It’s Just One of Those

Mornings that as soon as you open your eyes everything already seemed wrong

The kind that you know every hour is going to feel long

Those mornings that your mind says get up

The ones that you just want to lay there and want the time to stop

Days that you can’t wait to end

You put on the brightest smile just to blend

Nothing feels right

But you’re trying with all your might

Finally dusk, the day is almost over

When every single part of you feels weaker as the night gets closer

You feel proud to have done what you should

But even that didn’t change your mood

Those nights you get ready for bed

Then you lay there with thoughts in your head

You try to pray, you want to pray but only tears are coming out

Even though you want to shout

You let it all out, tears are prayers too, people say

You’re happy with your life but sometimes you are just not okay

Everything including this, too shall pass, I suppose

But you’re not okay, not tonight, because it’s just one of those

-juliet 20190121 2213

Advertisements

I’m Up

Such a cliche to write something on the first day of the year but so what?  I have decided not to pray for anything this year, and it’s because of what I went through the past year but let’s stop talking about last year for a second or the year before that or the one before, it’s not doing us any good.  For me, no more regrets, everything I ever did and said, I stand by it.  I will not wish for this year to be all good or to be better than the ones before, I will let it be how it should.  Not that I’m hoping for it to be all bad, but whether good things happen or otherwise, I will face it.  For the good times give us memories to look back on and the bad times makes us hopeful about the year to come.  No longer do I guard my heart, I will let her handle situations that she needs to deal with on her own for if I have learned anything in the last year, it’s how much her strength is.  But one thing I’ll make sure of, I will make the good times more fun than they already are and the bad times funny, for at least not only have you gained lesson(s) for life but a story to tell.  I have some bumps and bruises from last year’s battle but going in the new one, I will wear the scars like badges of honour I have earned from that fight.  I have everything and everyone that I need, but I can make room for more.

-juliet 20190101 2132

Warrior Wake Up

Don’t put a period where God has put a comma

I saw this yesterday and it got me thinking. I couldn’t even dare do that. This past year has taught me a lot of things, though it still can’t trump my worst year which was a few years back. The reason it’s not that bad for me because I believe I have already experienced the worst year. So a few years ago on my worst year, it was a year of utter confusion, of feeling like I wanted to turn my heart off, something like that. But this time, it’s different or maybe I got stronger, I’m thankful.

I’m thankful for all the lessons the year has taught me

I’m thankful for all that came to light and made me realize who I really am

I’m thankful for every thing that happened that made me retrace my steps and reminded me what I’m capable of

I’m thankful for the door that finally closed and made me ponder that maybe I kept my heart open to it for so long

I’m thankful for the support system I have that fuels my drive for life’s battles every time

I’m thankful for the people who showed me what role they play in my story even though it wasn’t what I thought it was

I’m thankful for the tears on my pillow at night or in the morning for they were prayers when my heart couldn’t speak and I know each drop was heard

I’m thankful to realize that I have a heart that is stronger than I thought she was

I’m thankful for the ones that I have lost, it was fun while it lasted

I swore not to have a New Year’s resolution for the next year. I just pray for my family’s health and happiness then I’m good. Anything else in my life, I will just let it happen. After all, discovering a whole new side of myself that I intend to keep, learning that my heart could go to battles with me, what could life throw at me that I can’t endure. I’m not taunting, but I’m just positive that I have slayed mightier dragons in the past, the more powerful the dragons you slay, sharper will your sword be, thicker will your shield get and wiser will you handle them. This year wasn’t that bad, I’m thankful for every single thing that happened.

-juliet 20181228 1153

Sometimes

That night I already knew it was the last time I’m ever going to see you. But I couldn’t say goodbye, not to you. I’m tough but not tough enough for that, I just can’t come to terms with myself in saying goodbye. So I just stood there like a lamp post. I had to leave because I don’t want to tie you down. Days went by and each of them unbearable of course. Until the 365th day, I still felt the same but I have accepted that maybe it’s best to let go. And I did, thinking all along that if you felt the same, you would do something, say something. But all I got was silence, from you and from my heart, and I had to remind myself that it couldn’t happen because you didn’t feel the same way. I never had anything to hold on to but there was this tiny bit of hope that you will come after me. But you never did so I just had to make her understand that she picked the wrong one and it’s okay because it happens. It took me so long to make her understand that you don’t feel the same way.

So I took it as a do-over. I went on, more of like I dragged myself to moving forward until I was no longer looking back. It came to a point when I was looking forward to what’s to come. And then one fine night I went to sleep and dreamt, and it was the beginning of the end.

