Hey Batter, Batter!

More often than not, life hits you with a curve ball, and when you just grab a bat and swing, you’ll be surprised with yourself sometimes.  But if you just stand there and let it hit you then all it does is hit you.  Some people would just dodge not realizing the exact same one will keep coming back.  Face it head on.  Because sometimes, you hit them out of the park and do a home run.  Yes, you’ll need to catch your breath, but then what if you have enough power to run, then it wouldn’t be as tiring.  Sometimes your uniform gets a lot of dirt but when you hear the crowds cheer and your team get that score, sometimes, those are the things you need to gladly brush the dust off of it.  Even if not all of the dust come off, when you do your laundry, you’d smile and remember that hit.  How you never thought you could do it but you came out swinging instead of cowering and just let it hit you.

But it’s not every time that you hit the ball, sometimes, it’s a miss.  And it all trickles down to you not getting that ball out of the park, you get a ball or a strike.  Then again, you don’t get only 3 strikes in life, the strikes are unlimited.  So even if you miss, at least you have tried and it’s fine.  Even if you have to teach yourself again how everything goes, you will get there.  Knowing full well you will definitely get better every time.

Some curve balls are there to remind you of your strength.  Sometimes we get caught up in fulfilling our basic needs, completing mundane to-do lists in our humdrum lives that we forget what we are built for, what we are made of.  Sometimes those curve balls we need, also to remind us of all the breakdowns we had, all the heart breaks we endured and the chipped pieces of us we have lost from past curve balls actually paid off.  Then you realize you’re still standing tall with those battle scars for a reason.  Never let a curve ball leave you bitter, never let it leave you cruel, even if it’s a miss.  You will get it next time, or the next, or the next.  Because sometimes, there are more lessons you can learn on a miss than a hit, you just have to know where to look.

 

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No More

It is always the first year that someone special has gone that’s the hardest.  You have to relive every single moment from the previous year but without them.  You have to teach yourself how each day, more so on important occasions, that you have to forget about them.  They say that the better memories hurt the most when it’s over.  You think you’re getting better because you try to tell yourself that everyday, that you’re doing great like some participation trophy.  But one uneventful day, you realize you no longer recognize the person staring back at you from the mirror, because you have lost the parts of yourself you love the most.  The parts that make you who you are.  Then you realize that the the best parts of yourself comes out when that someone was around.  The light bulbs slowly goes dimmer without you even noticing it.  All of a sudden you are looking at a totally different person, you’re not even sure you like.  Starting over is not just about letting go and moving on, it’s reintroducing yourself to the person that was changed by the pain you endured.  Showing yourself the ropes.  Eventually, you’ll get used to it but you’re a different version of yourself.  No notice, no false alarms, no drills, you’ve just changed.

 

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Noir et Blanc

Count the rain and you might get close to how much tears I’ve shed
I was hanging on to the days I’m okay because they were better than the days I can’t get out of bed
Look at the stars and you might see the uneven holes you left in me
Bright as the moon when it’s full, dark as when it’s not
Like the memories I remembered and the ones I forgot
I used my pain to erase them all
But then again I’m starting to fall
Stop, wait a minute, I should stop
I don’t know how to undo this knot
What started as a harmless gesture
Became a grand obstacle course
Each beat feels like a there’s needle through my heart
But she’s smiling even from the start
She always had a mind of her own
Stubborn and strong, braver than I’ve ever known
I want the world to stop while I think
I can’t stand any longer, I feel like I’m about to sink
Drowning as I’ve always been when you’re around
As exagerrated as it sounds
But I’m starting to lose the will to try
I have never been a quitter but I believed I can fly
Though I’m running out of pixie dust
What else can I do but trust?
I’m sinking fast on this quick sand
But I’m not even trying to get out, all I’ve done is stand
Sinking fast I see you there
But it seems like all you’re doing is stare
Hand me a branch or anything to hold on to
Or maybe just stab me with it, why don’t you
It always seems like I’m the bad guy
But for some reason I’m back here I don’t know why
I just had to go down this rabbit hole
Like you have something of mine that you stole
I don’t want it back
But somehow I couldn’t keep track
I wish this was all a dream
So I could just wake up, as harsh as it may seem
I don’t understand
If you love me then take my hand
Maybe you were never really afraid to lose me
You made it look easy for you to set me free
But for as long as you’re okay
I guess I’ll be on my way
That was all I wanted to make sure of
I never really wanted this like I should’ve
Never was it really a no
The timing just always messed with the whole show
And we thought life couldn’t possibly screw with us even more
Whether it’s going to get worse, I’m not sure
And if I’d say I love you what would you say?
Would you say it back or stay away?
Why do I feel like it still fits?
Even though it seemed like I have been falling in this bottomless pit
Why do I feel like you’re the one?
If whatever we had or not is gone?
Why am I still doing this to myself?
Putting everything else on hold on the shelf?
I’m going to fight
With so little that I’ve got, with all my might
However this will start or end
I don’t have anything bad I intend
Whatever hits the fan I will let it
Whatever the answer maybe that’s the prize from all of this
There’s a lot for you to gain and lose if this goes south
Either way it’s a win for me, whether you’re in or out
Come tonight I wish to get the answer
Whether you’re in the book or just another chapter

