No More

It is always the first year that someone special has gone that’s the hardest.  You have to relive every single moment from the previous year but without them.  You have to teach yourself how each day, more so on important occasions, that you have to forget about them.  They say that the better memories hurt the most when it’s over.  You think you’re getting better because you try to tell yourself that everyday, that you’re doing great like some participation trophy.  But one uneventful day, you realize you no longer recognize the person staring back at you from the mirror, because you have lost the parts of yourself you love the most.  The parts that make you who you are.  Then you realize that the the best parts of yourself comes out when that someone was around.  The light bulbs slowly goes dimmer without you even noticing it.  All of a sudden you are looking at a totally different person, you’re not even sure you like.  Starting over is not just about letting go and moving on, it’s reintroducing yourself to the person that was changed by the pain you endured.  Showing yourself the ropes.  Eventually, you’ll get used to it but you’re a different version of yourself.  No notice, no false alarms, no drills, you’ve just changed.

 

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Fast Forward to…

All of a sudden it all makes sense

From a storm that seemed so intense

The moment has come that the dust settles

For a time that seemed too little

You’ve survived, you’re okay

When you spent such a long time looking away

Finally all is said and done

A new dawn has begun

You see it now

All the whys and hows

It all worked out for the best

Like you hoped for, like you dreamed of as the outcome of your test

It is everything you’ve ever hoped for and more

You feel as if you’re done opening doors

Because that one door is staying open

Your favourite place that listens

No more questions everything is clear

You got the words you’ve been meaning to hear

Nobody else could take that smile away

For you’re looking at the one who draws it until the end of your days

-juliet 20181002 2126

Nine

Once again I found myself in a place I know so well, though everything had gotten older.  I have always loved it here.  The feeling it gives me.  I haven’t been here for what seemed like forever.  I never even thought of coming back because I’m all set.  But one fine night, I went to bed thinking of what my tomorrow looked like, my checklist of things to do and then I closed my eyes.  Little did I know that night would change everything.  I saw you, well in a dream.

At that point I have walked by the place.  A door I thought I locked.  One of my favourite places to go to.  A place that draws the smile on my face in the middle of a very busy day.  A place that brings me to tears when memories sneak up on me.  A place where I loved to stay for days, weeks on end.  I thought I would always have this place to rest in whenever I wanted to get away.  But every thing is temporary as they say.  One day, I decided to lock it.  Not because I hated it, not because I loved it any less than before and even though it went against every fibre of my being, I locked it for my own sake.  Selfish?  Maybe but I had my reasons.  I mostly felt alone when I was there.  It felt like a dagger stabbed me right through as soon as the key went in the lock and even more excruciatingly painful when I twisted the key to lock it.  I had to drag myself away from the door to heal.  Bleeding as I crawled just about anywhere I could rest.  On the surface, it may seem like I was just out to hurt myself to keep away from the one I’ve always loved but it was so much more than that.

To me, it meant watching the door closed tight when I know I’d want it to stay open.  It meant crawling away from a place I always yearned for when I have bad days.  It meant turning my back on a place I have always wanted to come home to when my days are better.  It meant looking at mundane things and chuckle on a memory, then on the same minute realizing how it’s all gone.  It meant seeing new things and almost immediately I had to remind myself that it was over.  It meant dreaming about being there again and waking up to tell myself it was no longer my reality, and grieve for days.  It meant teaching myself how to slowly erase memories I treasured.  It meant learning how to walk again.  It meant losing who I was without even noticing it.  It meant wearing this new face, new clothes, my new self that I don’t even really know at all.  It meant missing how I used to love laughing so much.  It meant convincing my heart to smile again.  It meant checking on myself every new year how I’m doing. It meant enduring the sight of each spider weaving its web to somehow tell how much time has passed. And time did pass.  I have gotten used to it.  Fewer tears were on my pillow at night, if not in the morning after I dream.  I laughed like how I used to, I’m slowly recognizing my reflection as I put the pieces back together, or what’s left of me.  But needless to say, I was back up on my feet.

After that dream, I went on with my day.  Days passed I couldn’t stop thinking about it.  So I went back and cleaned up the cobwebs, took a deep breath and unlocked the door.  I thought I would find a place I no longer recognize.  I thought every thing would have changed.  Nothing was moved.  Every detail on each corner I still found where they were the last time.  I broke down because it still felt like home.  For what it’s worth I want to keep this place and the door permanently open.  But I’m still figuring out if this place is done with me.  I don’t mind putting in the work, cleaning it up, tidying up some stuff, if it will let me stay.  But if I’m too little too late to have opened the door, this shouldn’t be as hard as before.  I know the ropes.