I’m glad it all happened, I had the chance to say everything I had to. I didn’t even realize the weight until I was able to let it out. I wasn’t even expecting a response. But at that point any reply would be good enough for me, at least I had that part of my life sealed and settled. But of course I got hurt, because it wasn’t just saying goodbye to those few times, but I’m burying the hatchet from day 1. It’s releasing yourself to the memories of the good times and remembering the lessons from the bad times. And even from the start this was how I have always felt, for as long as you’re happy, that’s good enough for me. Whether I’m in it or not, that’s fine with me, I will rest on that thought that you are happy. And I wish it was as easy as looking for you at all the lost and found places in the world but it’s not.

I still see you often in my dreams, and not the kind you think dreams are or at least not like the ones you have, but just us talking and hanging out like the old days. Laughing at the most stupid things, arguing at tiny details that come across our minds, talking about ridiculously impossible situations and anything about everything but us. Then we’d have our theories on things in life. I don’t really make anything out of it, I just appreciate the company. I believe it wasn’t that bad of an ending, it was good while it lasted at least for me. Sometimes things end just like that. Suddenly it just ended.

-juliet 20181227 1321

The Sword with Five Crosses

Opened my eyes

Stared at the ceiling and realized

I’m in the future

Gone are the days that made me feel so unsure

I see a beautiful horizon

I head there on a full 10 and strong

I grew up knowing who I am, what I’m worth

I face this life no longer with regrets until I leave this earth

Life has always been cruel but it never made me one

As I come back from the wars it gives me, I have always won

Wounded as I may have when I come home

But I always get back up and carry on

I wear my battle scars like badges of honour

Like any other warrior

I no longer guard my heart, I no longer keep it safe

I have learned that she belongs to me so she is tough and brave

Even with how wounded she was

She heals herself even faster than she had

Each challenge just makes us tougher

Now that I have learned, there’s nothing we can’t conquer

 

-juliet 20181209 1251

When it All Falls Down

I woke up. I woke up from a dream I had, for a while it seemed as though it was my reality.  But no, it was all a dream. Now I’m awake, back to the reality I left when I closed my eyes. All of a sudden I hear horns, I hear cars and my tires are slipping on the road. Oh it’s winter. But it was only fall when I went into my slumber. Strange. I’m back to where I was last winter but a lot has happened. Everything went back in place.

But it was like seeing a ghost, as time passes, you start to wonder if it even happen. Like walking in to a really old haunted house, you see it empty because nobody lives there anymore, but you know something went down in this place. Deserted, abandoned, but still standing. As you walk on each and every step you find a piece so familiar it gives you flashbacks of what was. Then you start to ask yourself if you’re one of those loony mediums. Things keep rushing back in your mind, like silent movies starring you. Only then you realize you’ve been here and yet it makes you think, how could you have forgotten a lot about this, you stayed here, weren’t you happy here? Your mind flooded with questions. You picked up your pace trying to remember what happened here, what have you done or what haven’t you? Then you saw a room, in the room there’s a shelf, full of boxes. You open one box and there were loose leaves of paper that had something on it. You start reading, they were memories but incomplete. They seemed like clips of episodes because you can’t remember. One page leads to another and until you realize you needed to find this other room, but you glanced at the shelf, there’s one more box. But if you open that now, you can no longer go to the other room. So as you have read everything else, that was all you had. But you knew you were going to battle. You rested on the thought that this wasn’t the first you have fought, you are a general. So you armoured-up, equipped yourself with all the weapons you thought you needed. Have all the tactics you’re going to need for the battle.

All geared up, you go in. But when you looked around, it was not the battlefield you imagined. You then looked for the booby traps. Then you saw a soldier sitting on a chair, everything seemed so familiar. He is armoured up too but he was just sitting. As time went by, there were times he took his helmet off but would just put it back on, and you did the same. Little by little you put down your weapons until all the visible weapons are down.  He got out of the room, you followed him, everywhere he went, you followed because you were not giving up.  Sometimes you would lose sight of him but in the end track him down.  Sometime he throws some things you don’t really know what it’s about for you don’t remember everything. Tried and tested, you’re exhausted.  Sometimes you bust in a room with tears falling down nonstop but you understand this, tasks need to be done.  That was part of it.

One night, you felt comfortable enough to rest and sleep. Then you woke up the next morning in the other room with the shelf, with that last box beside you already open. You told yourself I’ll deal with that later but when you got up, you didn’t realize there was already one on your lap and was able to read some of it anyway. That’s when it all fell down, but you can’t just throw in the towel, that’s not you. You will see this battle through no matter what. You’re not a quitter, so you just had to suck it up. The box contained all of the reasons why you left this house for a very long time and burried its existence as deep as you can. But it made you ponder on things, that you started this so this shall be dealt with now.

