So…

Your end game keeps you motivated on the daily.  During the bad days, your end game keeps you from breaking down, on the good times, it’s what makes it better.  While people are looking for people to stay and make their lives better, a lot of us are gearing towards that happy place we wanted.  One Sunday afternoon that you don’t dread for Monday to come, in a space where you’re safe and joyful.  Having coffee and tell yourself, and everything else from here is just gravy.

One day that you actually want to sleep because you’re looking forward to tomorrow.  One day when you don’t hang on to, as what you used to call them, those little moments of bliss, in the morning when you don’t realize who you are, what you’re supposed to do or what life you have, milliseconds after you wake up.  One day when everything you want is happening so the down times ain’t so bad because the good times outweigh them.  If that makes sense.

-juliet 03312018 1646

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Never

What’s stopping you from jumping off that platform?  What if you will just randomly cross the highway? What if it’s never going to get better?  What if it gets worse?  What if you’ve not done enough in your life?  What if you’ll always be inadequate?  What if no one will ever love you?  What if you’ll always feel this lonely?  What if you’ve wasted your time?  What if you’ll never be successful?  What if you’ll never get that place you’ve always wanted?  What if you’ll never get that dream life?  What if you’ll never get to your happy place?  What if you’re just stuck?  What if you’ll never wake up?  Will things be better?

It is almost time for me to level up and yes each and every day the challenge gets harder.  I suppose it is preparing me for the next level.  Should I be glad that it actually gets harder?  Would that mean that I actually am worthy of taking on whatever is on the next level?  That I actually am jumping levels instead of being stuck at level 20?

Sometimes you get tired and feel defeated without even going to battle.  Your mind exhausts you and you want the world to stop so badly but you can’t.  You know you should be grateful to open those eyes, but then there are days that you’d wish you could give it to someone else.  You wonder what is keeping you here.

For me, I don’t wish for a long life, I don’t find it necessary to get old.  I have been preparing and ready to go home, since I could remember.  There’s a song by Linkin Park, “Heavy”.  It goes, why is every thing so heavy. It’s one thing to understand what it means, it’s another to really fathom the meaning of the line.

Many times have I wanted to give up, but I always find myself in the battlefield the next day anyway.  I guess it’s the fighter in me that wakes me up in the morning, even if I don’t really want to get up.

I have always anchored on something that I read online, you’re still here not because of you but because someone needs you to be.  That maybe I may have some importance in this world.  Sometimes, they just don’t work anymore.  Sometimes you justo don’t want to be wherever you are.

Then you tell yourself, what if it gets better?  What if it won’t get worse?  What if you’ve done enough in your life?  What if you’ll be enough?  What if someone does love you?  What if you’ll not feel lonely anymore?  What if you’ve made progress over time?  What if you’ll be successful?  What if you’ll get that place you’ve always wanted?  What if you’ll get that dream life?  What if you’ll get to your happy place?  What if you’ll get out of this?  What if you’ll still wake up, and things get better?

-juliet 03202018 2014

Maybe No

I was walking, really more like wandering.  I was walking toward a familiar place, but I wasn’t there.  As I got to the door, that music, those notes ringing to my ear, a song so familiar.  It was waiting for me, so I opened the door and there I was all in white.  Walking down all confused, a room full of people but I couldn’t seem to find the people who mean the world to me except for one.  When I got to the middle of the room I looked down, and saw a bunch of flowers, realized they were Asters, all along I have been thinking if this was it, why would it be this simple?  As I reached the end, there you were standing, I barely recognize this little world.  I couldn’t even smile, I was wondering so much where the people were.  All of a sudden, I then heard those words, “I pronounce you man and wife”.  Still with no smile but just a confused facial expression, I looked at everyone.  I saw people I know from the past, they all wished me well.  I was still so confused even holding your hand didn’t feel like it used to.  One of the people said, why aren’t you smiling?  Then I looked at you, you looked so happy and excited meanwhile you were holding the hand of a confused bride.

-juliet

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Going Nowhere

Why was it ever necessary for anybody to conform with society’s norms?  Sometimes it makes people feel inadequate, or at times unfit to be in this world.  Who ever decided on these norms for one to be considered normal?  It’s always on society’s standards, the society who has never accounted for its destruction.  Beautiful souls are punished and humiliated meanwhile, vanity is celebrated and embraced.  What a waste.

Even brave soldiers have their breaking point.  Even generals take their armors and medals off at night, and be mere mortals.  Doctors who are heroes to the people that they saved, come home feeling unwanted because of that one patient they couldn’t help.  Kings go to bed at night completely vulnerable.

But doesn’t it feel so wonderful, that moment in the morning, before you open your eyes, those very few seconds you don’t know who you are or what you’re supposed to do?  A little bit of happiness.  Happiness, isn’t everybody giving this word too much credit?  Everyone is trying to be just that, and stay just that, but what is it really?

People who have standards are being called proud, selfish, etc.  People who have low-no standards are being called sensitive, so in tuned with their emotions.  I know that generalization is not fair, because a lot of truly sensitive people have standards too and vise versa.  But sometimes, it’s the people who tag themselves with such adjectives to cover up flaws are the problem.

-juliet

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