When it All Falls Down

I woke up. I woke up from a dream I had, for a while it seemed as though it was my reality.  But no, it was all a dream. Now I’m awake, back to the reality I left when I closed my eyes. All of a sudden I hear horns, I hear cars and my tires are slipping on the road. Oh it’s winter. But it was only fall when I went into my slumber. Strange. I’m back to where I was last winter but a lot has happened. Everything went back in place.

But it was like seeing a ghost, as time passes, you start to wonder if it even happen. Like walking in to a really old haunted house, you see it empty because nobody lives there anymore, but you know something went down in this place. Deserted, abandoned, but still standing. As you walk on each and every step you find a piece so familiar it gives you flashbacks of what was. Then you start to ask yourself if you’re one of those loony mediums. Things keep rushing back in your mind, like silent movies starring you. Only then you realize you’ve been here and yet it makes you think, how could you have forgotten a lot about this, you stayed here, weren’t you happy here? Your mind flooded with questions. You picked up your pace trying to remember what happened here, what have you done or what haven’t you? Then you saw a room, in the room there’s a shelf, full of boxes. You open one box and there were loose leaves of paper that had something on it. You start reading, they were memories but incomplete. They seemed like clips of episodes because you can’t remember. One page leads to another and until you realize you needed to find this other room, but you glanced at the shelf, there’s one more box. But if you open that now, you can no longer go to the other room. So as you have read everything else, that was all you had. But you knew you were going to battle. You rested on the thought that this wasn’t the first you have fought, you are a general. So you armoured-up, equipped yourself with all the weapons you thought you needed. Have all the tactics you’re going to need for the battle.

All geared up, you go in. But when you looked around, it was not the battlefield you imagined. You then looked for the booby traps. Then you saw a soldier sitting on a chair, everything seemed so familiar. He is armoured up too but he was just sitting. As time went by, there were times he took his helmet off but would just put it back on, and you did the same. Little by little you put down your weapons until all the visible weapons are down.  He got out of the room, you followed him, everywhere he went, you followed because you were not giving up.  Sometimes you would lose sight of him but in the end track him down.  Sometime he throws some things you don’t really know what it’s about for you don’t remember everything. Tried and tested, you’re exhausted.  Sometimes you bust in a room with tears falling down nonstop but you understand this, tasks need to be done.  That was part of it.

One night, you felt comfortable enough to rest and sleep. Then you woke up the next morning in the other room with the shelf, with that last box beside you already open. You told yourself I’ll deal with that later but when you got up, you didn’t realize there was already one on your lap and was able to read some of it anyway. That’s when it all fell down, but you can’t just throw in the towel, that’s not you. You will see this battle through no matter what. You’re not a quitter, so you just had to suck it up. The box contained all of the reasons why you left this house for a very long time and burried its existence as deep as you can. But it made you ponder on things, that you started this so this shall be dealt with now.

So you went back to the other room. The soldier was still there, his helmet already off, the room seemed different, it made you question if it had always looked like that you just didn’t realize it. But no, you were sure. You decided to take this battle head on, and stripped yourself of all the weapons you had left, oh but a dagger.

Time went on, slowly you noticed changes from the house.  You see pilars and rooms torn down but the house was still standing.  Then you finally took out the dagger, put it down and said, “if revenge is what you’re after now is the perfect time to strike.” So then you wait after your words seem to echo across the entire house. The soldier comes out. All of a sudden, you hear the clock ticking, a clock you don’t even remember working. As you got distracted the soldier tried his strike, hit your arm. Just a dash but it bled. He was surprised, you didn’t run for cover. You just stood there pulled out a handkerchief and bandaged it up. Still standing you hear the clock again, ticking faster. You tried to walk up to the soldier and asked for forgiveness. Another hit, same spot, the wound got a little deeper but you wanted to see this battle through. All you can do is use your words for you have put all your weapons down. You don’t care if you’re bleeding because you got this. But then on that final blow, it got to you, the soldier stood up and walked out.

With the soldier gone, you hear something fall from a distance but it seemed loud because it echoed all around the house then you realize you’re all alone. But you have always loved solitude you love the solace it brings you. So with every strength you have left, you walked out of that house and finally slammed that door shut.  Just as you did that the house crumbled and was demolished right before your eyes.

