Quod ultimo

I’m not mad
I’m just glad
I was brave
To face that there was nothing left to save
I was right
To go to the end of this fight
Challenge by choice
A task I could not avoid
As everything came to a holt
I won’t point fingers to who’s at fault
The final curtain call
The dead end that stopped it all
You’re not the same
You’ve forgotten my name
The battle is done
One of my toughest, bar none
I knew it was a win right from the start
Even if it ended with a broken heart
It’s then time to start from scratch
Leave no trace and pick up the trash
I may be wounded now
But I will be stronger, this I vow                     For as long as you’re happy, it’s fine Though as you say, you have never been mine


juliet 20181030 1538

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Primus Amor

Only you are in possession of the eyes I want to see grow old

For ours is a story that has always been untold

We have always loved to watch the sun rise

Starts the day and what starts up life

Sunsets we found are such cliche

Just like us we never wanted our days mundane

Today, I put down that last dagger I’ve hidden

That let’s me know I’m completely smitten

Now is the best time to strike

If revenge is what you seek in the dead of night

I stand out here with everything that I’ve got

Knowing the gain wouldn’t be as much

To the world it may not be

But it could lead me to once again feel

Have a reason to open my eyes without dread

Smile as I close them in bed

Another day passes by, I stay hopeful

I will hear those words, so beautiful

Every thing will be final on the day we met

Though nothing is promised yet

 

-juliet 20181029 2319

 

No More

It is always the first year that someone special has gone that’s the hardest.  You have to relive every single moment from the previous year but without them.  You have to teach yourself how each day, more so on important occasions, that you have to forget about them.  They say that the better memories hurt the most when it’s over.  You think you’re getting better because you try to tell yourself that everyday, that you’re doing great like some participation trophy.  But one uneventful day, you realize you no longer recognize the person staring back at you from the mirror, because you have lost the parts of yourself you love the most.  The parts that make you who you are.  Then you realize that the the best parts of yourself comes out when that someone was around.  The light bulbs slowly goes dimmer without you even noticing it.  All of a sudden you are looking at a totally different person, you’re not even sure you like.  Starting over is not just about letting go and moving on, it’s reintroducing yourself to the person that was changed by the pain you endured.  Showing yourself the ropes.  Eventually, you’ll get used to it but you’re a different version of yourself.  No notice, no false alarms, no drills, you’ve just changed.

 

-juliet 20181016 2039

Noir et Blanc

Count the rain and you might get close to how much tears I’ve shed
I was hanging on to the days I’m okay because they were better than the days I can’t get out of bed
Look at the stars and you might see the uneven holes you left in me
Bright as the moon when it’s full, dark as when it’s not
Like the memories I remembered and the ones I forgot
I used my pain to erase them all
But then again I’m starting to fall
Stop, wait a minute, I should stop
I don’t know how to undo this knot
What started as a harmless gesture
Became a grand obstacle course
Each beat feels like a there’s needle through my heart
But she’s smiling even from the start
She always had a mind of her own
Stubborn and strong, braver than I’ve ever known
I want the world to stop while I think
I can’t stand any longer, I feel like I’m about to sink
Drowning as I’ve always been when you’re around
As exagerrated as it sounds
But I’m starting to lose the will to try
I have never been a quitter but I believed I can fly
Though I’m running out of pixie dust
What else can I do but trust?
I’m sinking fast on this quick sand
But I’m not even trying to get out, all I’ve done is stand
Sinking fast I see you there
But it seems like all you’re doing is stare
Hand me a branch or anything to hold on to
Or maybe just stab me with it, why don’t you
It always seems like I’m the bad guy
But for some reason I’m back here I don’t know why
I just had to go down this rabbit hole
Like you have something of mine that you stole
I don’t want it back
But somehow I couldn’t keep track
I wish this was all a dream
So I could just wake up, as harsh as it may seem
I don’t understand
If you love me then take my hand
Maybe you were never really afraid to lose me
You made it look easy for you to set me free
But for as long as you’re okay
I guess I’ll be on my way
That was all I wanted to make sure of
I never really wanted this like I should’ve
Never was it really a no
The timing just always messed with the whole show
And we thought life couldn’t possibly screw with us even more
Whether it’s going to get worse, I’m not sure
And if I’d say I love you what would you say?
Would you say it back or stay away?
Why do I feel like it still fits?
Even though it seemed like I have been falling in this bottomless pit
Why do I feel like you’re the one?
If whatever we had or not is gone?
Why am I still doing this to myself?
Putting everything else on hold on the shelf?
I’m going to fight
With so little that I’ve got, with all my might
However this will start or end
I don’t have anything bad I intend
Whatever hits the fan I will let it
Whatever the answer maybe that’s the prize from all of this
There’s a lot for you to gain and lose if this goes south
Either way it’s a win for me, whether you’re in or out
Come tonight I wish to get the answer
Whether you’re in the book or just another chapter

