When her world shattered into pieces right before her eyes. When her heart broke right before she could hold it. When she no longer felt because she was feeling everything at the same time. She was down for quite some time. Everyday she convinced herself to get up. For a thousand times with millions of reasons, she just never had the energy. What little energy she has left, she used to survive every day. Every day, she counts on the little wins but breaks down on the little losses. Not because she was weak but she was weakened by what had happened. She still needed to regain her strength. She knows it too. She knows that she will get back on her feet but she has to give it time.
Time and again, frustrations would set in on her and she would try to fight it and stop when she remembers that she needs to go through every single day and that there’s no shortcut to this.
Then she remembered how it is to be loved. She remembered how it looks like, how it felt like. She grew up feeling it. She forgot how screwed up this whole world is that she thought she was one of those who didn’t grow up with it. She forgot that’s what’s rare about her, she knows when she is loved and wanted. She forgot how that’s the sole reason why she never settled for anything that falls short because she is whole.
Often times, people would roll up their issues into a ball and throw it at her face, she used to retaliate but now, she understands. It was never about her, it was about them. They’re watching an entirely different movie. She was made as the bad guy for so many people’s stories, she has been painted as a villain more than the hero, she has been referred to as the coldest, heartless person they have met, but little do they know that she doesn’t mind it. She doesn’t mind being the villain to other people’s stories if that would somehow make them feel a little better about themselves, have whatever burden their carrying a little lighter. She doesn’t mind being the bad guy in whoever’s story if that would help their issues and insecurities. She doesn’t mind portrayed as cold and heartless, if that gives them the boost that they need. She is blessed beyond her comprehension and that’s why she believes that’s her way of giving back. She has this responsibility to be the punching bag because she doesn’t have insecurities and she has little to no issues about how her life is. And she can take the blows.
But of course she is imperfect, it takes a toll on her from time to time but she is sturdy enough to recover. She gets tired too. She falls short too. But she always followed what is right. She never justifies a wrong doing. To her a mistake is a mistake so she holds herself accountable for all her decisions and mistakes. But never did let words loose. She never said anything she doesn’t mean, now if someone says it hurt them, she will apologize for their feelings getting hurt but nonetheless she meant them.
Now she’s up and walking. She’s glad she took the time to completely heal. Starting over has never been a problem for her. She has always been a you-don’t-have-to-tell-me-twice kind of girl. If she thinks, you no longer value her as a person, you don’t even have to say it, she’s gone. She easily forgives, but she never forgets. Forgiving and giving it another chance is totally different for her. To her, you can always forgive everyone, but not everyone can come back in after. Like she never forgot who kicked her when she was down, who laughed at her misfortunes, who stuck their finger in her wounds but she’s not vengeful anymore. She figured she was too good at it that it got scary.
She believes a lot of things are better left unsaid, people don’t have to know your story they are not really interested because again, they’re watching a different movie. It’s never worth the effort to explain yourself. I have always loved that quote you don’t have to explain your life to people because the ones that really matter need no explanation, and of course I’m paraphrasing.
-juliet 20191107 1331