Avista

She stares intently at this lady who bears this youthful, gorgeous face, as her reflection does the same. She ties her hair up, putting each and every strand aside to clear it out of her face. She reaches out for her brush, put on foundation to start. Shape up her eyebrows, painted her eyes to give them that boost that they never really need. She put on mascara on her lashes that need not to be thicker. She ever so gently put blush on her cheeks and stained her lips. She then powdered her face to finish. She then took her hair tie off and began curling her hair. Spritz hairspray of course or it wouldn’t stay like that. She smiled in admiration of what she has done. Magnificent. She put on her dress and jewels and went on.

She reserved a seat for him. All throughout the night, many have asked for the seat and her answer was always there’s someone sitting there. One time she stood up to check on him. She opened the door and their eyes met. She didn’t say anything because she thought the gesture was enough, and it should be. She went back to her seat, the people she was surrounded with had told her time and again maybe he’s not coming anymore, but she played deaf to those comments. But the guys that have asked for the seat has not stopped ever since she sat there. That’s why some people would say maybe give that guy a chance to sit and then she would respond with he might come and see that someone is already sitting and I don’t want him to think I’ve replaced him. She has gone numb to the shrugs and sighs of the people around her. But she was always like that, stern and stubborn. Though you need not tell her that she is or was wrong because when she realizes it, she holds herself accountable.

She finally decided to go in the back, opened the door and said what’s going on, I saved a seat for you. And he responded with, you should start looking for someone to sit on it because I can’t. She didn’t reply, she felt that was enough, she had enough. She ever so calmly shut the door, walked back to her seat with tears rolling down her cheeks like waterfalls. By every step she takes, her heart breaks ten times greater than when it shattered as she closed the door. But she remained headstrong despite being weakened by every move she makes. She wiped off the tears on her face, dusted off the seat and sat back down like a lady on the seat she reserved for so long for him. Looked each of her people in the eyes, still tears running down her face but with a straight face she says it’s over. One of them argued, but she was sure of it. She wept for as long as she thought she has to. She knows she will stand again. She thought about how to other men, it was the best seat in the house, but completely meant nothing to him. She should have seen it, she should have heeded her doubts from the very beginning. But she found no use crying over spilled milk. And why should she keep it for longer, based on a false hope, on a hypothetical, she is worth so much more than that. She doesn’t need to be told twice because that’s how she was raised, she could almost hear her mother, Once is enough for a wise man. So it was indeed, over.

Then came a time, she stood up and moved to her seat. She started to smile back at the gentlemen who cast their gaze on that seat. She found herself taking chances. She was waiving back on gentlemen who waives to her. She was back to her old self and better. She was busy talking with the people around her and little did she know, someone sat on the seat. She looked at him, and he looked back. He didn’t bother asking her or anything. She didn’t bother to talk. But her glances have always been enough for anyone who has encountered her. That just made her smile, the thought of this guy being so brazen to sit there, but he just looked at her. Not a smile, not even a smirk, just eyes forward. She could kick him out but, she’s curious like that. She wants to see where this is going and how everything will unfold.

Then it made her think, this could be that light in the horizon. She doesn’t know if it will lead to a great sunrise or it’s just a breadcrumb, but it excites her. That’s when it hit her that the thought of him was a strange distant memory that was once in her reality. Then she knew she was back. But this time, she’s wiser, calmer and more collected. A change of scenery right in front of her.

-juliet 20191113 1414

Paraphrasing

When her world shattered into pieces right before her eyes. When her heart broke right before she could hold it. When she no longer felt because she was feeling everything at the same time. She was down for quite some time. Everyday she convinced herself to get up. For a thousand times with millions of reasons, she just never had the energy. What little energy she has left, she used to survive every day. Every day, she counts on the little wins but breaks down on the little losses. Not because she was weak but she was weakened by what had happened. She still needed to regain her strength. She knows it too. She knows that she will get back on her feet but she has to give it time.

Time and again, frustrations would set in on her and she would try to fight it and stop when she remembers that she needs to go through every single day and that there’s no shortcut to this.

