Fast Forward to…

All of a sudden it all makes sense

From a storm that seemed so intense

The moment has come that the dust settles

For a time that seemed too little

You’ve survived, you’re okay

When you spent such a long time looking away

Finally all is said and done

A new dawn has begun

You see it now

All the whys and hows

It all worked out for the best

Like you hoped for, like you dreamed of as the outcome of your test

It is everything you’ve ever hoped for and more

You feel as if you’re done opening doors

Because that one door is staying open

Your favourite place that listens

No more questions everything is clear

You got the words you’ve been meaning to hear

Nobody else could take that smile away

For you’re looking at the one who draws it until the end of your days

-juliet 20181002 2126

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Mi Corazon

I’m always hopeful that I’m not as cold as people seem to believe or say. You told me once that I’m not, I have always wondered if you were just saying that or do you mean it because maybe just maybe, I was somehow showing a side of me people don’t always see. I wanted it all to be over but my stubborn heart just can’t seem to give you up. The years have not been easy but we’ve always been tough warriors. In all those years, my heart was silent, I even thought she was going to give her seat up on the table. I guess she was mad at me too. She can’t imagine how this is hard when she only picked one. I wasn’t dumb enough to ask how she was for I already know the answer to that. She was devastated when I ripped her out, left her at home as I armoured up for battle everyday. Apparently, I underestimated her strength. Silent as she was, she sneaks up a memory or two when she sees something that reminds her of you. She knows what she’s doing, she knows I will grieve for days, but you see she doesn’t care because I guess I broke her. She never fails to let me know that. Over and over, I told her I needed to take care of her, nurse her back to health because she wasn’t exactly in good condition. She told me she can handle it, but I didn’t listen. Many times I would catch her playing memories I wanted to forget, I would then let her be, because I owe her that much. I made her walk away from you which seemed like the death of her, but she survived. I never knew she had that tremendous strength. Little by little I see her heal, but she never smiled again. She never cared to say anything. It was easy for her to give up on me, but she never gave up on you.

I wish I could tell you now how much she still loves you. I was the one who was always in a bad place, with my walls and my guns up and ready. I hope you will have the time to talk, saying it’s long overdue is an understatement at this point. Whether to start over or end things right this time. Even though my heart is in strong disagreement with the latter. But I guess to me love is not selfish. Just tell me you’re happy and I gladly yield even if it means I’m not the reason anymore.

I’m beyond terrified but my heart will never forgive me if I don’t at least fight for us this time. I never wanted to lose you, but if I have, know this, at this point in time, I know that was on me. Not to justify, I accept whatever consequence that would come my way because of my past actions but, I have my reasons when I make my decisions. Maybe a normal person (whatever normal is) will never fathom but I was never normal, I know that. If you know me at all, you know that I know what I want in life and I don’t kid around when it involves my life. But I’m here to stay and I won’t ever leave. I want to give us a chance.

My heart never picked anybody else but you. She always did, she still does and always will choose you.

-juliet 20180824 0200

No U-turns

When there are no more corners where you make a turn

When there are fewer lessons to learn

When there are lesser tears you cry

All because you have lost the will to try

When you read what you have written in the past

When you realize the things you hoped that didn’t last

When you look forward to be in bed

Because you like to stay in your dreams instead

When you think that you had a second chance

When you found yourself smiling to a memory of the dance

When you thought the worst part is over

Because you just watched the love of your life walk out of your life forever

When you have to move forward and keep going

When you let go of your happy ending

When you find that last glimmer of hope in your heart

Because there may be no U-turns but this point could be your start

-juliet 20180620 0024

Don’t Be Late

Say I love you when you’re not listening

My favourite line from a song Distance by Christina Perri and Jason Mraz.  When someone occupies your mind so much it hurts, you eventually get yourself together and stop.  When someone breaks your heart, all you need is time for it to heal.  When someone injures your soul, that’s a deeper cut, you might heal but you’re also guaranteed a scar.  When someone causes a dent to your spirit, it doesn’t leave a mark because everything else shatters.  You have to rebuild from bottom to the top.

In a lifetime, every decade, you ask a big question.  Every year, you make a big change that you end up surrendering back to habit.  Every month, you wish life will be kind enough for you to get through it.  Every week, you plan out things you have to get done.  Everyday, you survive.  Or at least try to.

