Otrera

Barritus!

Slowly walking, taking careful steps while looking around. In a completely different ground, familiar place but with an entirely new scenery. Or maybe I changed, or maybe as my wounds have healed, my old goggles have shattered and now I can see clearly. What role each character had to play in the story leading to that final battle. I moved forward by retracing my steps.

Barritus!

As I moved along, I have noticed I was getting better. No arms, no shield, no armour. Just old bandages that I take off along the way.  I reached in my pocket, I found a hairtie, put my hair up like I always do.  I stepped on a puddle, a clear one.  I glanced at my reflection and saw that I looked like myself again.  I am awake and on a full ten.  My eyes sharp, my mind clear, I had my battle face on.  I have bounced back, stronger, wiser but calmer.  I noticed I have no battle gear and if I have learned anything from the last battle, I don’t need one.  That’s the new warrior that I have become.  I smiled and kept walking.

Barritus!

I saw flowers from a distance, as I was heading towards it, I realized they were tulips, my favourite.  I looked at them, beautiful and of various colours.  I pondered on how I have always loved them, from the outside mysterious as if it has been keeping a secret but once opened, you realize it has been showing you its entirety all along.  I heard something, a sound of an arrow in flight and hit a mark.  I went on to search it.  I saw a tree, I walk towards it and then saw the arrow pierced through its trunk with a note.

On the note it said:

You thought it was easy for Me that morning you were looking up to Me with those big brown eyes that I remember picking each hue Myself.  You thought it wasn’t painful for Me trying to catch each and every tear falling down those cheeks that I sculpted Myself.  You thought it didn’t hurt when I heard you say it’s so early in the morning over and over. Not even a sign of any trembling on that voice but the tears kept coming.  You thought it meant nothing to Me when I was the one who watched you not taking a single bite, not a drop of water all day.  I allowed all that to happen because I want you to discover how much stronger you are than you think.  You are one of Mine, not everyone is.

I smiled and nodded.  My Commander-in-chief knows me so well.  I felt a kind of peace that’s indescribable.  That’s when I knew I did good, I did it right.  I never knew how long I have carried it that when the weight was lifted as if everything that’s heavy has left me.  I knew then, a battle is up ahead.  But I fully embrace what will come, learning from what was before as I work on it today.  To run without my armour accelerates my speed.  To fight with no shield is nothing but liberating.  To go to battle without my weapons is my opportunity to test my ability, as a general, as a warrior, as a foot soldier.  Obey as commanded in full surrender of His orders.  All of that I bring to battle with me and no one can take it away.

Barritus!

-juliet 20190410 1427

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This Is My Stop

I was walking on a dirt road and finally a bus. I looked back one last time on the shattered pieces of that haunted house I just battled in and then a last glance at the one I recovered in. I was on my way. I stepped on the bus and picked a seat. Then it began. As I looked out the window, I would see beautiful scenery but my mind was still in that dark old house. My thoughts were still all about the battle, the recovery and everything else in between. All that has happened kept playing in my head. I would fall asleep as I tire myself from thinking and feeling. Then a stop request, someone was getting off. I looked out the window, I saw the soldier looking at me. I thought maybe it was a mistake. Then again on the next stop. Then I wondered, I was on my way, the battle was over he already won, what was he doing. It happened more times than I thought. But I was tired. I thought that battle concluded everything. Brought things to finality. So the bus went on, we crossed to another province. I never saw the soldier again. I saw some familiar faces get on and off the bus and as time went on things slowly went back to normal. I was feeling great and excited to see what is ahead. Confused with where this bus is taking me really, but I embrace the challenges of unplanned days ahead.

When I entered that old house, I was armed and able, a general I pride myself as, but when I walked out I realized I am just another foot soldier, no matter the stars, no matter the stripes. I am not in charge of the plan, my mission is to play my part for a bigger purpose.