You make your way back home and nurse yourself back to health. But with little strength you have left you went to the post office to reroute your mail for the mean time. Then you go back home and you make a little to-do list of milestones as you get back up. And surprisingly, you have been crushing it day after day. On the fourth day you were already laughing your ass off. Then on the fourteenth day, you went back to the post office and undo the re-routing of your mail. You left the post office so proud of yourself. Little did you know that night you would have the courage to stand outside the soldier’s house. And you were okay, though nothing much has changed. But you weren’t on the part yet that you could tell your 16-year-old self to let the soldier stay. Then the days that felt like weeks passed by and suddenly, as you were washing your face you saw that 16-year-old. She looks excited, and then you tell her, in an hour kid will be a start of a road you’ll have to endure for a very long time, I’m not going to sugarcoat it, it’s a dirt road and sometimes there’s not even a path, but along the way you will learn a lot, from life and about yourself. You got this, the lessons you get out of this will be rewarding I tell you. You will come out a stronger warrior than you already are. Then, you have smiled your proudest until today. You never imagined you were stronger than you thought you were. Each and every day you knock a milestone or out of your list.

Now you get up, out of bed, still with bandages but the wounds are healing faster. You look around, you see someone who told you she loves you all the time but seemed indifferent once the battle was over. You scuffed it off, people are like that sometimes. You walk around some more and you see two people one with tears in her eyes. The teary-eyed one said, “we’re okay, we’re fine, you’re gonna be fine.” You nod and say, “I am.” The other one said, “let’s just focus on the future now.” You smile and say, “I will”.

You get back to your walk and saw another person, she said, “it’s okay I’m here whenever you need me. Even if it’s 3am just call.” You learn about people, the ones who stay with you and the ones who just said they will. Let it go and cherish the ones who stayed. Then you went back to your room. An old man was there that’s when you broke to tears.  Falling on your cheeks one after the other, you grinned and manage to say, “this is why I can never say no in going to battles for You. You’ve given me a lot to come home to, after every battle I always nurse myself back to a hundred percent no matter how much I was beaten up, because not once have You ever left me. I may not be one of your best soldiers but I am always Yours.” He just nodded in agreement.

One morning you wake up, and everything’s back to where it was, the wounds are all closed up, no more bruises. It made you think about the whole thing. Looked back on every single lesson you can get out of it.

Another day, and you get up, take a shower, cook breakfast, had your favourite part of the day – coffee time. You got dressed, got all-dolled up, and you smile looking at yourself again. Then you notice something new. There was a door that’s open.  A door of a room you’ve never seen before.  You decide to go in, it was a very clean room. All white, like an unpainted canvass, like a loose leaf. Then you see a chair. You sat down and it just feels right, but as you were getting comfortable, you heard something, it sounded like paper. You check on the chair was a note:

Hey kid, you like it? This is for you.

Are you wondering who’s going to be knocking on that door?

Then you thought, is this going to be another battle? But you were not yet a full 100. You read on,

The story is not over yet.

Your curiosity gets to you, so you decided to sit tight, relax and enjoy.  You want to see this one through.  It’s not another battle but a challenge.  Challenge by choice, so you take your pick.

-juliet 20181203 1439

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Hey Batter, Batter!

More often than not, life hits you with a curve ball, and when you just grab a bat and swing, you’ll be surprised with yourself sometimes.  But if you just stand there and let it hit you then all it does is hit you.  Some people would just dodge not realizing the exact same one will keep coming back.  Face it head on.  Because sometimes, you hit them out of the park and do a home run.  Yes, you’ll need to catch your breath, but then what if you have enough power to run, then it wouldn’t be as tiring.  Sometimes your uniform gets a lot of dirt but when you hear the crowds cheer and your team get that score, sometimes, those are the things you need to gladly brush the dust off of it.  Even if not all of the dust come off, when you do your laundry, you’d smile and remember that hit.  How you never thought you could do it but you came out swinging instead of cowering and just let it hit you.

But it’s not every time that you hit the ball, sometimes, it’s a miss.  And it all trickles down to you not getting that ball out of the park, you get a ball or a strike.  Then again, you don’t get only 3 strikes in life, the strikes are unlimited.  So even if you miss, at least you have tried and it’s fine.  Even if you have to teach yourself again how everything goes, you will get there.  Knowing full well you will definitely get better every time.