Then she remembered how it is to be loved. She remembered how it looks like, how it felt like. She grew up feeling it. She forgot how screwed up this whole world is that she thought she was one of those who didn’t grow up with it. She forgot that’s what’s rare about her, she knows when she is loved and wanted. She forgot how that’s the sole reason why she never settled for anything that falls short because she is whole.

Often times, people would roll up their issues into a ball and throw it at her face, she used to retaliate but now, she understands. It was never about her, it was about them. They’re watching an entirely different movie. She was made as the bad guy for so many people’s stories, she has been painted as a villain more than the hero, she has been referred to as the coldest, heartless person they have met, but little do they know that she doesn’t mind it. She doesn’t mind being the villain to other people’s stories if that would somehow make them feel a little better about themselves, have whatever burden their carrying a little lighter. She doesn’t mind being the bad guy in whoever’s story if that would help their issues and insecurities. She doesn’t mind portrayed as cold and heartless, if that gives them the boost that they need. She is blessed beyond her comprehension and that’s why she believes that’s her way of giving back. She has this responsibility to be the punching bag because she doesn’t have insecurities and she has little to no issues about how her life is. And she can take the blows.

But of course she is imperfect, it takes a toll on her from time to time but she is sturdy enough to recover. She gets tired too. She falls short too. But she always followed what is right. She never justifies a wrong doing. To her a mistake is a mistake so she holds herself accountable for all her decisions and mistakes. But never did let words loose. She never said anything she doesn’t mean, now if someone says it hurt them, she will apologize for their feelings getting hurt but nonetheless she meant them.

Now she’s up and walking. She’s glad she took the time to completely heal. Starting over has never been a problem for her. She has always been a you-don’t-have-to-tell-me-twice kind of girl. If she thinks, you no longer value her as a person, you don’t even have to say it, she’s gone. She easily forgives, but she never forgets. Forgiving and giving it another chance is totally different for her. To her, you can always forgive everyone, but not everyone can come back in after. Like she never forgot who kicked her when she was down, who laughed at her misfortunes, who stuck their finger in her wounds but she’s not vengeful anymore. She figured she was too good at it that it got scary.

She believes a lot of things are better left unsaid, people don’t have to know your story they are not really interested because again, they’re watching a different movie. It’s never worth the effort to explain yourself. I have always loved that quote you don’t have to explain your life to people because the ones that really matter need no explanation, and of course I’m paraphrasing.

-juliet 20191107 1331

All That I Need

Maybe I’ll write about what you’ve lost
It’s everything I’ve got
I wonder if it’s worth my time
To even think of a line

Nothing was there for me to gain
All it caused was pain
Though it lifted something up
And it was so much more than I thought

Knock on my door
I shall open it but not like before
Not with hate, not with love
But indifference from the moment I turn the knob

Tell me about you
And I’ll respond like any stranger would
Ask me questions, I’ll be glad to answer them
It doesn’t matter why or when

No time will be wasted as soon as you leave
The peace I have is all that I need
I was born wanted and loved
The generation I was born with, that is rare to have

I know what it looks like, how it feels like
Anything less than that is not worth the hike
I forgave myself for being stubborn
I apologized because it took me so long

What I know now is that it has passed
My reality is getting better and it’s not that bad
Wherever life may lead
The peace I gained is all that I need

-juliet 20191024 1510

Revamped

I just needed a break

I just needed to stop

I just needed the open seas

It has always been about me

I just wanted to recharge

I just wanted to regroup

I just wanted to know

It was never about the strength of the blow

I had more than just a break but a holiday

I had more than just a stop but a layover

I had more than just a glance of the sea but an ocean

I was myself again

I had more than a recharge but a renewal

I had more than a regroup but a rebuild

I had more than just knowledge but wisdom

I gained more than I asked for and I was home

-juliet 20191015 1238

This is My Layover

I haven’t had the pleasure of keying in anything since I got home. Now that I have some time to kill, I thought of jotting down some thoughts that have been lingering my mind for the past few days. Whether it’s because of the jet lag or whatever but it has not left me yet, so. So far, in this year, half-way in nothing has gone my way. And I have followed through my resolution to go with whatever is thrown my way.