I saw an old notebook that had grocery lists written in the pages. Then I flipped and flipped hoping for a blank one, well half of the notebook was. I could not find a pen. I tried to borrow one but they were also using it or they do not have one. So I thought maybe at the next long stop I would be able to get one. Bus went on. Then that next stop came. I saw a convenience store, and I chuckled to myself thinking, how convenient. As I was about to go in, I saw a man walking out with a pen on his hand, he hopped on his car and left. I was delighted because then I knew they sold pens. As soon as I walked in the store, my heart sank when I saw the lady drop the empty box of pens. Then I saw these numbers on the box. I tried my luck and asked the lady anyway if she had any more, and then she said the guy bought the last one. I thought to myself I cannot believe I just saw the very last pen leave. I glanced at the clock, I saw those numbers again. I just said thanks then I left the store.

Went back on the bus, still with no pen, I tried to look under my seat and saw the bus number which were the same ones as the box and time. I started to read the grocery list, and from time and again I would come across those numbers. I just closed the notebook, put it in my pocket and looked out the window. at the next stop, there was someone who came in and for some reason, I was drawn to his boots as he came in and I saw what I thought was a pen. I got excited and before the driver drove off, I picked it up and sat back down. Then I immediately tried to see if it worked, I realized it was a mechanical pencil. There was no lead in it. I was a little bit frustrated and then I looked at the pencil and saw those numbers again. I then tried to rack my brain of what it meant, it had to mean something for me to be seeing it as I was looking for a pen. And suddenly, I remembered, I gave my pen to my Commander-in-chief. As I was looking for a new one in an attempt to plan out what I was to do next or where I would go. I no longer have it, or would I want it back, I am in complete submission to whatever He will write and how He will write the rest of my story.

I dozed off unintentionally, I dreamt of the soldier. I woke up a mess. I pondered why do I feel like this, I have been alright post-war so far. So I told myself that maybe there are just going to be days like these, where I am simply not okay. But then I thought I want to do something about this and stop everything. I started to think all of it over. I have always ended up hurting every time and what can I do to make this stop. I have to decide. I saw a stop sign. That is when I figured it out, I will just stop. I will stop hurting, I will stop thinking, I will just stop. Stop thinking with the hypotheticals, stop with what could have been and concentrate on what is to make way to what will be. So I put everything that happened on a time line and came up with a reality out of it. Some things may not have made sense but I thought it may have not for now, but maybe someday I will see. I sorted things out and saw how it all happened, once I had a grasp of the reality I was presented with in the process, I knew what I had to do, accept it. Hard as it was for I was playing tug of war with my stubborn heart, but I had to be firm about it. She has to see that it is for her own good. Once I had everything set, I felt good.

I finally pressed the stop request. After all, the biggest losses in our lives give us the best lessons, provide us with brilliant wisdom to carry forward. I may have lost that one but my story is not over. I waited and when the bus stopped, I left the notebook, the pencil with no lead, I left everything, and got off the bus. Took a deep breath as the bus drove off, I remembered that I had baggages with me when I got on the bus, and that is when I realized I really did leave everything. I was not meant to take them with me, I am at peace. I looked to my right and saw the bus stop sign. Then I thought This is my stop.

-juliet 20190403 1448

Luna

When days are tough that all you can do is write. And write everything that you can with anything you have left. When days are unbearable that all you can do is play a tune. And you play as instensely as you can with the pieces that’s left of your broken soul. When days are showered with stones thrown at you, filled with all of life’s atrocities. And you stop. You just close your eyes, breathe in with all your might and breathe out all of your frustrations hoping for the burden to get lighter. But it doesn’t.

When you no longer pay attention to the moon because you know very well there will come a time it will leave. But it does, you think of it, that maybe you should have given it even just a gaze that it deserves, for it might have always left but it does come back. At least you know from the get-go how it is, never will it leave you doubting because it always comes back. Maybe it left because it got right in between 2 things that matters to it the most, enough for it to be torn apart. Maybe it was never really because it wants to leave but what it has on its hand is far greater than it can bear. But you never really loved it enough to find out. You just immediately thought the worst of the moon. Because you know what it’s capable of. But hasn’t it ever occured to you that maybe, it’s as unstable as the tides when there’s a storm because you never cared enough to calm it down? When will it ever stop being about its phases?