Some curve balls are there to remind you of your strength.  Sometimes we get caught up in fulfilling our basic needs, completing mundane to-do lists in our humdrum lives that we forget what we are built for, what we are made of.  Sometimes those curve balls we need, also to remind us of all the breakdowns we had, all the heart breaks we endured and the chipped pieces of us we have lost from past curve balls actually paid off.  Then you realize you’re still standing tall with those battle scars for a reason.  Never let a curve ball leave you bitter, never let it leave you cruel, even if it’s a miss.  You will get it next time, or the next, or the next.  Because sometimes, there are more lessons you can learn on a miss than a hit, you just have to know where to look.

 

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Quod ultimo

I’m not mad
I’m just glad
I was brave
To face that there was nothing left to save
I was right
To go to the end of this fight
Challenge by choice
A task I could not avoid
As everything came to a holt
I won’t point fingers to who’s at fault
The final curtain call
The dead end that stopped it all
You’re not the same
You’ve forgotten my name
The battle is done
One of my toughest, bar none
I knew it was a win right from the start
Even if it ended with a broken heart
It’s then time to start from scratch
Leave no trace and pick up the trash
I may be wounded now
But I will be stronger, this I vow                      For as long as you’re happy, it’s fine Though as you say, you have never been mine


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Primus Amor

Only you are in possession of the eyes I want to see grow old

For ours is a story that has always been untold

We have always loved to watch the sun rise

Starts the day and what starts up life

Sunsets we found are such cliche

Just like us we never wanted our days mundane

Today, I put down that last dagger I’ve hidden

That let’s me know I’m completely smitten

Now is the best time to strike

If revenge is what you seek in the dead of night

I stand out here with everything that I’ve got

Knowing the gain wouldn’t be as much

To the world it may not be

But it could lead me to once again feel

Have a reason to open my eyes without dread

Smile as I close them in bed

Another day passes by, I stay hopeful

I will hear those words, so beautiful

Every thing will be final on the day we met

Though nothing is promised yet

 

-juliet 20181029 2319

 

No More

It is always the first year that someone special has gone that’s the hardest.  You have to relive every single moment from the previous year but without them.  You have to teach yourself how each day, more so on important occasions, that you have to forget about them.  They say that the better memories hurt the most when it’s over.  You think you’re getting better because you try to tell yourself that everyday, that you’re doing great like some participation trophy.  But one uneventful day, you realize you no longer recognize the person staring back at you from the mirror, because you have lost the parts of yourself you love the most.  The parts that make you who you are.  Then you realize that the the best parts of yourself comes out when that someone was around.  The light bulbs slowly goes dimmer without you even noticing it.  All of a sudden you are looking at a totally different person, you’re not even sure you like.  Starting over is not just about letting go and moving on, it’s reintroducing yourself to the person that was changed by the pain you endured.  Showing yourself the ropes.  Eventually, you’ll get used to it but you’re a different version of yourself.  No notice, no false alarms, no drills, you’ve just changed.

 

