All That I Need

Maybe I’ll write about what you’ve lost
It’s everything I’ve got
I wonder if it’s worth my time
To even think of a line

Nothing was there for me to gain
All it caused was pain
Though it lifted something up
And it was so much more than I thought

Knock on my door
I shall open it but not like before
Not with hate, not with love
But indifference from the moment I turn the knob

Tell me about you
And I’ll respond like any stranger would
Ask me questions, I’ll be glad to answer them
It doesn’t matter why or when

No time will be wasted as soon as you leave
The peace I have is all that I need
I was born wanted and loved
The generation I was born with, that is rare to have

I know what it looks like, how it feels like
Anything less than that is not worth the hike
I forgave myself for being stubborn
I apologized because it took me so long

What I know now is that it has passed
My reality is getting better and it’s not that bad
Wherever life may lead
The peace I gained is all that I need

-juliet 20191024 1510

The Day Came

I opened my eyes and suddenly I realized, I was no longer in the ocean. The image of the battlefield was nothing but a memory now. Every afternoon teardrop and sleepless night, I no longer see in my rear-view mirror, it seems so far behind me. I looked down on my arm, no more bandages, no more wounds, not a single scar in sight. I have healed.

I sat up and looked out the window, I see the leaves, hmmm Autumn. A beautiful ending to the spring flowers that await. I smiled with a ray of the sun, warmed my cheek, touched my face ever so softly like a kiss. I fixed my bed and I noticed the sheets were new.

I got off the bed and as soon as my feet touched the floor I felt the bed tremble. Like an old alarm going crazy trying to wake up the one that set it. It’s a signal you see, to start your day, to me at that moment it was a sign of a restart to my life. Like a character from any game, you have to die to restart with the hopes of being wiser and get farther.

I went to the kitchen and emptied the old coffee to make a new one. I grabbed two pieces of sliced bread to toast and waited. The coffee was done, so I poured the coffee on my mug that said donut ever give up. The mug was so me, the corniest puns can make me laugh and the sole reason of it being stupid. It makes me laugh even harder when someone is seriously saying the joke believing it’s funny. Well, funny is subjective after all. Ding! My toasts are done. I put it on a plate. I opened the fridge to grab the coffee creamer and my cream cheese. So I poured cream on my coffee, some sugar and put the mug on the table. I spread out cream cheese on my toast and then I sat down. My morning started.

I finished breakfast. I unplugged my phone, connected it on my speaker and turned the shower on. I brushed my teeth and as the water warmed up, I hopped in the shower. Singing my heart out. Out of the shower and into my towel. I head to my room and got dressed. Check the bus schedule, put on my boots and my jacket. I head out locked the door behind me and walked to the bus stop. I was walking merrily as I was busy putting on my earphones and connecting it with my phone.

I looked up and as soon as my point of view was on that bus stop, everything seemed to flash before my mind but on a time-lapse. From that very busy day, to every single decision, moment after another, and then those mornings, those unbearable mornings. When a box fell off with all the pieces I bottled up, from plotting out a road map, putting on timestamps to each and every turn, to ticking out accomplished tasks. From late nights that somehow made me feel nostalgic to days that seemed longer than usual. From realizing that it was time to tie up loose ends to the very last day when I got my answer. It all went from surviving each and every day without breaking, to picking up the pieces. Then little by little, a step towards this very day.

My layover is done. I got off the bus stop with my unseen wounds still alive and well from the battle. Now on a full ten and completely healed, I’m once again at a bus stop, getting on that restart, wiser. Rebuilding each and every day until my road is paved. I still get reminded from time to time but it makes me smile, because I came back from that, even stronger now, wiser and braver.

I see the bus now. I thought this is where it begins, me taking a chance at life with that drive that I always had. That curiosity that has always taken me to depths that I never thought I’d discover. That thirst for knowledge that has made me travel to places I’ve never stepped foot on. I was excited again. The bus finally came and in my head I whispered to myself:

I’m back baby!

-juliet 20191015 2305

Revamped

I just needed a break

I just needed to stop

I just needed the open seas

It has always been about me

I just wanted to recharge

I just wanted to regroup

I just wanted to know

It was never about the strength of the blow

I had more than just a break but a holiday

I had more than just a stop but a layover

I had more than just a glance of the sea but an ocean

I was myself again

I had more than a recharge but a renewal

I had more than a regroup but a rebuild

I had more than just knowledge but wisdom

I gained more than I asked for and I was home

-juliet 20191015 1238

I Don’t Need Sprinkles All the Time

Funny how things seem when you look back. You know that you haven’t gone that far basing on how much time has passed but a lot has changed. You need a restart after all. What better way to do it than to go back to where your starting point have always been. Not ever forgetting the very first brick you placed as you work your way through. Now you can somehow see yourself more than half-way back to where you were.

I woke up one morning, to an answer I have been waiting for, and all of a sudden it was over. And yet, little did I know it was a chance for a new beginning. After tying up loose ends and burying hatchets. It was for me to realize how much I can carry without faltering. With everything that has happened I can’t help but be excited for the future and what’s to come.

I knew that very moment, I was going to be back a hundred percent. I forgave myself whenever I have one of those days. I was asked why I didn’t even try to fight for it, why I had no reply, nothing. And I said, in my head it was just like me going there saying what I came there for, got a response, then I walked away. I have never felt the need to fill something in me because I was blessed enough to be complete by myself. So with the response that I got, I was fine with it and told myself that it was my cue to exit.

To me there was never a need to fight for anything if it really is for you. I mean some things in life are not really essential if you think about it, it may add something to it, like sprinkles on a cupcake. A cupcake is still a cupcake with or without sprinkles on them. So if you ask me why I didn’t do anything about what I got? Because I don’t really need sprinkles all the time.

-juliet 20191001 1551