This is My Layover

I haven’t had the pleasure of keying in anything since I got home. Now that I have some time to kill, I thought of jotting down some thoughts that have been lingering my mind for the past few days. Whether it’s because of the jet lag or whatever but it has not left me yet, so. So far, in this year, half-way in nothing has gone my way. And I have followed through my resolution to go with whatever is thrown my way.

I thought for a few days before the flight while packing up, what was this trip for, Lord knows I need these 2 months to accomplish a lot of things. I then came up with, maybe it’s a much needed break to recharge my strength for the remaining months. Maybe it’s for me to stop and smell the roses. Maybe it’s for me to remember my world before my reality now. Maybe it’s to remind myself of who I am. But after hours up in the air, as I looked at my ticket for the next flight, I checked my layover and it dawned on me, this is my layover. Life is taking me somewhere and this is my layover. Like any long-haul flight, the destination is worth the travel, the uncomfortable seats and the tight washroom space. It doesn’t matter the people you encounter on the plane, it doesn’t matter who you’re with, what matters is who you’re getting to. The people waiting for you are the ones who choose you, those who want to see how you are because they really want to know how life is treating you.

Sometimes layovers are memorable too but it’s only what it is, a layover. After all the dashes in life are what matters most. I’m on a long-haul flight to a great destination, or at least to somewhere I love.

-juliet 1835 (Phil.Std Time) 20190715

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Lo Siento Mi Corazon

Lo siento mi corazon for I have never given you a voice in my life.  It was never because you were never right but I know I was scared you would be wrong.

Lo siento mi corazon for I treated you as if you would never do me any good.  You always have that burning fire that worried me, that you might be too hasty and I would end up dealing with the aftermath.

Lo siento mi corazon for I never believed in you. I guess a part of me was in denial for I truly know what you’re capable of.  I know your strength and it’s overwhelming that I didn’t want to believe it.

Lo siento mi corazon for I have always made decisions that I never even thought of consulting you.  Some of those decisions I know now that you should have been the one to make the call because it broke you in the end. It broke you too many times.

Lo siento mi corazon for causing you your darkest hours.  It must have been hard waking up one day and everything was in total chaos but you had to walk through it.

Lo siento mi corazon for watching you bleed.  I heard you say do something, but that was beyond me.  I knew then no matter how much I would try to stop the bleeding, I can’t.

Lo siento mi corazon for when I finally made you take over and call the shots, it was already the final battle.

Lo siento mi corazon for shutting you out all the time.  I don’t mean to, I guess I have been so overly protective of breaking you, I broke you even harder each time.

Lo siento mi corazon for being stubborn.  I never meant for us to be on opposite sides of anything, but that’s what ends up happening every time.

Lo siento mi corazon for always putting you last.  And because I truly know your strength, I abused it and went to battles that ended up hurting you so bad and left you healing on your own.   Which you have always done ever so gracefully that I got used to it.

Lo siento mi corazon I never wanted you to lose.  But maybe it’s meant to be that way for you to see some things come to light. It may have shown me how strong and brave you are while showing you also that it’s time to let go.

Lo siento mi corazon for blaming you for our 3-days darkness, the clean slate heartbreak and the finale.  I know you should have been the first one I asked forgiveness from, but instead I put you on trial.

Lo siento mi corazon, no lo haré de nuevo.

-juliet 20190524 0221

Otrera

Barritus!

Slowly walking, taking careful steps while looking around. In a completely different ground, familiar place but with an entirely new scenery. Or maybe I changed, or maybe as my wounds have healed, my old goggles have shattered and now I can see clearly. What role each character had to play in the story leading to that final battle. I moved forward by retracing my steps.

Barritus!

As I moved along, I have noticed I was getting better. No arms, no shield, no armour. Just old bandages that I take off along the way.  I reached in my pocket, I found a hairtie, put my hair up like I always do.  I stepped on a puddle, a clear one.  I glanced at my reflection and saw that I looked like myself again.  I am awake and on a full ten.  My eyes sharp, my mind clear, I had my battle face on.  I have bounced back, stronger, wiser but calmer.  I noticed I have no battle gear and if I have learned anything from the last battle, I don’t need one.  That’s the new warrior that I have become.  I smiled and kept walking.

Barritus!

I saw flowers from a distance, as I was heading towards it, I realized they were tulips, my favourite.  I looked at them, beautiful and of various colours.  I pondered on how I have always loved them, from the outside mysterious as if it has been keeping a secret but once opened, you realize it has been showing you its entirety all along.  I heard something, a sound of an arrow in flight and hit a mark.  I went on to search it.  I saw a tree, I walk towards it and then saw the arrow pierced through its trunk with a note.