I thought for a few days before the flight while packing up, what was this trip for, Lord knows I need these 2 months to accomplish a lot of things. I then came up with, maybe it’s a much needed break to recharge my strength for the remaining months. Maybe it’s for me to stop and smell the roses. Maybe it’s for me to remember my world before my reality now. Maybe it’s to remind myself of who I am. But after hours up in the air, as I looked at my ticket for the next flight, I checked my layover and it dawned on me, this is my layover. Life is taking me somewhere and this is my layover. Like any long-haul flight, the destination is worth the travel, the uncomfortable seats and the tight washroom space. It doesn’t matter the people you encounter on the plane, it doesn’t matter who you’re with, what matters is who you’re getting to. The people waiting for you are the ones who choose you, those who want to see how you are because they really want to know how life is treating you.

Sometimes layovers are memorable too but it’s only what it is, a layover. After all the dashes in life are what matters most. I’m on a long-haul flight to a great destination, or at least to somewhere I love.

-juliet 1835 (Phil.Std Time) 20190715

Lo Siento Mi Corazon

Lo siento mi corazon for I have never given you a voice in my life.  It was never because you were never right but I know I was scared you would be wrong.

Lo siento mi corazon for I treated you as if you would never do me any good.  You always have that burning fire that worried me, that you might be too hasty and I would end up dealing with the aftermath.

Lo siento mi corazon for I never believed in you. I guess a part of me was in denial for I truly know what you’re capable of.  I know your strength and it’s overwhelming that I didn’t want to believe it.

Lo siento mi corazon for I have always made decisions that I never even thought of consulting you.  Some of those decisions I know now that you should have been the one to make the call because it broke you in the end. It broke you too many times.

Lo siento mi corazon for causing you your darkest hours.  It must have been hard waking up one day and everything was in total chaos but you had to walk through it.

Lo siento mi corazon for watching you bleed.  I heard you say do something, but that was beyond me.  I knew then no matter how much I would try to stop the bleeding, I can’t.

Lo siento mi corazon for when I finally made you take over and call the shots, it was already the final battle.

Lo siento mi corazon for shutting you out all the time.  I don’t mean to, I guess I have been so overly protective of breaking you, I broke you even harder each time.

Lo siento mi corazon for being stubborn.  I never meant for us to be on opposite sides of anything, but that’s what ends up happening every time.

Lo siento mi corazon for always putting you last.  And because I truly know your strength, I abused it and went to battles that ended up hurting you so bad and left you healing on your own.   Which you have always done ever so gracefully that I got used to it.

Lo siento mi corazon I never wanted you to lose.  But maybe it’s meant to be that way for you to see some things come to light. It may have shown me how strong and brave you are while showing you also that it’s time to let go.

Lo siento mi corazon for blaming you for our 3-days darkness, the clean slate heartbreak and the finale.  I know you should have been the first one I asked forgiveness from, but instead I put you on trial.

Lo siento mi corazon, no lo haré de nuevo.

-juliet 20190524 0221

Otrera

Barritus!

Slowly walking, taking careful steps while looking around. In a completely different ground, familiar place but with an entirely new scenery. Or maybe I changed, or maybe as my wounds have healed, my old goggles have shattered and now I can see clearly. What role each character had to play in the story leading to that final battle. I moved forward by retracing my steps.

Barritus!

As I moved along, I have noticed I was getting better. No arms, no shield, no armour. Just old bandages that I take off along the way. I reached in my pocket, I found a hairtie, put my hair up like I always do. I stepped on a puddle, a clear one. I glanced at my reflection and saw that I looked like myself again. I am awake and on a full ten. My eyes sharp, my mind clear, I had my battle face on. I have bounced back, stronger, wiser but calmer. I noticed I have no battle gear and if I have learned anything from the last battle, I don’t need one. That’s the new warrior that I have become. I smiled and kept walking.

Barritus!