The world may think that it was a wrong move to lock it, but I needed those years.  Life has mostly been cruel to me.  But I fear no hardships.  Not a single dragon that came my way I haven’t slayed.  And it’s no surprise the world have always been judgemental of how I lived my life, I don’t know if it’s out of its own shame but I never faltered because I know I’m doing it right.  I’m closer to the later chapters of my book and the future excites me.

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Mi Corazon

I’m always hopeful that I’m not as cold as people seem to believe or say. You told me once that I’m not, I have always wondered if you were just saying that or do you mean it because maybe just maybe, I was somehow showing a side of me people don’t always see. I wanted it all to be over but my stubborn heart just can’t seem to give you up. The years have not been easy but we’ve always been tough warriors. In all those years, my heart was silent, I even thought she was going to give her seat up on the table. I guess she was mad at me too. She can’t imagine how this is hard when she only picked one. I wasn’t dumb enough to ask how she was for I already know the answer to that. She was devastated when I ripped her out, left her at home as I armoured up for battle everyday. Apparently, I underestimated her strength. Silent as she was, she sneaks up a memory or two when she sees something that reminds her of you. She knows what she’s doing, she knows I will grieve for days, but you see she doesn’t care because I guess I broke her. She never fails to let me know that. Over and over, I told her I needed to take care of her, nurse her back to health because she wasn’t exactly in good condition. She told me she can handle it, but I didn’t listen. Many times I would catch her playing memories I wanted to forget, I would then let her be, because I owe her that much. I made her walk away from you which seemed like the death of her, but she survived. I never knew she had that tremendous strength. Little by little I see her heal, but she never smiled again. She never cared to say anything. It was easy for her to give up on me, but she never gave up on you.

I wish I could tell you now how much she still loves you. I was the one who was always in a bad place, with my walls and my guns up and ready. I hope you will have the time to talk, saying it’s long overdue is an understatement at this point. Whether to start over or end things right this time. Even though my heart is in strong disagreement with the latter. But I guess to me love is not selfish. Just tell me you’re happy and I gladly yield even if it means I’m not the reason anymore.

I’m beyond terrified but my heart will never forgive me if I don’t at least fight for us this time. I never wanted to lose you, but if I have, know this, at this point in time, I know that was on me. Not to justify, I accept whatever consequence that would come my way because of my past actions but, I have my reasons when I make my decisions. Maybe a normal person (whatever normal is) will never fathom but I was never normal, I know that. If you know me at all, you know that I know what I want in life and I don’t kid around when it involves my life. But I’m here to stay and I won’t ever leave. I want to give us a chance.

My heart never picked anybody else but you. She always did, she still does and always will choose you.

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No U-turns

When there are no more corners where you make a turn

When there are fewer lessons to learn

When there are lesser tears you cry

All because you have lost the will to try

When you read what you have written in the past

When you realize the things you hoped that didn’t last

When you look forward to be in bed

Because you like to stay in your dreams instead

When you think that you had a second chance

When you found yourself smiling to a memory of the dance

When you thought the worst part is over

Because you just watched the love of your life walk out of your life forever

When you have to move forward and keep going

When you let go of your happy ending

When you find that last glimmer of hope in your heart

Because there may be no U-turns but this point could be your start

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Don’t Be Late

Say I love you when you’re not listening

My favourite line from a song Distance by Christina Perri and Jason Mraz.  When someone occupies your mind so much it hurts, you eventually get yourself together and stop.  When someone breaks your heart, all you need is time for it to heal.  When someone injures your soul, that’s a deeper cut, you might heal but you’re also guaranteed a scar.  When someone causes a dent to your spirit, it doesn’t leave a mark because everything else shatters.  You have to rebuild from bottom to the top.

In a lifetime, every decade, you ask a big question.  Every year, you make a big change that you end up surrendering back to habit.  Every month, you wish life will be kind enough for you to get through it.  Every week, you plan out things you have to get done.  Everyday, you survive.  Or at least try to.

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Chasing Shadows

Years ago I met you, since then I got curious, so the chase began.  Every time I catch a glimpse of you I tend to follow you around, but you were never in my grasp, never within my reach.  Then one day, I found myself asking my reflection why were we going after you.  So I decided to stop, just to let it go.

Years ahead and I saw you again, just like that I was back on the chase without me knowing it.  This time it was different the room was a little crowded, but I was focused, I knew exactly where to look.  All of a sudden when the room was clearing up, as I thought this is going to be it, I saw someone else with you.  Then I found myself on the same mirror and decided to let it go.

Years have passed, there you were again, this time I told myself oh not this again.  I knew how it starts and ends.  But again, this time was different, you have seemed to miss the chase I guess, because I found you just standing still, not moving around like before.  You seemed down.  Then, what I would have run towards before happened, you reached out your hand.  But I walked away.  I never really knew what happened then.  I just let go.