Not all who have super powers use everything that they have, whether a villain or a super hero. Sometimes, the fear or the intimidation towards them are not because of what they are doing but of what they are capable of. Sometimes people birth monsters in their own heads.

-juliet 20190205 1422

It’s Just One of Those

Mornings that as soon as you open your eyes everything already seemed wrong

The kind that you know every hour is going to feel long

Those mornings that your mind says get up

The ones that you just want to lay there and want the time to stop

Days that you can’t wait to end

You put on the brightest smile just to blend

Nothing feels right

But you’re trying with all your might

Finally dusk, the day is almost over

When every single part of you feels weaker as the night gets closer

You feel proud to have done what you should

But even that didn’t change your mood

Those nights you get ready for bed

Then you lay there with thoughts in your head

You try to pray, you want to pray but only tears are coming out

Even though you want to shout

You let it all out, tears are prayers too, people say

You’re happy with your life but sometimes you are just not okay

Everything including this, too shall pass, I suppose

But you’re not okay, not tonight, because it’s just one of those

-juliet 20190121 2213

I’m Up

Such a cliche to write something on the first day of the year but so what?  I have decided not to pray for anything this year, and it’s because of what I went through the past year but let’s stop talking about last year for a second or the year before that or the one before, it’s not doing us any good.  For me, no more regrets, everything I ever did and said, I stand by it.  I will not wish for this year to be all good or to be better than the ones before, I will let it be how it should.  Not that I’m hoping for it to be all bad, but whether good things happen or otherwise, I will face it.  For the good times give us memories to look back on and the bad times makes us hopeful about the year to come.  No longer do I guard my heart, I will let her handle situations that she needs to deal with on her own for if I have learned anything in the last year, it’s how much her strength is.  But one thing I’ll make sure of, I will make the good times more fun than they already are and the bad times funny, for at least not only have you gained lesson(s) for life but a story to tell.  I have some bumps and bruises from last year’s battle but going in the new one, I will wear the scars like badges of honour I have earned from that fight.  I have everything and everyone that I need, but I can make room for more.

-juliet 20190101 2132

The Sword with Five Crosses

Opened my eyes

Stared at the ceiling and realized

I’m in the future

Gone are the days that made me feel so unsure

I see a beautiful horizon

I head there on a full 10 and strong

I grew up knowing who I am, what I’m worth

I face this life no longer with regrets until I leave this earth

Life has always been cruel but it never made me one

As I come back from the wars it gives me, I have always won

Wounded as I may have when I come home

But I always get back up and carry on

I wear my battle scars like badges of honour

Like any other warrior

I no longer guard my heart, I no longer keep it safe

I have learned that she belongs to me so she is tough and brave

Even with how wounded she was

She heals herself even faster than she had

Each challenge just makes us tougher

Now that I have learned, there’s nothing we can’t conquer

 

-juliet 20181209 1251

When it All Falls Down

I woke up. I woke up from a dream I had, for a while it seemed as though it was my reality.  But no, it was all a dream. Now I’m awake, back to the reality I left when I closed my eyes. All of a sudden I hear horns, I hear cars and my tires are slipping on the road. Oh it’s winter. But it was only fall when I went into my slumber. Strange. I’m back to where I was last winter but a lot has happened. Everything went back in place.