 

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Fast Forward to…

All of a sudden it all makes sense

From a storm that seemed so intense

The moment has come that the dust settles

For a time that seemed too little

You’ve survived, you’re okay

When you spent such a long time looking away

Finally all is said and done

A new dawn has begun

You see it now

All the whys and hows

It all worked out for the best

Like you hoped for, like you dreamed of as the outcome of your test

It is everything you’ve ever hoped for and more

You feel as if you’re done opening doors

Because that one door is staying open

Your favourite place that listens

No more questions everything is clear

You got the words you’ve been meaning to hear

Nobody else could take that smile away

For you’re looking at the one who draws it until the end of your days

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Mi Corazon

I’m always hopeful that I’m not as cold as people seem to believe or say. You told me once that I’m not, I have always wondered if you were just saying that or do you mean it because maybe just maybe, I was somehow showing a side of me people don’t always see. I wanted it all to be over but my stubborn heart just can’t seem to give you up. The years have not been easy but we’ve always been tough warriors. In all those years, my heart was silent, I even thought she was going to give her seat up on the table. I guess she was mad at me too. She can’t imagine how this is hard when she only picked one. I wasn’t dumb enough to ask how she was for I already know the answer to that. She was devastated when I ripped her out, left her at home as I armoured up for battle everyday. Apparently, I underestimated her strength. Silent as she was, she sneaks up a memory or two when she sees something that reminds her of you. She knows what she’s doing, she knows I will grieve for days, but you see she doesn’t care because I guess I broke her. She never fails to let me know that. Over and over, I told her I needed to take care of her, nurse her back to health because she wasn’t exactly in good condition. She told me she can handle it, but I didn’t listen. Many times I would catch her playing memories I wanted to forget, I would then let her be, because I owe her that much. I made her walk away from you which seemed like the death of her, but she survived. I never knew she had that tremendous strength. Little by little I see her heal, but she never smiled again. She never cared to say anything. It was easy for her to give up on me, but she never gave up on you.

I wish I could tell you now how much she still loves you. I was the one who was always in a bad place, with my walls and my guns up and ready. I hope you will have the time to talk, saying it’s long overdue is an understatement at this point. Whether to start over or end things right this time. Even though my heart is in strong disagreement with the latter. But I guess to me love is not selfish. Just tell me you’re happy and I gladly yield even if it means I’m not the reason anymore.

I’m beyond terrified but my heart will never forgive me if I don’t at least fight for us this time. I never wanted to lose you, but if I have, know this, at this point in time, I know that was on me. Not to justify, I accept whatever consequence that would come my way because of my past actions but, I have my reasons when I make my decisions. Maybe a normal person (whatever normal is) will never fathom but I was never normal, I know that. If you know me at all, you know that I know what I want in life and I don’t kid around when it involves my life. But I’m here to stay and I won’t ever leave. I want to give us a chance.

My heart never picked anybody else but you. She always did, she still does and always will choose you.

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No U-turns

When there are no more corners where you make a turn

When there are fewer lessons to learn

When there are lesser tears you cry

All because you have lost the will to try

When you read what you have written in the past

When you realize the things you hoped that didn’t last

When you look forward to be in bed

Because you like to stay in your dreams instead

When you think that you had a second chance

When you found yourself smiling to a memory of the dance

When you thought the worst part is over

Because you just watched the love of your life walk out of your life forever

When you have to move forward and keep going

When you let go of your happy ending

When you find that last glimmer of hope in your heart

Because there may be no U-turns but this point could be your start

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Don’t Be Late

Say I love you when you’re not listening

My favourite line from a song Distance by Christina Perri and Jason Mraz.  When someone occupies your mind so much it hurts, you eventually get yourself together and stop.  When someone breaks your heart, all you need is time for it to heal.  When someone injures your soul, that’s a deeper cut, you might heal but you’re also guaranteed a scar.  When someone causes a dent to your spirit, it doesn’t leave a mark because everything else shatters.  You have to rebuild from bottom to the top.

In a lifetime, every decade, you ask a big question.  Every year, you make a big change that you end up surrendering back to habit.  Every month, you wish life will be kind enough for you to get through it.  Every week, you plan out things you have to get done.  Everyday, you survive.  Or at least try to.