Years later, I went back to where I left you.  You were still there, then the dance began again.  The same old music, the same people in the same room and more.  I finally got close, and closer only to find out that it was just your shadow.

Over the years I have realized that it wasn’t even you, I was just chasing shadows.

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1 2 3

Again and again I find myself at a starting point, well, more of like a checkpoint, like the ones on games.  After the first 4 months of the year, 2018 continues to poke around my life.  It has always amazed me what my day comes up with every single time.  The world has always been my playground. Never my empty canvass for I can’t draw, rather a blank sheet of paper.  Blue sky with chunky white clouds that I’ve always seen in shapes of everyday life and not just a ball of white smoke.  Someone once said, it takes a special kind of eyes.

I have always and always come home to writing, whether typed on a blog, written on a scrap, on a napkin, on someone else’s notebook.  I have always loved the feeling of how paper accommodates my words.  I’m always going to be an old soul, will always believe chivalry shouldn’t die with time.  Yet again people are less concerned with the kind of people they leave and more focused on what society expects out of them.  I have never been of this world, and thus people have frowned, smirked or even spat at the decisions I have made in my life.  It was never about what the world tells me, for I am not his but His.  I have always made my decision according to what I have been given.  I have never looked at my neighbour’s life and wished it was mine.  I have never learned of a friend’s triumph and rained on their parade.  I have always known, I’m of a different kind.  My test questions are different from others, why should I answer them how the world dictates me to.

Many times have I tried to experiment, on people’s responses.  Sometimes I say things, just to see how people would react and get the real answers I need.  I have always had my way with words.  That’s the sole reason why I always give people chances, because I know what kind of tongue I possess.

I know myself better than anyone else, that’s why I never accord my decisions to the world.  This world ran me over multiple times but I just got back up.  I have always loved the solace I have in my life.  I have read that solitude is actually dangerous, because once you’ve experienced it, you would hesitate to let the world in.

Now, I’m starting from scratch, like I haven’t met the people I have, like it’s  December again.  Like I haven’t received a message on my birthday.  Like when my world was peaceful.  Just me, and the few people I love.  Today is my checkpoint.  Starting from scratch.

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Scribbles

The empty space in the beginning, looks as beautiful as after you have written something on it.  Each and every day, I realize how thick the walls you built around the room I have given you.  I have managed to tear down the layers of wallpaper that seemed to take forever to rip out.  And then the wall hit me of how thick they are.  It seems like if I’d let somebody in that room, I wouldn’t be able to hear them anyway.  Because right before you left the room, you thickened it so much.  But, I accept the challenge of tearing it down,  I’ll get there eventually, maybe not now, but I know I’ll get there.

As I was in the room, I heard your voice again.  I heard that laugh when you find something so funny.  I know I sometimes gave you a hard time and it wasn’t because of you, it was me.  There are battles only one person besides me know about.  I was wondering because, I was listening to Perfect by Ed Sheeran, on that line where it said,  I see my future in your eyes, I no longer saw yours.

The future excites me though.  Lately, my anxiety have been so unkind.  I’ll figure it out.  In the fall, when the leaves are magnificent, a new challenge will arise.  But let’s put it off for tomorrow.  Let’s talk about today.  One day at a time.  There are a lot of things I have realized after I’ve stayed in that room for some time.  You wore my heart down.  Sucked all of the blood to the very last drop.  But well, I’m slowly getting there, slowly standing back to where I was.

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Stranger Tides

When an artist paints the whole world shuts down, no background noise, no nothing, just the artist and its canvas.  When a singer hums, it’s much more raw than when she’s in front of a crowd.  The tune is nude, with the singer’s heart beat as the instrument that leads it.  When a poet writes, the world doesn’t shut down, but it comes alive.  All the objects around him move with every stroke of his pen.  When a rock star is alone, with his guitar, even indoors he feels the breeze with every string he strums.

When an explorer discovers new land, no feast can ever express the greatness he feels about himself.  When a general wins a war, not even the grandest parade can beat the feeling of home.  That is why soldiers search for a wife, a lover, a family, something to look forward to when they come home.  Something or someone to come home to.

But for some, solitude is what they seek.  And the world does not understand, so it tends to destroy the spirit of such a warrior.  Someone different, is just abnormal and yet, when we look around nobody really is alike in the world.  The world would never permit happiness upon those who go against the tide, reminders are plastered all over the walls, magazines and even on the lips of those for the world.

There is no telling when it all ends, but I for one would want to come home and tell a great story of my life, rather than, tell a story that is somewhat similar to everyone elses.