I saw flowers from a distance, as I was heading towards it, I realized they were tulips, my favourite. I looked at them, beautiful and of various colours. I pondered on how I have always loved them, from the outside mysterious as if it has been keeping a secret but once opened, you realize it has been showing you its entirety all along. I heard something, a sound of an arrow in flight and hit a mark. I went on to search it. I saw a tree, I walk towards it and then saw the arrow pierced through its trunk with a note.

On the note it said:

You thought it was easy for Me that morning you were looking up to Me with those big brown eyes that I remember picking each hue Myself. You thought it wasn’t painful for Me trying to catch each and every tear falling down those cheeks that I sculpted Myself. You thought it didn’t hurt when I heard you say it’s so early in the morning over and over. Not even a sign of any trembling on that voice but the tears kept coming. You thought it meant nothing to Me when I was the one who watched you not taking a single bite, not a drop of water all day. I allowed all that to happen because I want you to discover how much stronger you are than you think. You are one of Mine, not everyone is.

I smiled and nodded. My Commander-in-chief knows me so well. I felt a kind of peace that’s indescribable. That’s when I knew I did good, I did it right. I never knew how long I have carried it that when the weight was lifted as if everything that’s heavy has left me. I knew then, a battle is up ahead. But I fully embrace what will come, learning from what was before as I work on it today. To run without my armour accelerates my speed. To fight with no shield is nothing but liberating. To go to battle without my weapons is my opportunity to test my ability, as a general, as a warrior, as a foot soldier. Obey as commanded in full surrender of His orders. All of that I bring to battle with me and no one can take it away.

Barritus!

-juliet 20190410 1427

This Is My Stop

I was walking on a dirt road and finally a bus. I looked back one last time on the shattered pieces of that haunted house I just battled in and then a last glance at the one I recovered in. I was on my way. I stepped on the bus and picked a seat. Then it began. As I looked out the window, I would see beautiful scenery but my mind was still in that dark old house. My thoughts were still all about the battle, the recovery and everything else in between. All that has happened kept playing in my head. I would fall asleep as I tire myself from thinking and feeling. Then a stop request, someone was getting off. I looked out the window, I saw the soldier looking at me. I thought maybe it was a mistake. Then again on the next stop. Then I wondered, I was on my way, the battle was over he already won, what was he doing. It happened more times than I thought. But I was tired. I thought that battle concluded everything. Brought things to finality. So the bus went on, we crossed to another province. I never saw the soldier again. I saw some familiar faces get on and off the bus and as time went on things slowly went back to normal. I was feeling great and excited to see what is ahead. Confused with where this bus is taking me really, but I embrace the challenges of unplanned days ahead.

When I entered that old house, I was armed and able, a general I pride myself as, but when I walked out I realized I am just another foot soldier, no matter the stars, no matter the stripes. I am not in charge of the plan, my mission is to play my part for a bigger purpose.

I saw an old notebook that had grocery lists written in the pages. Then I flipped and flipped hoping for a blank one, well half of the notebook was. I could not find a pen. I tried to borrow one but they were also using it or they do not have one. So I thought maybe at the next long stop I would be able to get one. Bus went on. Then that next stop came. I saw a convenience store, and I chuckled to myself thinking, how convenient. As I was about to go in, I saw a man walking out with a pen on his hand, he hopped on his car and left. I was delighted because then I knew they sold pens. As soon as I walked in the store, my heart sank when I saw the lady drop the empty box of pens. Then I saw these numbers on the box. I tried my luck and asked the lady anyway if she had any more, and then she said the guy bought the last one. I thought to myself I cannot believe I just saw the very last pen leave. I glanced at the clock, I saw those numbers again. I just said thanks then I left the store.

Went back on the bus, still with no pen, I tried to look under my seat and saw the bus number which were the same ones as the box and time. I started to read the grocery list, and from time and again I would come across those numbers. I just closed the notebook, put it in my pocket and looked out the window. at the next stop, there was someone who came in and for some reason, I was drawn to his boots as he came in and I saw what I thought was a pen. I got excited and before the driver drove off, I picked it up and sat back down. Then I immediately tried to see if it worked, I realized it was a mechanical pencil. There was no lead in it. I was a little bit frustrated and then I looked at the pencil and saw those numbers again. I then tried to rack my brain of what it meant, it had to mean something for me to be seeing it as I was looking for a pen. And suddenly, I remembered, I gave my pen to my Commander-in-chief. As I was looking for a new one in an attempt to plan out what I was to do next or where I would go. I no longer have it, or would I want it back, I am in complete submission to whatever He will write and how He will write the rest of my story.