-juliet 20180713 1207

1 2 3

Again and again I find myself at a starting point, well, more of like a checkpoint, like the ones on games.  After the first 4 months of the year, 2018 continues to poke around my life.  It has always amazed me what my day comes up with every single time.  The world has always been my playground. Never my empty canvass for I can’t draw, rather a blank sheet of paper.  Blue sky with chunky white clouds that I’ve always seen in shapes of everyday life and not just a ball of white smoke.  Someone once said, it takes a special kind of eyes.

I have always and always come home to writing, whether typed on a blog, written on a scrap, on a napkin, on someone else’s notebook.  I have always loved the feeling of how paper accommodates my words.  I’m always going to be an old soul, will always believe chivalry shouldn’t die with time.  Yet again people are less concerned with the kind of people they leave and more focused on what society expects out of them.  I have never been of this world, and thus people have frowned, smirked or even spat at the decisions I have made in my life.  It was never about what the world tells me, for I am not his but His.  I have always made my decision according to what I have been given.  I have never looked at my neighbour’s life and wished it was mine.  I have never learned of a friend’s triumph and rained on their parade.  I have always known, I’m of a different kind.  My test questions are different from others, why should I answer them how the world dictates me to.

Many times have I tried to experiment, on people’s responses.  Sometimes I say things, just to see how people would react and get the real answers I need.  I have always had my way with words.  That’s the sole reason why I always give people chances, because I know what kind of tongue I possess.

I know myself better than anyone else, that’s why I never accord my decisions to the world.  This world ran me over multiple times but I just got back up.  I have always loved the solace I have in my life.  I have read that solitude is actually dangerous, because once you’ve experienced it, you would hesitate to let the world in.

Now, I’m starting from scratch, like I haven’t met the people I have, like it’s  December again.  Like I haven’t received a message on my birthday.  Like when my world was peaceful.  Just me, and the few people I love.  Today is my checkpoint.  Starting from scratch.

-juliet 05032018 1547

Scribbles

The empty space in the beginning, looks as beautiful as after you have written something on it.  Each and every day, I realize how thick the walls you built around the room I have given you.  I have managed to tear down the layers of wallpaper that seemed to take forever to rip out.  And then the wall hit me of how thick they are.  It seems like if I’d let somebody in that room, I wouldn’t be able to hear them anyway.  Because right before you left the room, you thickened it so much.  But, I accept the challenge of tearing it down,  I’ll get there eventually, maybe not now, but I know I’ll get there.

As I was in the room, I heard your voice again.  I heard that laugh when you find something so funny.  I know I sometimes gave you a hard time and it wasn’t because of you, it was me.  There are battles only one person besides me know about.  I was wondering because, I was listening to Perfect by Ed Sheeran, on that line where it said,  I see my future in your eyes, I no longer saw yours.

The future excites me though.  Lately, my anxiety have been so unkind.  I’ll figure it out.  In the fall, when the leaves are magnificent, a new challenge will arise.  But let’s put it off for tomorrow.  Let’s talk about today.  One day at a time.  There are a lot of things I have realized after I’ve stayed in that room for some time.  You wore my heart down.  Sucked all of the blood to the very last drop.  But well, I’m slowly getting there, slowly standing back to where I was.

31154048_2150530688298378_5580500678989578240_n (2)

-juliet 04222018 1105

In My Book

I have written this.  I have set the terms and the characters in it, the setting is perfect, well to me at least.  I walking towards this and along the way, there are characters coming and going.  Only few stay but the important ones.

I have written this, I didn’t include you, sorry.  I remember one time, you wanted to be written on this but I had to figure if you’re worth the ink.  Through that, I have torn my walls down, so I could investigate only not to find you there.  Weird, I know but I’m thankful.  That part of the book made me realize that I could let the walls stay down, but I could build a minefield.  So that’s how it is now, people can walk freely, but I decide if I will let them take another step.  One, to save them from getting blasted, or let them take it.  I have always said, I may not be always nice, I may not be or will ever be a ray of sunshine but I was never cruel, I’m always fair.  I would always tell you the truth, that I guarantee.