-juliet 20181016 2039

Noir et Blanc

Count the rain and you might get close to how much tears I’ve shed
I was hanging on to the days I’m okay because they were better than the days I can’t get out of bed
Look at the stars and you might see the uneven holes you left in me
Bright as the moon when it’s full, dark as when it’s not
Like the memories I remembered and the ones I forgot
I used my pain to erase them all
But then again I’m starting to fall
Stop, wait a minute, I should stop
I don’t know how to undo this knot
What started as a harmless gesture
Became a grand obstacle course
Each beat feels like a there’s needle through my heart
But she’s smiling even from the start
She always had a mind of her own
Stubborn and strong, braver than I’ve ever known
I want the world to stop while I think
I can’t stand any longer, I feel like I’m about to sink
Drowning as I’ve always been when you’re around
As exagerrated as it sounds
But I’m starting to lose the will to try
I have never been a quitter but I believed I can fly
Though I’m running out of pixie dust
What else can I do but trust?
I’m sinking fast on this quick sand
But I’m not even trying to get out, all I’ve done is stand
Sinking fast I see you there
But it seems like all you’re doing is stare
Hand me a branch or anything to hold on to
Or maybe just stab me with it, why don’t you
It always seems like I’m the bad guy
But for some reason I’m back here I don’t know why
I just had to go down this rabbit hole
Like you have something of mine that you stole
I don’t want it back
But somehow I couldn’t keep track
I wish this was all a dream
So I could just wake up, as harsh as it may seem
I don’t understand
If you love me then take my hand
Maybe you were never really afraid to lose me
You made it look easy for you to set me free
But for as long as you’re okay
I guess I’ll be on my way
That was all I wanted to make sure of
I never really wanted this like I should’ve
Never was it really a no
The timing just always messed with the whole show
And we thought life couldn’t possibly screw with us even more
Whether it’s going to get worse, I’m not sure
And if I’d say I love you what would you say?
Would you say it back or stay away?
Why do I feel like it still fits?
Even though it seemed like I have been falling in this bottomless pit
Why do I feel like you’re the one?
If whatever we had or not is gone?
Why am I still doing this to myself?
Putting everything else on hold on the shelf?
I’m going to fight
With so little that I’ve got, with all my might
However this will start or end
I don’t have anything bad I intend
Whatever hits the fan I will let it
Whatever the answer maybe that’s the prize from all of this
There’s a lot for you to gain and lose if this goes south
Either way it’s a win for me, whether you’re in or out
Come tonight I wish to get the answer
Whether you’re in the book or just another chapter

 

-juliet 20181013 1138

Fast Forward to…

All of a sudden it all makes sense

From a storm that seemed so intense

The moment has come that the dust settles

For a time that seemed too little

You’ve survived, you’re okay

When you spent such a long time looking away

Finally all is said and done

A new dawn has begun

You see it now

All the whys and hows

It all worked out for the best

Like you hoped for, like you dreamed of as the outcome of your test

It is everything you’ve ever hoped for and more

You feel as if you’re done opening doors

Because that one door is staying open

Your favourite place that listens

No more questions everything is clear

You got the words you’ve been meaning to hear

Nobody else could take that smile away

For you’re looking at the one who draws it until the end of your days

-juliet 20181002 2126

Nine

Once again I found myself in a place I know so well, though everything had gotten older.  I have always loved it here.  The feeling it gives me.  I haven’t been here for what seemed like forever.  I never even thought of coming back because I’m all set.  But one fine night, I went to bed thinking of what my tomorrow looked like, my checklist of things to do and then I closed my eyes.  Little did I know that night would change everything.  I saw you, well in a dream.

At that point I have walked by the place.  A door I thought I locked.  One of my favourite places to go to.  A place that draws the smile on my face in the middle of a very busy day.  A place that brings me to tears when memories sneak up on me.  A place where I loved to stay for days, weeks on end.  I thought I would always have this place to rest in whenever I wanted to get away.  But every thing is temporary as they say.  One day, I decided to lock it.  Not because I hated it, not because I loved it any less than before and even though it went against every fibre of my being, I locked it for my own sake.  Selfish?  Maybe but I had my reasons.  I mostly felt alone when I was there.  It felt like a dagger stabbed me right through as soon as the key went in the lock and even more excruciatingly painful when I twisted the key to lock it.  I had to drag myself away from the door to heal.  Bleeding as I crawled just about anywhere I could rest.  On the surface, it may seem like I was just out to hurt myself to keep away from the one I’ve always loved but it was so much more than that.

To me, it meant watching the door closed tight when I know I’d want it to stay open.  It meant crawling away from a place I always yearned for when I have bad days.  It meant turning my back on a place I have always wanted to come home to when my days are better.  It meant looking at mundane things and chuckle on a memory, then on the same minute realizing how it’s all gone.  It meant seeing new things and almost immediately I had to remind myself that it was over.  It meant dreaming about being there again and waking up to tell myself it was no longer my reality, and grieve for days.  It meant teaching myself how to slowly erase memories I treasured.  It meant learning how to walk again.  It meant losing who I was without even noticing it.  It meant wearing this new face, new clothes, my new self that I don’t even really know at all.  It meant missing how I used to love laughing so much.  It meant convincing my heart to smile again.  It meant checking on myself every new year how I’m doing. It meant enduring the sight of each spider weaving its web to somehow tell how much time has passed. And time did pass.  I have gotten used to it.  Fewer tears were on my pillow at night, if not in the morning after I dream.  I laughed like how I used to, I’m slowly recognizing my reflection as I put the pieces back together, or what’s left of me.  But needless to say, I was back up on my feet.

