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If you think all you have done is good, why bother about what others would say?

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No more than Friends

I don’t really understand what you are trying to tell me, I asked. But I didn’t mind telling it out loud. I just gave him an odd look as he held my hand tight. He does it a lot, yet he does not say much.

I gave him a weak smile as he looked at me before he left.  I felt the chills again. I’ve been having a lot of it lately. Every time I see him walk towards me, I tend to have that weird feeling. This is all my best friend’s fault. If she hasn’t just given me that idea, I would not feel like this. I would not even think of it.

I’m  Darla Villarante from Cebu by the way .  I’m on my junior year in Civil Engineering. It wasn’t really my first choice to take up Civil Engineering. You see, my dad is an architect and my mom is a Civil Engineer, or was an engineer. She passed away two years ago.  I felt obliged to take her place in my family’s company. I have an older brother, Carlo, and he is already following our dad’s footsteps and having that, he could be a real pain most of the time.

So here I am now,  stuck in my English class . Our professor just left but we still have 15 minutes left for his class.  He gave us a group activity to finish and I have him as a group mate. Lucky me, I guess. More time for us.

His name Bryan. Bryan Santos.  He is a really good fellow. Sweet, smart and all crazy at times. We’ve been buddies since the first day of college. I don’t really remember how we knew each other.  All I can remember is we have been hanging out since the first day.

“Darling you okay.”

Great. I really need to snap out of this thought. He is now staring at me and it’s really making me uncomfortable.

“ I can’t think of anything while you are there asking me every minute Bryan,” that’s the best alibi I could think of. Sigh.

My friend Ana had been forcing this stupid thought, “He is obviously in love with you,” she said, “he is extremely sweet to you. And remember that time when your car got broken in the middle of the highway? He got there right away after you called him and girl, that was really embarrassing having to push your car to the side of the road. He was faster than any roadside rescue.”

“Well you can’t expect me to call you for that problem,” I remembered answering her, “you don’t know anything about cars.”

I didn’t really consider the idea, not until two weeks ago.

It was after my Tuesday class while I was in the library.  He sent me a text asking me as to where I was so I told him.  After a few minutes, he was there, bringing some sandwich and a soda for me.

“Thanks, I’ll have them later,” I told him, wondering why he was there, “ so uhhh, what’s up?”

“ Nothing,” he said, as he pulled his chair nearer to me, “ just want to check out what you’ve been up to lately.”

“ Okay? Don’t you have a class or anything? You see, I’m studying here and you are a bit disturbing me in that process.. ” It wasn’t my intention to sound rude but the idea Ana has been pushing has popped in my head and I just had to sort of prove to myself I was being silly for even thinking of it.

“Class for my E mechanics has been cancelled. Apparently our professor got an accident on his way to class or something,” he was playing with the straps of my backpack while he seems to be just blabbering his answer to my question. “You doing something tonight?”, he asked as he dragged his seat nearer to mine.

That four word statement seemed to have deafened my ears. “What?” I managed to say.

“I was just thinking if you’re free tonight,” he said. For some odd reason he was playing with my hand this time, checking my cracked nail polish, “ we never really had dinner together, I mean, just the two of us.”

“And why would we do that?” I faked a chuckle. Still awed of what was happening, I felt my face flushed. “Where is Rose by the way?” I asked to subtly try to push the subject away, “I saw her earlier today at the parking lot. Why is she not with you? I was actually hoping she could help me with something.”

He just gave me a slight shrug. He didn’t even mind answering my question. All of a sudden he stood up and said he needed to leave.

The next day, he never mentioned anything. It even seemed not to have happened at all.  I told Ana about it and she went hysterical.

“He was asking you out! Are you crazy? I mean it is just so obvious” Ana tends to exaggerate a lot which I really find annoying, but she’s my friend, I am still hoping I would get used to it.

“But we know I shouldn’t be going out with him” I coldly answer her. Even though if I wanted to, I know I shouldn’t.

“Darla, you have been staring at that book for more than ten minutes already.  Are you sure you’re okay?”

Oh, I’m back to my English class now. I got too preoccupied with my thoughts I forgot he is beside me. Well, now he is sitting so close to me for he is looking at my book I have been staring at for quite some time now.

“ Are you sure you’re okay?” He repeated, he is sitting to me so close I could smell his perfume.

I stood up just in time for the bell to ring. “Uhh, I’ll just call you guys if I have any good ideas okay?”  My peers just nodded as I stormed out of the classroom.

I know deep inside I like this guy. I mean, who wouldn’t ? Bryan is the sweetest geek I know, but I should not fall for him. I am not even sure if Ana’s theory was right. Even if it was, I still can’t fall for him. I can’t fall for a guy with a girlfriend. Rose would kill me. Yes, Rose is his girlfriend and she happens to be my friend too.

