It’s Just One of Those

Mornings that as soon as you open your eyes everything already seemed wrong

The kind that you know every hour is going to feel long

Those mornings that your mind says get up

The ones that you just want to lay there and want the time to stop

Days that you can’t wait to end

You put on the brightest smile just to blend

Nothing feels right

But you’re trying with all your might

Finally dusk, the day is almost over

When every single part of you feels weaker as the night gets closer

You feel proud to have done what you should

But even that didn’t change your mood

Those nights you get ready for bed

Then you lay there with thoughts in your head

You try to pray, you want to pray but only tears are coming out

Even though you want to shout

You let it all out, tears are prayers too, people say

You’re happy with your life but sometimes you are just not okay

Everything including this, too shall pass, I suppose

But you’re not okay, not tonight, because it’s just one of those

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I’m Up

Such a cliche to write something on the first day of the year but so what?  I have decided not to pray for anything this year, and it’s because of what I went through the past year but let’s stop talking about last year for a second or the year before that or the one before, it’s not doing us any good.  For me, no more regrets, everything I ever did and said, I stand by it.  I will not wish for this year to be all good or to be better than the ones before, I will let it be how it should.  Not that I’m hoping for it to be all bad, but whether good things happen or otherwise, I will face it.  For the good times give us memories to look back on and the bad times makes us hopeful about the year to come.  No longer do I guard my heart, I will let her handle situations that she needs to deal with on her own for if I have learned anything in the last year, it’s how much her strength is.  But one thing I’ll make sure of, I will make the good times more fun than they already are and the bad times funny, for at least not only have you gained lesson(s) for life but a story to tell.  I have some bumps and bruises from last year’s battle but going in the new one, I will wear the scars like badges of honour I have earned from that fight.  I have everything and everyone that I need, but I can make room for more.

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Warrior Wake Up

Don’t put a period where God has put a comma

I saw this yesterday and it got me thinking. I couldn’t even dare do that. This past year has taught me a lot of things, though it still can’t trump my worst year which was a few years back. The reason it’s not that bad for me because I believe I have already experienced the worst year. So a few years ago on my worst year, it was a year of utter confusion, of feeling like I wanted to turn my heart off, something like that. But this time, it’s different or maybe I got stronger, I’m thankful.

I’m thankful for all the lessons the year has taught me

I’m thankful for all that came to light and made me realize who I really am

I’m thankful for every thing that happened that made me retrace my steps and reminded me what I’m capable of

I’m thankful for the door that finally closed and made me ponder that maybe I kept my heart open to it for so long

I’m thankful for the support system I have that fuels my drive for life’s battles every time

I’m thankful for the people who showed me what role they play in my story even though it wasn’t what I thought it was

I’m thankful for the tears on my pillow at night or in the morning for they were prayers when my heart couldn’t speak and I know each drop was heard

I’m thankful to realize that I have a heart that is stronger than I thought she was

I’m thankful for the ones that I have lost, it was fun while it lasted

I swore not to have a New Year’s resolution for the next year. I just pray for my family’s health and happiness then I’m good. Anything else in my life, I will just let it happen. After all, discovering a whole new side of myself that I intend to keep, learning that my heart could go to battles with me, what could life throw at me that I can’t endure. I’m not taunting, but I’m just positive that I have slayed mightier dragons in the past, the more powerful the dragons you slay, sharper will your sword be, thicker will your shield get and wiser will you handle them. This year wasn’t that bad, I’m thankful for every single thing that happened.

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Sometimes

That night I already knew it was the last time I’m ever going to see you. But I couldn’t say goodbye, not to you. I’m tough but not tough enough for that, I just can’t come to terms with myself in saying goodbye. So I just stood there like a lamp post. I had to leave because I don’t want to tie you down. Days went by and each of them unbearable of course. Until the 365th day, I still felt the same but I have accepted that maybe it’s best to let go. And I did, thinking all along that if you felt the same, you would do something, say something. But all I got was silence, from you and from my heart, and I had to remind myself that it couldn’t happen because you didn’t feel the same way. I never had anything to hold on to but there was this tiny bit of hope that you will come after me. But you never did so I just had to make her understand that she picked the wrong one and it’s okay because it happens. It took me so long to make her understand that you don’t feel the same way.

So I took it as a do-over. I went on, more of like I dragged myself to moving forward until I was no longer looking back. It came to a point when I was looking forward to what’s to come. And then one fine night I went to sleep and dreamt, and it was the beginning of the end.