But it was like seeing a ghost, as time passes, you start to wonder if it even happen. Like walking in to a really old haunted house, you see it empty because nobody lives there anymore, but you know something went down in this place. Deserted, abandoned, but still standing. As you walk on each and every step you find a piece so familiar it gives you flashbacks of what was. Then you start to ask yourself if you’re one of those loony mediums. Things keep rushing back in your mind, like silent movies starring you. Only then you realize you’ve been here and yet it makes you think, how could you have forgotten a lot about this, you stayed here, weren’t you happy here? Your mind flooded with questions. You picked up your pace trying to remember what happened here, what have you done or what haven’t you? Then you saw a room, in the room there’s a shelf, full of boxes. You open one box and there were loose leaves of paper that had something on it. You start reading, they were memories but incomplete. They seemed like clips of episodes because you can’t remember. One page leads to another and until you realize you needed to find this other room, but you glanced at the shelf, there’s one more box. But if you open that now, you can no longer go to the other room. So as you have read everything else, that was all you had. But you knew you were going to battle. You rested on the thought that this wasn’t the first you have fought, you are a general. So you armoured-up, equipped yourself with all the weapons you thought you needed. Have all the tactics you’re going to need for the battle.

All geared up, you go in. But when you looked around, it was not the battlefield you imagined. You then looked for the booby traps. Then you saw a soldier sitting on a chair, everything seemed so familiar. He is armoured up too but he was just sitting. As time went by, there were times he took his helmet off but would just put it back on, and you did the same. Little by little you put down your weapons until all the visible weapons are down.  He got out of the room, you followed him, everywhere he went, you followed because you were not giving up.  Sometimes you would lose sight of him but in the end track him down.  Sometime he throws some things you don’t really know what it’s about for you don’t remember everything. Tried and tested, you’re exhausted.  Sometimes you bust in a room with tears falling down nonstop but you understand this, tasks need to be done.  That was part of it.

One night, you felt comfortable enough to rest and sleep. Then you woke up the next morning in the other room with the shelf, with that last box beside you already open. You told yourself I’ll deal with that later but when you got up, you didn’t realize there was already one on your lap and was able to read some of it anyway. That’s when it all fell down, but you can’t just throw in the towel, that’s not you. You will see this battle through no matter what. You’re not a quitter, so you just had to suck it up. The box contained all of the reasons why you left this house for a very long time and burried its existence as deep as you can. But it made you ponder on things, that you started this so this shall be dealt with now.

So you went back to the other room. The soldier was still there, his helmet already off, the room seemed different, it made you question if it had always looked like that you just didn’t realize it. But no, you were sure. You decided to take this battle head on, and stripped yourself of all the weapons you had left, oh but a dagger.

Time went on, slowly you noticed changes from the house.  You see pilars and rooms torn down but the house was still standing.  Then you finally took out the dagger, put it down and said, “if revenge is what you’re after now is the perfect time to strike.” So then you wait after your words seem to echo across the entire house. The soldier comes out. All of a sudden, you hear the clock ticking, a clock you don’t even remember working. As you got distracted the soldier tried his strike, hit your arm. Just a dash but it bled. He was surprised, you didn’t run for cover. You just stood there pulled out a handkerchief and bandaged it up. Still standing you hear the clock again, ticking faster. You tried to walk up to the soldier and asked for forgiveness. Another hit, same spot, the wound got a little deeper but you wanted to see this battle through. All you can do is use your words for you have put all your weapons down. You don’t care if you’re bleeding because you got this. But then on that final blow, it got to you, the soldier stood up and walked out.

With the soldier gone, you hear something fall from a distance but it seemed loud because it echoed all around the house then you realize you’re all alone. But you have always loved solitude you love the solace it brings you. So with every strength you have left, you walked out of that house and finally slammed that door shut.  Just as you did that the house crumbled and was demolished right before your eyes.

You make your way back home and nurse yourself back to health. But with little strength you have left you went to the post office to reroute your mail for the mean time. Then you go back home and you make a little to-do list of milestones as you get back up. And surprisingly, you have been crushing it day after day. On the fourth day you were already laughing your ass off. Then on the fourteenth day, you went back to the post office and undo the re-routing of your mail. You left the post office so proud of yourself. Little did you know that night you would have the courage to stand outside the soldier’s house. And you were okay, though nothing much has changed. But you weren’t on the part yet that you could tell your 16-year-old self to let the soldier stay. Then the days that felt like weeks passed by and suddenly, as you were washing your face you saw that 16-year-old. She looks excited, and then you tell her, in an hour kid will be a start of a road you’ll have to endure for a very long time, I’m not going to sugarcoat it, it’s a dirt road and sometimes there’s not even a path, but along the way you will learn a lot, from life and about yourself. You got this, the lessons you get out of this will be rewarding I tell you. You will come out a stronger warrior than you already are. Then, you have smiled your proudest until today. You never imagined you were stronger than you thought you were. Each and every day you knock a milestone or out of your list.