 

Page 2

I used to make up stories in my head every time I see portraits.  Pictures to me have great stories.  It has been dubbed to paint a thousand words.  Even moving photographs have their own story going on before it started and after it ended.  A photograph is a glance, that blink of an eye that’s captured.  A moving photograph is a moment captured.  Words spoken before, during and after was never caught, and it’s a secret between the photographer and the subject.  A secret that is kept even if it’s not written.  Unwritten rules are the most followed.  We tend to defy what seems so final.  We tend to question straight answers hoping there’s more to it.

When you’re sad and decide to take a long walk, the sky knows.  Then it whispers, is it going to be you or me today?  Either you or the sky cries, but it always knows that when it starts to cry, you’d cry with it.  But then it’s a secret between the two of you.  The sky knows its tears and you know yours.  Many things you’d want to shout out at the top of your lungs in an open ocean, hoping it’ll be written in the sand, as it’s just wiped away by the waves when the tides change.

I keep on hearing, when it rains it pours but it can’t rain  forever.  When exactly is the day after forever?  I stopped believing in that word a long time ago.  The more challenges you overcome the stronger the winds that come back.  The bigger the dragons you slay, the greater are the next.  It’s a struggle to climb up but when you’ve reached the top, there’s nowhere else to go but down.  Well, isn’t it just great?  Nothing but useless nonsense.

 

– Juliet – 8132012 – 0227

Transition

This time I couldn’t just pack everything up and leave like before.  I couldn’t let myself.  I vowed to face life.  It’s just so easy to go back to that place, to my hiding place.  But I need this, I need now to deal with the mess that I left, that have grown their own messes.  A dragon at a time, a day at a time.  Hopeful for a better tomorrow, I will face this with or without backup.  I was the one who left, I was the one who hid.  I blame no one.  I can take this fight, with or without anyone.  I didn’t hide to be sought, I just did to find what I lost.  I didn’t leave to be run after, I packed up because I needed to know where to go next.

It’s hard to wake up in the morning not knowing what the day brings.  It’s even harder to know that and still wake up.  Time waits for no one.  Life ignores everyone, when it decides to happen, it just does.  No more wishes, not anymore.  Let this be an unfinished play of William.  Let this be the bullet that killed Vincent.  Let this be Napoleon’s cancer.  Let this be the knife of Johann’s doctor.  That’s life for you.  It happens when it wants to.  Hand in hand with time, they wait for no one.  But then again, they remind us everyday that we too must keep moving.  They give us that chance that we wasted yesterday.  The choices that we regret the day before.

Speak to me as if you’re looking at the mirror.  Tell me no lies, at least give me that.  Truth has always been stranger than fiction, for writers always wanted it to be realistic and only write what’s doable up to their human capacity.  And then there’s that story written by the true writer.  Then the plot and timing never gets any better.  The script is always a mystery but becomes the lesson as it turns into a memory.  Stories are easy to write, with or without bases.  You just have to have an imagination.

-Juliet- 08122012 – 2351

Meet Life

The future is nothing but a blur once again. Ask me questions and I’d probably answer you with mostly the same tone, I don’t know. Paint me a picture and I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it. Bring me a book to read and I’ll tell you how it ends. Hum me a melody and I’ll play it on the piano. Cover me with rose petals and I’ll tell you why it makes me sneeze. Throw me a party, and I’ll clean up the mess after. Show me a rainbow and I’ll tell you the story how it got there. Show me a tear and I’ll tell you how much I’ve shed. Throw me an argument and I’ll let you win. Turn all the lights off and I’ll show you courage. Break everything I am and I won’t even blink. Take everything I have left and I won’t chase you.
I may not know much at this time, but I’m hopeful for a brighter tomorrow. I found myself once again at your feet, begging you to please be on my side now. Until it will all go away. The skeletons in my closet I already threw away together with the memories it holds. Tomorrow is a new day, hours away from another new beginning. You are so cruel when you decide to happen to people. Now tell me, are there any more surprises?

 

Juliet – 08112012 – 1150

Just Believe

Indeed it’s a little less lonely when you’re at peace.  I’m not saying it’s tear-proof, but then again what could beat inner peace right?  Many people I miss so much, but I’m okay that they’re not here.  I have nothing, literally.  I blame no one, but it’s when you have nothing that you realize the little things that you have.  For it’s in darkness that you notice the tiniest of sparks.  For it is in complete silence, you hear your heart speak.  For it is in great speed that you see your life slow down.  For it is when you’re at your weakest point you find your strength.  For it is when you’re most scared you find that last amount of courage you have.  For it is when you’re about to give it all up that you find that last grain of hope.  For it is when the crowd leaves that you find that one true friend who got buried with the crowd but never really left.  For it is when you decide to jump off the cliff, a hand pulls you back and greets you with an embrace.  For it is when everything’s blurry, you find clarity.

I never really asked for anything more than what I have.  I can even settle for lesser than what it seems. I understand we have to fall, fall hard before we’d find our silver lining.  We need to climb the arch of the rainbow before we slide down to our pot of gold.   We need to get drenched clothed so we can appreciate the sun more.  In time, I’ll get there.  I’m getting there, I believe.

 

Juliet – 08102012 – 0425