I have written this, the walls are never going back up but the bombs stay.  I’m no longer armed, for I have realized it is cowardly.  But for anybody who dares to go in, I will allow them armed with the best that they have.  I will carry with me my tongue and give me time for a conversation, that’s all.  Sometimes, I would need a pen, not to stick it in your jugs but to write with.  I heard it’s be mightier than the sword.

I have written this, not the whole book.  I let the chapters work their way to what I’ve written.  If you open the book, it is filled on the first 3 soon to be 4 chapters, blank in the middle, but the end is written.  Not that I predict that’s exactly what’s going to happen, I’m no psychic.  But that’s the end game.  That’s what I’m working for.  That’s where I’m headed.

I have written this, but I wrote it backwards.  I started from the back before my pen even touched the front.  It’s nothing glamorous, it’s nothing grand, it’s not about what I have but what I’m in.  If I’ll paint it, it wouldn’t be appealing, that I know of.  But of course to me it’s my Mona Lisa, my Sistine Chapel.  I’m the artist and all the tourists that sought for them.  Elements of 2 and with me makes us 5.  All in black and white.

-juliet 04012018 1641

It’s Personal

I have always been a woman of faith.  Not often do I blast it on my writing but it definitely is there,  you just have to know where to look. I never announced whenever I pray nor to do tell anybody I do,  because and it’s not that I’m ashamed of it nor am I ashamed of my God,  I just believe we have our individual design of spiritual journey home. Whether we take our cross or walk away,  He tremendously respects and honors our free will. To me,  whatever our choice is,  much as I’d want better for everyone,  but in the end better to you might be different than mine. 

I don’t shout to the world what I do when I pray,  I don’t slap it in anyone’s faces how I praise. Many times have I been told,  you don’t strike me as you know—,  then I say,  the praying kind?  But don’t get me wrong I’m not selfish I preach when I get the opportunity,  far as I can go.  Then again not even God comes between free will. 

My faith has never been private,  it’s just personal.  I take care of my soul first,  best that I could.  We’ve been through unpleasant things,  we’ve done stuff that still humiliates us just thinking about it.  But I figured humiliation could bring out humility and it should. 

Sometimes profound silence could be stronger than the prayers we utter. This world often makes us forget how deceitful the adversary is and believe that when times change; when technology advances; values,  manners and faith should change along with it.  I beg to differ,  we should be intelligent enough not to make the same mistakes.  

-Juliet 05272017 1738

Have you ever felt like

The only option for you is to break

You’ve stood there long enough to just let go

You don’t even have the strength to breakdown 

Not even tears to cry

Can’t find the right words that’ll fill in those broken lines of your day

You’re in a reality that you keep wishing for it to be a dream and vise versa 

That it’s only going to get worse

You think life has numb you up enough not to feel

You still go on with it everyday and look back,  asking yourself how did you get there

Giving up and yet you tell yourself you’re not a quitter and yet again saying you’re a quitter that same hour

Sometimes when you take off that proverbial band aid and not even budge

That’s it but then,  life throws you a bone then you fool yourself into thinking oh,  it’s all better now.  Until you ask yourself again the title
-Juliet 05112017

1331

Digging Your Grave

As we all grow older, sometimes we forget what we always have in our hearts.  Me,  I have forgotten better yet maybe abandonned my first love, writing.  Writing has always been my passion,  my refuge at times and even my friend.  Funny how life seem short and yet we make our everyday almost the same as yesterday. We are truly content in just putting one foot after the other. Why not skip on the crosswalk,  or eat that whole bucket of ice cream without guilt. Breathe like the next will be your last.  Cry like the mermaids and laugh like there’s no tomorrow.  Easy to be all poetic in this beautiful world and age we live in but the truth is,  society left us fewer and fewer choices. Then a day comes,  we find ourselves, on a quiet afternoon with our thoughts and that loud silence,  empty.  We plan to get to our goals but lose ourselves in the process.  We’re drowning in the mundane rituals we call normal,  striving to keep our sanity and yet it’s damaging to our soul.  But when life calls our attention,  only then we realize how we’re on the road to becoming robots.  Everyday, from the moment we get up,  we begin to be who our modern selves truly are-slaves of time.  
-juliet 03282017

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