Now you get up, out of bed, still with bandages but the wounds are healing faster. You look around, you see someone who told you she loves you all the time but seemed indifferent once the battle was over. You scuffed it off, people are like that sometimes. You walk around some more and you see two people one with tears in her eyes. The teary-eyed one said, “we’re okay, we’re fine, you’re gonna be fine.” You nod and say, “I am.” The other one said, “let’s just focus on the future now.” You smile and say, “I will”.

You get back to your walk and saw another person, she said, “it’s okay I’m here whenever you need me. Even if it’s 3am just call.” You learn about people, the ones who stay with you and the ones who just said they will. Let it go and cherish the ones who stayed. Then you went back to your room. An old man was there that’s when you broke to tears.  Falling on your cheeks one after the other, you grinned and manage to say, “this is why I can never say no in going to battles for You. You’ve given me a lot to come home to, after every battle I always nurse myself back to a hundred percent no matter how much I was beaten up, because not once have You ever left me. I may not be one of your best soldiers but I am always Yours.” He just nodded in agreement.

One morning you wake up, and everything’s back to where it was, the wounds are all closed up, no more bruises. It made you think about the whole thing. Looked back on every single lesson you can get out of it.

Another day, and you get up, take a shower, cook breakfast, had your favourite part of the day – coffee time. You got dressed, got all-dolled up, and you smile looking at yourself again. Then you notice something new. There was a door that’s open.  A door of a room you’ve never seen before.  You decide to go in, it was a very clean room. All white, like an unpainted canvass, like a loose leaf. Then you see a chair. You sat down and it just feels right, but as you were getting comfortable, you heard something, it sounded like paper. You check on the chair was a note:

Hey kid, you like it? This is for you.

Are you wondering who’s going to be knocking on that door?

Then you thought, is this going to be another battle? But you were not yet a full 100. You read on,

The story is not over yet.

Your curiosity gets to you, so you decided to sit tight, relax and enjoy.  You want to see this one through.  It’s not another battle but a challenge.  Challenge by choice, so you take your pick.

-juliet 20181203 1439

Hey Batter, Batter!

More often than not, life hits you with a curve ball, and when you just grab a bat and swing, you’ll be surprised with yourself sometimes.  But if you just stand there and let it hit you then all it does is hit you.  Some people would just dodge not realizing the exact same one will keep coming back.  Face it head on.  Because sometimes, you hit them out of the park and do a home run.  Yes, you’ll need to catch your breath, but then what if you have enough power to run, then it wouldn’t be as tiring.  Sometimes your uniform gets a lot of dirt but when you hear the crowds cheer and your team get that score, sometimes, those are the things you need to gladly brush the dust off of it.  Even if not all of the dust come off, when you do your laundry, you’d smile and remember that hit.  How you never thought you could do it but you came out swinging instead of cowering and just let it hit you.

But it’s not every time that you hit the ball, sometimes, it’s a miss.  And it all trickles down to you not getting that ball out of the park, you get a ball or a strike.  Then again, you don’t get only 3 strikes in life, the strikes are unlimited.  So even if you miss, at least you have tried and it’s fine.  Even if you have to teach yourself again how everything goes, you will get there.  Knowing full well you will definitely get better every time.