On the note it said:

You thought it was easy for Me that morning you were looking up to Me with those big brown eyes that I remember picking each hue Myself.  You thought it wasn’t painful for Me trying to catch each and every tear falling down those cheeks that I sculpted Myself.  You thought it didn’t hurt when I heard you say it’s so early in the morning over and over. Not even a sign of any trembling on that voice but the tears kept coming.  You thought it meant nothing to Me when I was the one who watched you not taking a single bite, not a drop of water all day.  I allowed all that to happen because I want you to discover how much stronger you are than you think.  You are one of Mine, not everyone is.

I smiled and nodded.  My Commander-in-chief knows me so well.  I felt a kind of peace that’s indescribable.  That’s when I knew I did good, I did it right.  I never knew how long I have carried it that when the weight was lifted as if everything that’s heavy has left me.  I knew then, a battle is up ahead.  But I fully embrace what will come, learning from what was before as I work on it today.  To run without my armour accelerates my speed.  To fight with no shield is nothing but liberating.  To go to battle without my weapons is my opportunity to test my ability, as a general, as a warrior, as a foot soldier.  Obey as commanded in full surrender of His orders.  All of that I bring to battle with me and no one can take it away.

Barritus!

-juliet 20190410 1427

This Is My Stop

I was walking on a dirt road and finally a bus. I looked back one last time on the shattered pieces of that haunted house I just battled in and then a last glance at the one I recovered in. I was on my way. I stepped on the bus and picked a seat. Then it began. As I looked out the window, I would see beautiful scenery but my mind was still in that dark old house. My thoughts were still all about the battle, the recovery and everything else in between. All that has happened kept playing in my head. I would fall asleep as I tire myself from thinking and feeling. Then a stop request, someone was getting off. I looked out the window, I saw the soldier looking at me. I thought maybe it was a mistake. Then again on the next stop. Then I wondered, I was on my way, the battle was over he already won, what was he doing. It happened more times than I thought. But I was tired. I thought that battle concluded everything. Brought things to finality. So the bus went on, we crossed to another province. I never saw the soldier again. I saw some familiar faces get on and off the bus and as time went on things slowly went back to normal. I was feeling great and excited to see what is ahead. Confused with where this bus is taking me really, but I embrace the challenges of unplanned days ahead.

When I entered that old house, I was armed and able, a general I pride myself as, but when I walked out I realized I am just another foot soldier, no matter the stars, no matter the stripes. I am not in charge of the plan, my mission is to play my part for a bigger purpose.

I saw an old notebook that had grocery lists written in the pages. Then I flipped and flipped hoping for a blank one, well half of the notebook was. I could not find a pen. I tried to borrow one but they were also using it or they do not have one. So I thought maybe at the next long stop I would be able to get one. Bus went on. Then that next stop came. I saw a convenience store, and I chuckled to myself thinking, how convenient. As I was about to go in, I saw a man walking out with a pen on his hand, he hopped on his car and left. I was delighted because then I knew they sold pens. As soon as I walked in the store, my heart sank when I saw the lady drop the empty box of pens. Then I saw these numbers on the box. I tried my luck and asked the lady anyway if she had any more, and then she said the guy bought the last one. I thought to myself I cannot believe I just saw the very last pen leave. I glanced at the clock, I saw those numbers again. I just said thanks then I left the store.

Went back on the bus, still with no pen, I tried to look under my seat and saw the bus number which were the same ones as the box and time. I started to read the grocery list, and from time and again I would come across those numbers. I just closed the notebook, put it in my pocket and looked out the window. at the next stop, there was someone who came in and for some reason, I was drawn to his boots as he came in and I saw what I thought was a pen. I got excited and before the driver drove off, I picked it up and sat back down. Then I immediately tried to see if it worked, I realized it was a mechanical pencil. There was no lead in it. I was a little bit frustrated and then I looked at the pencil and saw those numbers again. I then tried to rack my brain of what it meant, it had to mean something for me to be seeing it as I was looking for a pen. And suddenly, I remembered, I gave my pen to my Commander-in-chief. As I was looking for a new one in an attempt to plan out what I was to do next or where I would go. I no longer have it, or would I want it back, I am in complete submission to whatever He will write and how He will write the rest of my story.

