Each and everyday I’m reminded why I tried to stop feeling. I was successful at it, too. I won the people who really loved me for who I am, that’s the upside, when I stopped feeling. The downside was, I lost someone really important. After that, I spent the rest of my days telling myself that he was just a lesson. He was not meant to stay anyway. For years now actually. I have read and believed that all of us have been handed individual tests in life. Each test has a unique set of questions so you can’t really copy from your neighbour’s answers. If you try to do that, that’s when you start asking yourself why are you not happy. Answer the questions by yourself and how you’d want it; no pretense, no care about what people will say then you’ll be happy. If not you’ll find yourself doing the same questions over and over.
Lately I’ve been thinking about that same question I have been getting for years. Not that I’ve been avoiding it, it’s just that maybe I answered it wrong. For so long this is the only one I have always seem to get wrong somehow, because for some reason, for years and years, it keeps coming up. I’m actually excited because experiment time, is always good. I’m going to nail this, and pass.
The plan for my experiment is good, but it kind of scares me, just thinking about it, well, my anxiety might be just acting up. But it’s good, when something scares me, I get all determined but this might be a little different. Oh well. Ever since I’ve read it, I have reminded myself about it, time and again that I’d rather live with a life of oh-wells than what-ifs. So here we go.
-juliet 20180518 2331