Avista

She stares intently at this lady who bears this youthful, gorgeous face, as her reflection does the same. She ties her hair up, putting each and every strand aside to clear it out of her face. She reaches out for her brush, put on foundation to start. Shape up her eyebrows, painted her eyes to give them that boost that they never really need. She put on mascara on her lashes that need not to be thicker. She ever so gently put blush on her cheeks and stained her lips. She then powdered her face to finish. She then took her hair tie off and began curling her hair. Spritz hairspray of course or it wouldn’t stay like that. She smiled in admiration of what she has done. Magnificent. She put on her dress and jewels and went on.

She reserved a seat for him. All throughout the night, many have asked for the seat and her answer was always there’s someone sitting there. One time she stood up to check on him. She opened the door and their eyes met. She didn’t say anything because she thought the gesture was enough, and it should be. She went back to her seat, the people she was surrounded with had told her time and again maybe he’s not coming anymore, but she played deaf to those comments. But the guys that have asked for the seat has not stopped ever since she sat there. That’s why some people would say maybe give that guy a chance to sit and then she would respond with he might come and see that someone is already sitting and I don’t want him to think I’ve replaced him. She has gone numb to the shrugs and sighs of the people around her. But she was always like that, stern and stubborn. Though you need not tell her that she is or was wrong because when she realizes it, she holds herself accountable.

She finally decided to go in the back, opened the door and said what’s going on, I saved a seat for you. And he responded with, you should start looking for someone to sit on it because I can’t. She didn’t reply, she felt that was enough, she had enough. She ever so calmly shut the door, walked back to her seat with tears rolling down her cheeks like waterfalls. By every step she takes, her heart breaks ten times greater than when it shattered as she closed the door. But she remained headstrong despite being weakened by every move she makes. She wiped off the tears on her face, dusted off the seat and sat back down like a lady on the seat she reserved for so long for him. Looked each of her people in the eyes, still tears running down her face but with a straight face she says it’s over. One of them argued, but she was sure of it. She wept for as long as she thought she has to. She knows she will stand again. She thought about how to other men, it was the best seat in the house, but completely meant nothing to him. She should have seen it, she should have heeded her doubts from the very beginning. But she found no use crying over spilled milk. And why should she keep it for longer, based on a false hope, on a hypothetical, she is worth so much more than that. She doesn’t need to be told twice because that’s how she was raised, she could almost hear her mother, Once is enough for a wise man. So it was indeed, over.

Then came a time, she stood up and moved to her seat. She started to smile back at the gentlemen who cast their gaze on that seat. She found herself taking chances. She was waiving back on gentlemen who waives to her. She was back to her old self and better. She was busy talking with the people around her and little did she know, someone sat on the seat. She looked at him, and he looked back. He didn’t bother asking her or anything. She didn’t bother to talk. But her glances have always been enough for anyone who has encountered her. That just made her smile, the thought of this guy being so brazen to sit there, but he just looked at her. Not a smile, not even a smirk, just eyes forward. She could kick him out but, she’s curious like that. She wants to see where this is going and how everything will unfold.

Then it made her think, this could be that light in the horizon. She doesn’t know if it will lead to a great sunrise or it’s just a breadcrumb, but it excites her. That’s when it hit her that the thought of him was a strange distant memory that was once in her reality. Then she knew she was back. But this time, she’s wiser, calmer and more collected. A change of scenery right in front of her.

-juliet 20191113 1414

Paraphrasing

When her world shattered into pieces right before her eyes. When her heart broke right before she could hold it. When she no longer felt because she was feeling everything at the same time. She was down for quite some time. Everyday she convinced herself to get up. For a thousand times with millions of reasons, she just never had the energy. What little energy she has left, she used to survive every day. Every day, she counts on the little wins but breaks down on the little losses. Not because she was weak but she was weakened by what had happened. She still needed to regain her strength. She knows it too. She knows that she will get back on her feet but she has to give it time.

Time and again, frustrations would set in on her and she would try to fight it and stop when she remembers that she needs to go through every single day and that there’s no shortcut to this.

Then she remembered how it is to be loved. She remembered how it looks like, how it felt like. She grew up feeling it. She forgot how screwed up this whole world is that she thought she was one of those who didn’t grow up with it. She forgot that’s what’s rare about her, she knows when she is loved and wanted. She forgot how that’s the sole reason why she never settled for anything that falls short because she is whole.

Often times, people would roll up their issues into a ball and throw it at her face, she used to retaliate but now, she understands. It was never about her, it was about them. They’re watching an entirely different movie. She was made as the bad guy for so many people’s stories, she has been painted as a villain more than the hero, she has been referred to as the coldest, heartless person they have met, but little do they know that she doesn’t mind it. She doesn’t mind being the villain to other people’s stories if that would somehow make them feel a little better about themselves, have whatever burden their carrying a little lighter. She doesn’t mind being the bad guy in whoever’s story if that would help their issues and insecurities. She doesn’t mind portrayed as cold and heartless, if that gives them the boost that they need. She is blessed beyond her comprehension and that’s why she believes that’s her way of giving back. She has this responsibility to be the punching bag because she doesn’t have insecurities and she has little to no issues about how her life is. And she can take the blows.

But of course she is imperfect, it takes a toll on her from time to time but she is sturdy enough to recover. She gets tired too. She falls short too. But she always followed what is right. She never justifies a wrong doing. To her a mistake is a mistake so she holds herself accountable for all her decisions and mistakes. But never did let words loose. She never said anything she doesn’t mean, now if someone says it hurt them, she will apologize for their feelings getting hurt but nonetheless she meant them.

Now she’s up and walking. She’s glad she took the time to completely heal. Starting over has never been a problem for her. She has always been a you-don’t-have-to-tell-me-twice kind of girl. If she thinks, you no longer value her as a person, you don’t even have to say it, she’s gone. She easily forgives, but she never forgets. Forgiving and giving it another chance is totally different for her. To her, you can always forgive everyone, but not everyone can come back in after. Like she never forgot who kicked her when she was down, who laughed at her misfortunes, who stuck their finger in her wounds but she’s not vengeful anymore. She figured she was too good at it that it got scary.

She believes a lot of things are better left unsaid, people don’t have to know your story they are not really interested because again, they’re watching a different movie. It’s never worth the effort to explain yourself. I have always loved that quote you don’t have to explain your life to people because the ones that really matter need no explanation, and of course I’m paraphrasing.

-juliet 20191107 1331