkles All the Time

Funny how things seem when you look back. You know that you haven’t gone that far basing on how much time has passed but a lot has changed. You need a restart after all. What better way to do it than to go back to where your starting point have always been. Not ever forgetting the very first brick you placed as you work your way through. Now you can somehow see yourself more than half-way back to where you were.

I woke up one morning, to an answer I have been waiting for, and all of a sudden it was over. And yet, little did I know it was a chance for a new beginning. After tying up loose ends and burying hatchets. It was for me to realize how much I can carry without faltering. With everything that has happened I can’t help but be excited for the future and what’s to come.

I knew that very moment, I was going to be back a hundred percent. I forgave myself whenever I have one of those days. I was asked why I didn’t even try to fight for it, why I had no reply, nothing. And I said, in my head it was just like me going there saying what I came there for, got a response, then I walked away. I have never felt the need to fill something in me because I was blessed enough to be complete by myself. So with the response that I got, I was fine with it and told myself that it was my cue to exit.

To me there was never a need to fight for anything if it really is for you. I mean some things in life are not really essential if you think about it, it may add something to it, like sprinkles on a cupcake. A cupcake is still a cupcake with or without sprinkles on them. So if you ask me why I didn’t do anything about what I got? Because I don’t really need sprinkles all the time.

-juliet 20191001 1551