I’m glad it all happened, I had the chance to say everything I had to. I didn’t even realize the weight until I was able to let it out. I wasn’t even expecting a response. But at that point any reply would be good enough for me, at least I had that part of my life sealed and settled. But of course I got hurt, because it wasn’t just saying goodbye to those few times, but I’m burying the hatchet from day 1. It’s releasing yourself to the memories of the good times and remembering the lessons from the bad times. And even from the start this was how I have always felt, for as long as you’re happy, that’s good enough for me. Whether I’m in it or not, that’s fine with me, I will rest on that thought that you are happy. And I wish it was as easy as looking for you at all the lost and found places in the world but it’s not.

I still see you often in my dreams, and not the kind you think dreams are or at least not like the ones you have, but just us talking and hanging out like the old days. Laughing at the most stupid things, arguing at tiny details that come across our minds, talking about ridiculously impossible situations and anything about everything but us. Then we’d have our theories on things in life. I don’t really make anything out of it, I just appreciate the company. I believe it wasn’t that bad of an ending, it was good while it lasted at least for me. Sometimes things end just like that. Suddenly it just ended.

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The Sword with Five Crosses

Opened my eyes

Stared at the ceiling and realized

I’m in the future

Gone are the days that made me feel so unsure

I see a beautiful horizon

I head there on a full 10 and strong

I grew up knowing who I am, what I’m worth

I face this life no longer with regrets until I leave this earth

Life has always been cruel but it never made me one

As I come back from the wars it gives me, I have always won

Wounded as I may have when I come home

But I always get back up and carry on

I wear my battle scars like badges of honour

Like any other warrior

I no longer guard my heart, I no longer keep it safe

I have learned that she belongs to me so she is tough and brave

Even with how wounded she was

She heals herself even faster than she had

Each challenge just makes us tougher

Now that I have learned, there’s nothing we can’t conquer

 

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Hey Batter, Batter!

More often than not, life hits you with a curve ball, and when you just grab a bat and swing, you’ll be surprised with yourself sometimes.  But if you just stand there and let it hit you then all it does is hit you.  Some people would just dodge not realizing the exact same one will keep coming back.  Face it head on.  Because sometimes, you hit them out of the park and do a home run.  Yes, you’ll need to catch your breath, but then what if you have enough power to run, then it wouldn’t be as tiring.  Sometimes your uniform gets a lot of dirt but when you hear the crowds cheer and your team get that score, sometimes, those are the things you need to gladly brush the dust off of it.  Even if not all of the dust come off, when you do your laundry, you’d smile and remember that hit.  How you never thought you could do it but you came out swinging instead of cowering and just let it hit you.

But it’s not every time that you hit the ball, sometimes, it’s a miss.  And it all trickles down to you not getting that ball out of the park, you get a ball or a strike.  Then again, you don’t get only 3 strikes in life, the strikes are unlimited.  So even if you miss, at least you have tried and it’s fine.  Even if you have to teach yourself again how everything goes, you will get there.  Knowing full well you will definitely get better every time.

Some curve balls are there to remind you of your strength.  Sometimes we get caught up in fulfilling our basic needs, completing mundane to-do lists in our humdrum lives that we forget what we are built for, what we are made of.  Sometimes those curve balls we need, also to remind us of all the breakdowns we had, all the heart breaks we endured and the chipped pieces of us we have lost from past curve balls actually paid off.  Then you realize you’re still standing tall with those battle scars for a reason.  Never let a curve ball leave you bitter, never let it leave you cruel, even if it’s a miss.  You will get it next time, or the next, or the next.  Because sometimes, there are more lessons you can learn on a miss than a hit, you just have to know where to look.

 

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Primus Amor

Only you are in possession of the eyes I want to see grow old

For ours is a story that has always been untold

We have always loved to watch the sun rise

Starts the day and what starts up life

Sunsets we found are such cliche

Just like us we never wanted our days mundane

Today, I put down that last dagger I’ve hidden

That let’s me know I’m completely smitten

Now is the best time to strike

If revenge is what you seek in the dead of night

I stand out here with everything that I’ve got

Knowing the gain wouldn’t be as much

To the world it may not be

But it could lead me to once again feel

Have a reason to open my eyes without dread

Smile as I close them in bed

Another day passes by, I stay hopeful

I will hear those words, so beautiful

Every thing will be final on the day we met

Though nothing is promised yet

 

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No More

It is always the first year that someone special has gone that’s the hardest.  You have to relive every single moment from the previous year but without them.  You have to teach yourself how each day, more so on important occasions, that you have to forget about them.  They say that the better memories hurt the most when it’s over.  You think you’re getting better because you try to tell yourself that everyday, that you’re doing great like some participation trophy.  But one uneventful day, you realize you no longer recognize the person staring back at you from the mirror, because you have lost the parts of yourself you love the most.  The parts that make you who you are.  Then you realize that the the best parts of yourself comes out when that someone was around.  The light bulbs slowly goes dimmer without you even noticing it.  All of a sudden you are looking at a totally different person, you’re not even sure you like.  Starting over is not just about letting go and moving on, it’s reintroducing yourself to the person that was changed by the pain you endured.  Showing yourself the ropes.  Eventually, you’ll get used to it but you’re a different version of yourself.  No notice, no false alarms, no drills, you’ve just changed.