 

-juliet 20181013 1138

Fast Forward to…

All of a sudden it all makes sense

From a storm that seemed so intense

The moment has come that the dust settles

For a time that seemed too little

You’ve survived, you’re okay

When you spent such a long time looking away

Finally all is said and done

A new dawn has begun

You see it now

All the whys and hows

It all worked out for the best

Like you hoped for, like you dreamed of as the outcome of your test

It is everything you’ve ever hoped for and more

You feel as if you’re done opening doors

Because that one door is staying open

Your favourite place that listens

No more questions everything is clear

You got the words you’ve been meaning to hear

Nobody else could take that smile away

For you’re looking at the one who draws it until the end of your days

-juliet 20181002 2126

Nine

Once again I found myself in a place I know so well, though everything had gotten older.  I have always loved it here.  The feeling it gives me.  I haven’t been here for what seemed like forever.  I never even thought of coming back because I’m all set.  But one fine night, I went to bed thinking of what my tomorrow looked like, my checklist of things to do and then I closed my eyes.  Little did I know that night would change everything.  I saw you, well in a dream.

At that point I have walked by the place.  A door I thought I locked.  One of my favourite places to go to.  A place that draws the smile on my face in the middle of a very busy day.  A place that brings me to tears when memories sneak up on me.  A place where I loved to stay for days, weeks on end.  I thought I would always have this place to rest in whenever I wanted to get away.  But every thing is temporary as they say.  One day, I decided to lock it.  Not because I hated it, not because I loved it any less than before and even though it went against every fibre of my being, I locked it for my own sake.  Selfish?  Maybe but I had my reasons.  I mostly felt alone when I was there.  It felt like a dagger stabbed me right through as soon as the key went in the lock and even more excruciatingly painful when I twisted the key to lock it.  I had to drag myself away from the door to heal.  Bleeding as I crawled just about anywhere I could rest.  On the surface, it may seem like I was just out to hurt myself to keep away from the one I’ve always loved but it was so much more than that.

To me, it meant watching the door closed tight when I know I’d want it to stay open.  It meant crawling away from a place I always yearned for when I have bad days.  It meant turning my back on a place I have always wanted to come home to when my days are better.  It meant looking at mundane things and chuckle on a memory, then on the same minute realizing how it’s all gone.  It meant seeing new things and almost immediately I had to remind myself that it was over.  It meant dreaming about being there again and waking up to tell myself it was no longer my reality, and grieve for days.  It meant teaching myself how to slowly erase memories I treasured.  It meant learning how to walk again.  It meant losing who I was without even noticing it.  It meant wearing this new face, new clothes, my new self that I don’t even really know at all.  It meant missing how I used to love laughing so much.  It meant convincing my heart to smile again.  It meant checking on myself every new year how I’m doing. It meant enduring the sight of each spider weaving its web to somehow tell how much time has passed. And time did pass.  I have gotten used to it.  Fewer tears were on my pillow at night, if not in the morning after I dream.  I laughed like how I used to, I’m slowly recognizing my reflection as I put the pieces back together, or what’s left of me.  But needless to say, I was back up on my feet.

After that dream, I went on with my day.  Days passed I couldn’t stop thinking about it.  So I went back and cleaned up the cobwebs, took a deep breath and unlocked the door.  I thought I would find a place I no longer recognize.  I thought every thing would have changed.  Nothing was moved.  Every detail on each corner I still found where they were the last time.  I broke down because it still felt like home.  For what it’s worth I want to keep this place and the door permanently open.  But I’m still figuring out if this place is done with me.  I don’t mind putting in the work, cleaning it up, tidying up some stuff, if it will let me stay.  But if I’m too little too late to have opened the door, this shouldn’t be as hard as before.  I know the ropes.