I dozed off unintentionally, I dreamt of the soldier. I woke up a mess. I pondered why do I feel like this, I have been alright post-war so far. So I told myself that maybe there are just going to be days like these, where I am simply not okay. But then I thought I want to do something about this and stop everything. I started to think all of it over. I have always ended up hurting every time and what can I do to make this stop. I have to decide. I saw a stop sign. That is when I figured it out, I will just stop. I will stop hurting, I will stop thinking, I will just stop. Stop thinking with the hypotheticals, stop with what could have been and concentrate on what is to make way to what will be. So I put everything that happened on a time line and came up with a reality out of it. Some things may not have made sense but I thought it may have not for now, but maybe someday I will see. I sorted things out and saw how it all happened, once I had a grasp of the reality I was presented with in the process, I knew what I had to do, accept it. Hard as it was for I was playing tug of war with my stubborn heart, but I had to be firm about it. She has to see that it is for her own good. Once I had everything set, I felt good.

I finally pressed the stop request. After all, the biggest losses in our lives give us the best lessons, provide us with brilliant wisdom to carry forward. I may have lost that one but my story is not over. I waited and when the bus stopped, I left the notebook, the pencil with no lead, I left everything, and got off the bus. Took a deep breath as the bus drove off, I remembered that I had baggages with me when I got on the bus, and that is when I realized I really did leave everything. I was not meant to take them with me, I am at peace. I looked to my right and saw the bus stop sign. Then I thought This is my stop.

-juliet 20190403 1448

Luna

When days are tough that all you can do is write. And write everything that you can with anything you have left. When days are unbearable that all you can do is play a tune. And you play as instensely as you can with the pieces that’s left of your broken soul. When days are showered with stones thrown at you, filled with all of life’s atrocities. And you stop. You just close your eyes, breathe in with all your might and breathe out all of your frustrations hoping for the burden to get lighter. But it doesn’t.

When you no longer pay attention to the moon because you know very well there will come a time it will leave. But it does, you think of it, that maybe you should have given it even just a gaze that it deserves, for it might have always left but it does come back. At least you know from the get-go how it is, never will it leave you doubting because it always comes back. Maybe it left because it got right in between 2 things that matters to it the most, enough for it to be torn apart. Maybe it was never really because it wants to leave but what it has on its hand is far greater than it can bear. But you never really loved it enough to find out. You just immediately thought the worst of the moon. Because you know what it’s capable of. But hasn’t it ever occured to you that maybe, it’s as unstable as the tides when there’s a storm because you never cared enough to calm it down? When will it ever stop being about its phases?

Not all who have super powers use everything that they have, whether a villain or a super hero. Sometimes, the fear or the intimidation towards them are not because of what they are doing but of what they are capable of. Sometimes people birth monsters in their own heads.

-juliet 20190205 1422

It’s Just One of Those

Mornings that as soon as you open your eyes everything already seemed wrong

The kind that you know every hour is going to feel long

Those mornings that your mind says get up

The ones that you just want to lay there and want the time to stop

Days that you can’t wait to end

You put on the brightest smile just to blend

Nothing feels right

But you’re trying with all your might

Finally dusk, the day is almost over

When every single part of you feels weaker as the night gets closer

You feel proud to have done what you should

But even that didn’t change your mood

Those nights you get ready for bed

Then you lay there with thoughts in your head

You try to pray, you want to pray but only tears are coming out

Even though you want to shout

You let it all out, tears are prayers too, people say

You’re happy with your life but sometimes you are just not okay

Everything including this, too shall pass, I suppose

But you’re not okay, not tonight, because it’s just one of those

-juliet 20190121 2213