Some curve balls are there to remind you of your strength.  Sometimes we get caught up in fulfilling our basic needs, completing mundane to-do lists in our humdrum lives that we forget what we are built for, what we are made of.  Sometimes those curve balls we need, also to remind us of all the breakdowns we had, all the heart breaks we endured and the chipped pieces of us we have lost from past curve balls actually paid off.  Then you realize you’re still standing tall with those battle scars for a reason.  Never let a curve ball leave you bitter, never let it leave you cruel, even if it’s a miss.  You will get it next time, or the next, or the next.  Because sometimes, there are more lessons you can learn on a miss than a hit, you just have to know where to look.

 

-juliet 20181116 1632

No More

It is always the first year that someone special has gone that’s the hardest.  You have to relive every single moment from the previous year but without them.  You have to teach yourself how each day, more so on important occasions, that you have to forget about them.  They say that the better memories hurt the most when it’s over.  You think you’re getting better because you try to tell yourself that everyday, that you’re doing great like some participation trophy.  But one uneventful day, you realize you no longer recognize the person staring back at you from the mirror, because you have lost the parts of yourself you love the most.  The parts that make you who you are.  Then you realize that the the best parts of yourself comes out when that someone was around.  The light bulbs slowly goes dimmer without you even noticing it.  All of a sudden you are looking at a totally different person, you’re not even sure you like.  Starting over is not just about letting go and moving on, it’s reintroducing yourself to the person that was changed by the pain you endured.  Showing yourself the ropes.  Eventually, you’ll get used to it but you’re a different version of yourself.  No notice, no false alarms, no drills, you’ve just changed.

 

-juliet 20181016 2039

Noir et Blanc

Count the rain and you might get close to how much tears I’ve shed
I was hanging on to the days I’m okay because they were better than the days I can’t get out of bed
Look at the stars and you might see the uneven holes you left in me
Bright as the moon when it’s full, dark as when it’s not
Like the memories I remembered and the ones I forgot
I used my pain to erase them all
But then again I’m starting to fall
Stop, wait a minute, I should stop
I don’t know how to undo this knot
What started as a harmless gesture
Became a grand obstacle course
Each beat feels like a there’s needle through my heart
But she’s smiling even from the start
She always had a mind of her own
Stubborn and strong, braver than I’ve ever known
I want the world to stop while I think
I can’t stand any longer, I feel like I’m about to sink
Drowning as I’ve always been when you’re around
As exagerrated as it sounds
But I’m starting to lose the will to try
I have never been a quitter but I believed I can fly
Though I’m running out of pixie dust
What else can I do but trust?
I’m sinking fast on this quick sand
But I’m not even trying to get out, all I’ve done is stand
Sinking fast I see you there
But it seems like all you’re doing is stare
Hand me a branch or anything to hold on to
Or maybe just stab me with it, why don’t you
It always seems like I’m the bad guy
But for some reason I’m back here I don’t know why
I just had to go down this rabbit hole
Like you have something of mine that you stole
I don’t want it back
But somehow I couldn’t keep track
I wish this was all a dream
So I could just wake up, as harsh as it may seem
I don’t understand
If you love me then take my hand
Maybe you were never really afraid to lose me
You made it look easy for you to set me free
But for as long as you’re okay
I guess I’ll be on my way
That was all I wanted to make sure of
I never really wanted this like I should’ve
Never was it really a no
The timing just always messed with the whole show
And we thought life couldn’t possibly screw with us even more
Whether it’s going to get worse, I’m not sure
And if I’d say I love you what would you say?
Would you say it back or stay away?
Why do I feel like it still fits?
Even though it seemed like I have been falling in this bottomless pit
Why do I feel like you’re the one?
If whatever we had or not is gone?
Why am I still doing this to myself?
Putting everything else on hold on the shelf?
I’m going to fight
With so little that I’ve got, with all my might
However this will start or end
I don’t have anything bad I intend
Whatever hits the fan I will let it
Whatever the answer maybe that’s the prize from all of this
There’s a lot for you to gain and lose if this goes south
Either way it’s a win for me, whether you’re in or out
Come tonight I wish to get the answer
Whether you’re in the book or just another chapter

 

-juliet 20181013 1138