After that dream, I went on with my day.  Days passed I couldn’t stop thinking about it.  So I went back and cleaned up the cobwebs, took a deep breath and unlocked the door.  I thought I would find a place I no longer recognize.  I thought every thing would have changed.  Nothing was moved.  Every detail on each corner I still found where they were the last time.  I broke down because it still felt like home.  For what it’s worth I want to keep this place and the door permanently open.  But I’m still figuring out if this place is done with me.  I don’t mind putting in the work, cleaning it up, tidying up some stuff, if it will let me stay.  But if I’m too little too late to have opened the door, this shouldn’t be as hard as before.  I know the ropes.

The world may think that it was a wrong move to lock it, but I needed those years.  Life has mostly been cruel to me.  But I fear no hardships.  Not a single dragon that came my way I haven’t slayed.  And it’s no surprise the world have always been judgemental of how I lived my life, I don’t know if it’s out of its own shame but I never faltered because I know I’m doing it right.  I’m closer to the later chapters of my book and the future excites me.

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Mi Corazon

I’m always hopeful that I’m not as cold as people seem to believe or say. You told me once that I’m not, I have always wondered if you were just saying that or do you mean it because maybe just maybe, I was somehow showing a side of me people don’t always see. I wanted it all to be over but my stubborn heart just can’t seem to give you up. The years have not been easy but we’ve always been tough warriors. In all those years, my heart was silent, I even thought she was going to give her seat up on the table. I guess she was mad at me too. She can’t imagine how this is hard when she only picked one. I wasn’t dumb enough to ask how she was for I already know the answer to that. She was devastated when I ripped her out, left her at home as I armoured up for battle everyday. Apparently, I underestimated her strength. Silent as she was, she sneaks up a memory or two when she sees something that reminds her of you. She knows what she’s doing, she knows I will grieve for days, but you see she doesn’t care because I guess I broke her. She never fails to let me know that. Over and over, I told her I needed to take care of her, nurse her back to health because she wasn’t exactly in good condition. She told me she can handle it, but I didn’t listen. Many times I would catch her playing memories I wanted to forget, I would then let her be, because I owe her that much. I made her walk away from you which seemed like the death of her, but she survived. I never knew she had that tremendous strength. Little by little I see her heal, but she never smiled again. She never cared to say anything. It was easy for her to give up on me, but she never gave up on you.

I wish I could tell you now how much she still loves you. I was the one who was always in a bad place, with my walls and my guns up and ready. I hope you will have the time to talk, saying it’s long overdue is an understatement at this point. Whether to start over or end things right this time. Even though my heart is in strong disagreement with the latter. But I guess to me love is not selfish. Just tell me you’re happy and I gladly yield even if it means I’m not the reason anymore.

I’m beyond terrified but my heart will never forgive me if I don’t at least fight for us this time. I never wanted to lose you, but if I have, know this, at this point in time, I know that was on me. Not to justify, I accept whatever consequence that would come my way because of my past actions but, I have my reasons when I make my decisions. Maybe a normal person (whatever normal is) will never fathom but I was never normal, I know that. If you know me at all, you know that I know what I want in life and I don’t kid around when it involves my life. But I’m here to stay and I won’t ever leave. I want to give us a chance.

My heart never picked anybody else but you. She always did, she still does and always will choose you.

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No U-turns

When there are no more corners where you make a turn

When there are fewer lessons to learn

When there are lesser tears you cry

All because you have lost the will to try

When you read what you have written in the past

When you realize the things you hoped that didn’t last

When you look forward to be in bed

Because you like to stay in your dreams instead

When you think that you had a second chance

When you found yourself smiling to a memory of the dance

When you thought the worst part is over

Because you just watched the love of your life walk out of your life forever

When you have to move forward and keep going

When you let go of your happy ending

When you find that last glimmer of hope in your heart

Because there may be no U-turns but this point could be your start

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