The world may think that it was a wrong move to lock it, but I needed those years.  Life has mostly been cruel to me.  But I fear no hardships.  Not a single dragon that came my way I haven’t slayed.  And it’s no surprise the world have always been judgemental of how I lived my life, I don’t know if it’s out of its own shame but I never faltered because I know I’m doing it right.  I’m closer to the later chapters of my book and the future excites me.

-juliet 20180925 2106

Mi Corazon

I’m always hopeful that I’m not as cold as people seem to believe or say. You told me once that I’m not, I have always wondered if you were just saying that or do you mean it because maybe just maybe, I was somehow showing a side of me people don’t always see. I wanted it all to be over but my stubborn heart just can’t seem to give you up. The years have not been easy but we’ve always been tough warriors. In all those years, my heart was silent, I even thought she was going to give her seat up on the table. I guess she was mad at me too. She can’t imagine how this is hard when she only picked one. I wasn’t dumb enough to ask how she was for I already know the answer to that. She was devastated when I ripped her out, left her at home as I armoured up for battle everyday. Apparently, I underestimated her strength. Silent as she was, she sneaks up a memory or two when she sees something that reminds her of you. She knows what she’s doing, she knows I will grieve for days, but you see she doesn’t care because I guess I broke her. She never fails to let me know that. Over and over, I told her I needed to take care of her, nurse her back to health because she wasn’t exactly in good condition. She told me she can handle it, but I didn’t listen. Many times I would catch her playing memories I wanted to forget, I would then let her be, because I owe her that much. I made her walk away from you which seemed like the death of her, but she survived. I never knew she had that tremendous strength. Little by little I see her heal, but she never smiled again. She never cared to say anything. It was easy for her to give up on me, but she never gave up on you.

I wish I could tell you now how much she still loves you. I was the one who was always in a bad place, with my walls and my guns up and ready. I hope you will have the time to talk, saying it’s long overdue is an understatement at this point. Whether to start over or end things right this time. Even though my heart is in strong disagreement with the latter. But I guess to me love is not selfish. Just tell me you’re happy and I gladly yield even if it means I’m not the reason anymore.

I’m beyond terrified but my heart will never forgive me if I don’t at least fight for us this time. I never wanted to lose you, but if I have, know this, at this point in time, I know that was on me. Not to justify, I accept whatever consequence that would come my way because of my past actions but, I have my reasons when I make my decisions. Maybe a normal person (whatever normal is) will never fathom but I was never normal, I know that. If you know me at all, you know that I know what I want in life and I don’t kid around when it involves my life. But I’m here to stay and I won’t ever leave. I want to give us a chance.

My heart never picked anybody else but you. She always did, she still does and always will choose you.

-juliet 20180824 0200

No U-turns

When there are no more corners where you make a turn

When there are fewer lessons to learn

When there are lesser tears you cry

All because you have lost the will to try

When you read what you have written in the past

When you realize the things you hoped that didn’t last

When you look forward to be in bed

Because you like to stay in your dreams instead

When you think that you had a second chance

When you found yourself smiling to a memory of the dance

When you thought the worst part is over

Because you just watched the love of your life walk out of your life forever

When you have to move forward and keep going

When you let go of your happy ending

When you find that last glimmer of hope in your heart

Because there may be no U-turns but this point could be your start

-juliet 20180620 0024

Don’t Be Late

Say I love you when you’re not listening

My favourite line from a song Distance by Christina Perri and Jason Mraz.  When someone occupies your mind so much it hurts, you eventually get yourself together and stop.  When someone breaks your heart, all you need is time for it to heal.  When someone injures your soul, that’s a deeper cut, you might heal but you’re also guaranteed a scar.  When someone causes a dent to your spirit, it doesn’t leave a mark because everything else shatters.  You have to rebuild from bottom to the top.

In a lifetime, every decade, you ask a big question.  Every year, you make a big change that you end up surrendering back to habit.  Every month, you wish life will be kind enough for you to get through it.  Every week, you plan out things you have to get done.  Everyday, you survive.  Or at least try to.

-juliet 20180713 1207