I dozed off unintentionally, I dreamt of the soldier. I woke up a mess. I pondered why do I feel like this, I have been alright post-war so far. So I told myself that maybe there are just going to be days like these, where I am simply not okay. But then I thought I want to do something about this and stop everything. I started to think all of it over. I have always ended up hurting every time and what can I do to make this stop. I have to decide. I saw a stop sign. That is when I figured it out, I will just stop. I will stop hurting, I will stop thinking, I will just stop. Stop thinking with the hypotheticals, stop with what could have been and concentrate on what is to make way to what will be. So I put everything that happened on a time line and came up with a reality out of it. Some things may not have made sense but I thought it may have not for now, but maybe someday I will see. I sorted things out and saw how it all happened, once I had a grasp of the reality I was presented with in the process, I knew what I had to do, accept it. Hard as it was for I was playing tug of war with my stubborn heart, but I had to be firm about it. She has to see that it is for her own good. Once I had everything set, I felt good.

I finally pressed the stop request. After all, the biggest losses in our lives give us the best lessons, provide us with brilliant wisdom to carry forward. I may have lost that one but my story is not over. I waited and when the bus stopped, I left the notebook, the pencil with no lead, I left everything, and got off the bus. Took a deep breath as the bus drove off, I remembered that I had baggages with me when I got on the bus, and that is when I realized I really did leave everything. I was not meant to take them with me, I am at peace. I looked to my right and saw the bus stop sign. Then I thought This is my stop.

-juliet 20190403 1448

Luna

When days are tough that all you can do is write. And write everything that you can with anything you have left. When days are unbearable that all you can do is play a tune. And you play as instensely as you can with the pieces that’s left of your broken soul. When days are showered with stones thrown at you, filled with all of life’s atrocities. And you stop. You just close your eyes, breathe in with all your might and breathe out all of your frustrations hoping for the burden to get lighter. But it doesn’t.

When you no longer pay attention to the moon because you know very well there will come a time it will leave. But it does, you think of it, that maybe you should have given it even just a gaze that it deserves, for it might have always left but it does come back. At least you know from the get-go how it is, never will it leave you doubting because it always comes back. Maybe it left because it got right in between 2 things that matters to it the most, enough for it to be torn apart. Maybe it was never really because it wants to leave but what it has on its hand is far greater than it can bear. But you never really loved it enough to find out. You just immediately thought the worst of the moon. Because you know what it’s capable of. But hasn’t it ever occured to you that maybe, it’s as unstable as the tides when there’s a storm because you never cared enough to calm it down? When will it ever stop being about its phases?

Not all who have super powers use everything that they have, whether a villain or a super hero. Sometimes, the fear or the intimidation towards them are not because of what they are doing but of what they are capable of. Sometimes people birth monsters in their own heads.

-juliet 20190205 1422

It’s Just One of Those

Mornings that as soon as you open your eyes everything already seemed wrong

The kind that you know every hour is going to feel long

Those mornings that your mind says get up

The ones that you just want to lay there and want the time to stop

Days that you can’t wait to end

You put on the brightest smile just to blend

Nothing feels right

But you’re trying with all your might

Finally dusk, the day is almost over

When every single part of you feels weaker as the night gets closer

You feel proud to have done what you should

But even that didn’t change your mood

Those nights you get ready for bed

Then you lay there with thoughts in your head

You try to pray, you want to pray but only tears are coming out

Even though you want to shout

You let it all out, tears are prayers too, people say

You’re happy with your life but sometimes you are just not okay

Everything including this, too shall pass, I suppose

But you’re not okay, not tonight, because it’s just one of those

-juliet 20190121 2213

I’m Up

Such a cliche to write something on the first day of the year but so what?  I have decided not to pray for anything this year, and it’s because of what I went through the past year but let’s stop talking about last year for a second or the year before that or the one before, it’s not doing us any good.  For me, no more regrets, everything I ever did and said, I stand by it.  I will not wish for this year to be all good or to be better than the ones before, I will let it be how it should.  Not that I’m hoping for it to be all bad, but whether good things happen or otherwise, I will face it.  For the good times give us memories to look back on and the bad times makes us hopeful about the year to come.  No longer do I guard my heart, I will let her handle situations that she needs to deal with on her own for if I have learned anything in the last year, it’s how much her strength is.  But one thing I’ll make sure of, I will make the good times more fun than they already are and the bad times funny, for at least not only have you gained lesson(s) for life but a story to tell.  I have some bumps and bruises from last year’s battle but going in the new one, I will wear the scars like badges of honour I have earned from that fight.  I have everything and everyone that I need, but I can make room for more.