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1 2 3

Again and again I find myself at a starting point, well, more of like a checkpoint, like the ones on games.  After the first 4 months of the year, 2018 continues to poke around my life.  It has always amazed me what my day comes up with every single time.  The world has always been my playground. Never my empty canvass for I can’t draw, rather a blank sheet of paper.  Blue sky with chunky white clouds that I’ve always seen in shapes of everyday life and not just a ball of white smoke.  Someone once said, it takes a special kind of eyes.

I have always and always come home to writing, whether typed on a blog, written on a scrap, on a napkin, on someone else’s notebook.  I have always loved the feeling of how paper accommodates my words.  I’m always going to be an old soul, will always believe chivalry shouldn’t die with time.  Yet again people are less concerned with the kind of people they leave and more focused on what society expects out of them.  I have never been of this world, and thus people have frowned, smirked or even spat at the decisions I have made in my life.  It was never about what the world tells me, for I am not his but His.  I have always made my decision according to what I have been given.  I have never looked at my neighbour’s life and wished it was mine.  I have never learned of a friend’s triumph and rained on their parade.  I have always known, I’m of a different kind.  My test questions are different from others, why should I answer them how the world dictates me to.

Many times have I tried to experiment, on people’s responses.  Sometimes I say things, just to see how people would react and get the real answers I need.  I have always had my way with words.  That’s the sole reason why I always give people chances, because I know what kind of tongue I possess.

I know myself better than anyone else, that’s why I never accord my decisions to the world.  This world ran me over multiple times but I just got back up.  I have always loved the solace I have in my life.  I have read that solitude is actually dangerous, because once you’ve experienced it, you would hesitate to let the world in.

Now, I’m starting from scratch, like I haven’t met the people I have, like it’s  December again.  Like I haven’t received a message on my birthday.  Like when my world was peaceful.  Just me, and the few people I love.  Today is my checkpoint.  Starting from scratch.

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Scribbles

The empty space in the beginning, looks as beautiful as after you have written something on it.  Each and every day, I realize how thick the walls you built around the room I have given you.  I have managed to tear down the layers of wallpaper that seemed to take forever to rip out.  And then the wall hit me of how thick they are.  It seems like if I’d let somebody in that room, I wouldn’t be able to hear them anyway.  Because right before you left the room, you thickened it so much.  But, I accept the challenge of tearing it down,  I’ll get there eventually, maybe not now, but I know I’ll get there.

As I was in the room, I heard your voice again.  I heard that laugh when you find something so funny.  I know I sometimes gave you a hard time and it wasn’t because of you, it was me.  There are battles only one person besides me know about.  I was wondering because, I was listening to Perfect by Ed Sheeran, on that line where it said,  I see my future in your eyes, I no longer saw yours.

The future excites me though.  Lately, my anxiety have been so unkind.  I’ll figure it out.  In the fall, when the leaves are magnificent, a new challenge will arise.  But let’s put it off for tomorrow.  Let’s talk about today.  One day at a time.  There are a lot of things I have realized after I’ve stayed in that room for some time.  You wore my heart down.  Sucked all of the blood to the very last drop.  But well, I’m slowly getting there, slowly standing back to where I was.

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In My Book

I have written this.  I have set the terms and the characters in it, the setting is perfect, well to me at least.  I walking towards this and along the way, there are characters coming and going.  Only few stay but the important ones.

I have written this, I didn’t include you, sorry.  I remember one time, you wanted to be written on this but I had to figure if you’re worth the ink.  Through that, I have torn my walls down, so I could investigate only not to find you there.  Weird, I know but I’m thankful.  That part of the book made me realize that I could let the walls stay down, but I could build a minefield.  So that’s how it is now, people can walk freely, but I decide if I will let them take another step.  One, to save them from getting blasted, or let them take it.  I have always said, I may not be always nice, I may not be or will ever be a ray of sunshine but I was never cruel, I’m always fair.  I would always tell you the truth, that I guarantee.

I have written this, the walls are never going back up but the bombs stay.  I’m no longer armed, for I have realized it is cowardly.  But for anybody who dares to go in, I will allow them armed with the best that they have.  I will carry with me my tongue and give me time for a conversation, that’s all.  Sometimes, I would need a pen, not to stick it in your jugs but to write with.  I heard it’s be mightier than the sword.

I have written this, not the whole book.  I let the chapters work their way to what I’ve written.  If you open the book, it is filled on the first 3 soon to be 4 chapters, blank in the middle, but the end is written.  Not that I predict that’s exactly what’s going to happen, I’m no psychic.  But that’s the end game.  That’s what I’m working for.  That’s where I’m headed.

I have written this, but I wrote it backwards.  I started from the back before my pen even touched the front.  It’s nothing glamorous, it’s nothing grand, it’s not about what I have but what I’m in.  If I’ll paint it, it wouldn’t be appealing, that I know of.  But of course to me it’s my Mona Lisa, my Sistine Chapel.  I’m the artist and all the tourists that sought for them.  Elements of 2 and with me makes us 5.  All in black and white.

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