Once again I found myself in a place I know so well, though everything had gotten older. I have always loved it here. The feeling it gives me. I haven’t been here for what seemed like forever. I never even thought of coming back because I’m all set. But one fine night, I went to bed thinking of what my tomorrow looked like, my checklist of things to do and then I closed my eyes. Little did I know that night would change everything. I saw you, well in a dream.
At that point I have walked by the place. A door I thought I locked. One of my favourite places to go to. A place that draws the smile on my face in the middle of a very busy day. A place that brings me to tears when memories sneak up on me. A place where I loved to stay for days, weeks on end. I thought I would always have this place to rest in, whenever I wanted to get away. But every thing is temporary as they say. One day, I decided to lock it. Not because I hated it, not because I loved it any less than before and even though it went against every fibre of my being, I locked it for my own sake. Selfish? Maybe but I had my reasons. I mostly felt alone when I was there. It felt like a dagger stabbed me right through as soon as the key went in the lock and even more excruciating when I twisted the key to lock it. I had to drag myself away from the door to heal. Bleeding as I crawled just about anywhere I could rest. On the surface, it may seem like I was just out to hurt myself to keep away from the one I’ve always loved but it was so much more than that. It was too painful for me to keep.
To me, it meant watching the door closed tight when I know I’d want it to stay open. It meant crawling away from a place I always yearned for when I have bad days. It meant turning my back on a place I have always wanted to come home to when my days are better. It meant looking at mundane things and chuckle on a memory, then on the same minute realizing how it’s all gone. It meant seeing new things and almost immediately I had to remind myself that it was over. It meant dreaming about being there again and waking up to tell myself it was no longer my reality, and grieve for days. It meant teaching myself how to slowly erase memories I treasured. It meant learning how to walk again. It meant losing who I was, without even noticing it. It meant wearing this new face, new clothes, my new self that I don’t even really know at all. It meant missing how I used to love laughing so much. It meant convincing my heart to smile again. It meant checking on myself every new year how I’m doing. It meant enduring the sight of each spider weaving its web to somehow tell how much time has passed. And time did pass. I have gotten used to it. Fewer tears were on my pillow at night, if not in the morning after I dream. I laughed like how I used to, I’m slowly recognizing my reflection as I put the pieces back together, or what’s left of me. But needless to say, I was back up on my feet.
After that dream, I went on with my day. Days passed I couldn’t stop thinking about it. So I went back and cleaned up the cobwebs, took a deep breath and unlocked the door. I thought I would find a place I no longer recognize. I thought every thing would have changed. Nothing was moved. Every detail on each corner I still found where they were the last time. I broke down because it still felt like home. For what it’s worth I want to keep this place and the door permanently open. But I’m still figuring out if this place is done with me. I don’t mind putting in the work, cleaning it up, tidying up some stuff, if it will let me stay. But if I’m too little too late to have opened the door, this shouldn’t be as hard as before. I know the ropes.
The world may think that it was a wrong move to lock it, but I needed those years. Life has mostly been cruel to me. But I fear no hardships. Not a single dragon that came my way I haven’t slayed. And it’s no surprise the world have always been judgemental of how I lived my life, I don’t know if it’s out of its own shame but I never faltered because I know I’m doing it right. I’m closer to the later chapters of my book and the future excites me.
-juliet 20180925 2106