-juliet 20190101 2132

Warrior Wake Up

Don’t put a period where God has put a comma

I saw this yesterday and it got me thinking. I couldn’t even dare do that. This past year has taught me a lot of things, though it still can’t trump my worst year which was a few years back. The reason it’s not that bad for me because I believe I have already experienced the worst year. So a few years ago on my worst year, it was a year of utter confusion, of feeling like I wanted to turn my heart off, something like that. But this time, it’s different or maybe I got stronger, I’m thankful.

I’m thankful for all the lessons the year has taught me

I’m thankful for all that came to light and made me realize who I really am

I’m thankful for every thing that happened that made me retrace my steps and reminded me what I’m capable of

I’m thankful for the door that finally closed and made me ponder that maybe I kept my heart open to it for so long

I’m thankful for the support system I have that fuels my drive for life’s battles every time

I’m thankful for the people who showed me what role they play in my story even though it wasn’t what I thought it was

I’m thankful for the tears on my pillow at night or in the morning for they were prayers when my heart couldn’t speak and I know each drop was heard

I’m thankful to realize that I have a heart that is stronger than I thought she was

I’m thankful for the ones that I have lost, it was fun while it lasted

I swore not to have a New Year’s resolution for the next year. I just pray for my family’s health and happiness then I’m good. Anything else in my life, I will just let it happen. After all, discovering a whole new side of myself that I intend to keep, learning that my heart could go to battles with me, what could life throw at me that I can’t endure. I’m not taunting, but I’m just positive that I have slayed mightier dragons in the past, the more powerful the dragons you slay, sharper will your sword be, thicker will your shield get and wiser will you handle them. This year wasn’t that bad, I’m thankful for every single thing that happened.

-juliet 20181228 1153

Sometimes

That night I already knew it was the last time I’m ever going to see you. But I couldn’t say goodbye, not to you. I’m tough but not tough enough for that, I just can’t come to terms with myself in saying goodbye. So I just stood there like a lamp post. I had to leave because I don’t want to tie you down. Days went by and each of them unbearable of course. Until the 365th day, I still felt the same but I have accepted that maybe it’s best to let go. And I did, thinking all along that if you felt the same, you would do something, say something. But all I got was silence, from you and from my heart, and I had to remind myself that it couldn’t happen because you didn’t feel the same way. I never had anything to hold on to but there was this tiny bit of hope that you will come after me. But you never did so I just had to make her understand that she picked the wrong one and it’s okay because it happens. It took me so long to make her understand that you don’t feel the same way.

So I took it as a do-over. I went on, more of like I dragged myself to moving forward until I was no longer looking back. It came to a point when I was looking forward to what’s to come. And then one fine night I went to sleep and dreamt, and it was the beginning of the end.

I’m glad it all happened, I had the chance to say everything I had to. I didn’t even realize the weight until I was able to let it out. I wasn’t even expecting a response. But at that point any reply would be good enough for me, at least I had that part of my life sealed and settled. But of course I got hurt, because it wasn’t just saying goodbye to those few times, but I’m burying the hatchet from day 1. It’s releasing yourself to the memories of the good times and remembering the lessons from the bad times. And even from the start this was how I have always felt, for as long as you’re happy, that’s good enough for me. Whether I’m in it or not, that’s fine with me, I will rest on that thought that you are happy. And I wish it was as easy as looking for you at all the lost and found places in the world but it’s not.

I still see you often in my dreams, and not the kind you think dreams are or at least not like the ones you have, but just us talking and hanging out like the old days. Laughing at the most stupid things, arguing at tiny details that come across our minds, talking about ridiculously impossible situations and anything about everything but us. Then we’d have our theories on things in life. I don’t really make anything out of it, I just appreciate the company. I believe it wasn’t that bad of an ending, it was good while it lasted at least for me. Sometimes things end just like that. Suddenly it just ended.

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The Sword with Five Crosses

Opened my eyes

Stared at the ceiling and realized

I’m in the future

Gone are the days that made me feel so unsure

I see a beautiful horizon

I head there on a full 10 and strong

I grew up knowing who I am, what I’m worth

I face this life no longer with regrets until I leave this earth

Life has always been cruel but it never made me one

As I come back from the wars it gives me, I have always won

Wounded as I may have when I come home

But I always get back up and carry on

I wear my battle scars like badges of honour

Like any other warrior

I no longer guard my heart, I no longer keep it safe

I have learned that she belongs to me so she is tough and brave

Even with how wounded she was

She heals herself even faster than she had

Each challenge just makes us tougher

Now that I have learned, there’s nothing we can’t conquer

 

-juliet 20181209 1251