 

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Fast Forward to…

All of a sudden it all makes sense

From a storm that seemed so intense

The moment has come that the dust settles

For a time that seemed too little

You’ve survived, you’re okay

When you spent such a long time looking away

Finally all is said and done

A new dawn has begun

You see it now

All the whys and hows

It all worked out for the best

Like you hoped for, like you dreamed of as the outcome of your test

It is everything you’ve ever hoped for and more

You feel as if you’re done opening doors

Because that one door is staying open

Your favourite place that listens

No more questions everything is clear

You got the words you’ve been meaning to hear

Nobody else could take that smile away

For you’re looking at the one who draws it until the end of your days

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Nine

Once again I found myself in a place I know so well, though everything had gotten older.  I have always loved it here.  The feeling it gives me.  I haven’t been here for what seemed like forever.  I never even thought of coming back because I’m all set.  But one fine night, I went to bed thinking of what my tomorrow looked like, my checklist of things to do and then I closed my eyes.  Little did I know that night would change everything.  I saw you, well in a dream.

At that point I have walked by the place.  A door I thought I locked.  One of my favourite places to go to.  A place that draws the smile on my face in the middle of a very busy day.  A place that brings me to tears when memories sneak up on me.  A place where I loved to stay for days, weeks on end.  I thought I would always have this place to rest in whenever I wanted to get away.  But every thing is temporary as they say.  One day, I decided to lock it.  Not because I hated it, not because I loved it any less than before and even though it went against every fibre of my being, I locked it for my own sake.  Selfish?  Maybe but I had my reasons.  I mostly felt alone when I was there.  It felt like a dagger stabbed me right through as soon as the key went in the lock and even more excruciatingly painful when I twisted the key to lock it.  I had to drag myself away from the door to heal.  Bleeding as I crawled just about anywhere I could rest.  On the surface, it may seem like I was just out to hurt myself to keep away from the one I’ve always loved but it was so much more than that.

To me, it meant watching the door closed tight when I know I’d want it to stay open.  It meant crawling away from a place I always yearned for when I have bad days.  It meant turning my back on a place I have always wanted to come home to when my days are better.  It meant looking at mundane things and chuckle on a memory, then on the same minute realizing how it’s all gone.  It meant seeing new things and almost immediately I had to remind myself that it was over.  It meant dreaming about being there again and waking up to tell myself it was no longer my reality, and grieve for days.  It meant teaching myself how to slowly erase memories I treasured.  It meant learning how to walk again.  It meant losing who I was without even noticing it.  It meant wearing this new face, new clothes, my new self that I don’t even really know at all.  It meant missing how I used to love laughing so much.  It meant convincing my heart to smile again.  It meant checking on myself every new year how I’m doing. It meant enduring the sight of each spider weaving its web to somehow tell how much time has passed. And time did pass.  I have gotten used to it.  Fewer tears were on my pillow at night, if not in the morning after I dream.  I laughed like how I used to, I’m slowly recognizing my reflection as I put the pieces back together, or what’s left of me.  But needless to say, I was back up on my feet.

After that dream, I went on with my day.  Days passed I couldn’t stop thinking about it.  So I went back and cleaned up the cobwebs, took a deep breath and unlocked the door.  I thought I would find a place I no longer recognize.  I thought every thing would have changed.  Nothing was moved.  Every detail on each corner I still found where they were the last time.  I broke down because it still felt like home.  For what it’s worth I want to keep this place and the door permanently open.  But I’m still figuring out if this place is done with me.  I don’t mind putting in the work, cleaning it up, tidying up some stuff, if it will let me stay.  But if I’m too little too late to have opened the door, this shouldn’t be as hard as before.  I know the ropes.

The world may think that it was a wrong move to lock it, but I needed those years.  Life has mostly been cruel to me.  But I fear no hardships.  Not a single dragon that came my way I haven’t slayed.  And it’s no surprise the world have always been judgemental of how I lived my life, I don’t know if it’s out of its own shame but I never faltered because I know I’m doing it right.  I’m closer to the later chapters of my book and the future excites me.

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