It is always the first year that someone special has gone that’s the hardest. You have to relive every single moment from the previous year but without them. You have to teach yourself how each day, more so on important occasions, that you have to forget about them. They say that the better memories hurt the most when it’s over. You think you’re getting better because you try to tell yourself that everyday, that you’re doing great like some participation trophy. But one uneventful day, you realize you no longer recognize the person staring back at you from the mirror, because you have lost the parts of yourself you love the most. The parts that make you who you are. Then you realize that the the best parts of yourself comes out when that someone was around. The light bulbs slowly goes dimmer without you even noticing it. All of a sudden you are looking at a totally different person, you’re not even sure you like. Starting over is not just about letting go and moving on, it’s reintroducing yourself to the person that was changed by the pain you endured. Showing yourself the ropes. Eventually, you’ll get used to it but you’re a different version of yourself. No notice, no false alarms, no drills, you’ve just changed.
-juliet 20181016 2039