So you went back to the other room. The soldier was still there, his helmet already off, the room seemed different, it made you question if it had always looked like that you just didn’t realize it. But no, you were sure. You decided to take this battle head on, and stripped yourself of all the weapons you had left, oh but a dagger.

Time went on, slowly you noticed changes from the house.  You see pilars and rooms torn down but the house was still standing.  Then you finally took out the dagger, put it down and said, “if revenge is what you’re after now is the perfect time to strike.” So then you wait after your words seem to echo across the entire house. The soldier comes out. All of a sudden, you hear the clock ticking, a clock you don’t even remember working. As you got distracted the soldier tried his strike, hit your arm. Just a dash but it bled. He was surprised, you didn’t run for cover. You just stood there pulled out a handkerchief and bandaged it up. Still standing you hear the clock again, ticking faster. You tried to walk up to the soldier and asked for forgiveness. Another hit, same spot, the wound got a little deeper but you wanted to see this battle through. All you can do is use your words for you have put all your weapons down. You don’t care if you’re bleeding because you got this. But then on that final blow, it got to you, the soldier stood up and walked out.

With the soldier gone, you hear something fall from a distance but it seemed loud because it echoed all around the house then you realize you’re all alone. But you have always loved solitude you love the solace it brings you. So with every strength you have left, you walked out of that house and finally slammed that door shut.  Just as you did that the house crumbled and was demolished right before your eyes.

You make your way back home and nurse yourself back to health. But with little strength you have left you went to the post office to reroute your mail for the mean time. Then you go back home and you make a little to-do list of milestones as you get back up. And surprisingly, you have been crushing it day after day. On the fourth day you were already laughing your ass off. Then on the fourteenth day, you went back to the post office and undo the re-routing of your mail. You left the post office so proud of yourself. Little did you know that night you would have the courage to stand outside the soldier’s house. And you were okay, though nothing much has changed. But you weren’t on the part yet that you could tell your 16-year-old self to let the soldier stay. Then the days that felt like weeks passed by and suddenly, as you were washing your face you saw that 16-year-old. She looks excited, and then you tell her, in an hour kid will be a start of a road you’ll have to endure for a very long time, I’m not going to sugarcoat it, it’s a dirt road and sometimes there’s not even a path, but along the way you will learn a lot, from life and about yourself. You got this, the lessons you get out of this will be rewarding I tell you. You will come out a stronger warrior than you already are. Then, you have smiled your proudest until today. You never imagined you were stronger than you thought you were. Each and every day you knock a milestone or out of your list.

Now you get up, out of bed, still with bandages but the wounds are healing faster. You look around, you see someone who told you she loves you all the time but seemed indifferent once the battle was over. You scuffed it off, people are like that sometimes. You walk around some more and you see two people one with tears in her eyes. The teary-eyed one said, “we’re okay, we’re fine, you’re gonna be fine.” You nod and say, “I am.” The other one said, “let’s just focus on the future now.” You smile and say, “I will”.

You get back to your walk and saw another person, she said, “it’s okay I’m here whenever you need me. Even if it’s 3am just call.” You learn about people, the ones who stay with you and the ones who just said they will. Let it go and cherish the ones who stayed. Then you went back to your room. An old man was there that’s when you broke to tears.  Falling on your cheeks one after the other, you grinned and manage to say, “this is why I can never say no in going to battles for You. You’ve given me a lot to come home to, after every battle I always nurse myself back to a hundred percent no matter how much I was beaten up, because not once have You ever left me. I may not be one of your best soldiers but I am always Yours.” He just nodded in agreement.

One morning you wake up, and everything’s back to where it was, the wounds are all closed up, no more bruises. It made you think about the whole thing. Looked back on every single lesson you can get out of it.

Another day, and you get up, take a shower, cook breakfast, had your favourite part of the day – coffee time. You got dressed, got all-dolled up, and you smile looking at yourself again. Then you notice something new. There was a door that’s open.  A door of a room you’ve never seen before.  You decide to go in, it was a very clean room. All white, like an unpainted canvass, like a loose leaf. Then you see a chair. You sat down and it just feels right, but as you were getting comfortable, you heard something, it sounded like paper. You check on the chair was a note:

Hey kid, you like it? This is for you.

Are you wondering who’s going to be knocking on that door?

Then you thought, is this going to be another battle? But you were not yet a full 100. You read on,

The story is not over yet.

Your curiosity gets to you, so you decided to sit tight, relax and enjoy.  You want to see this one through.  It’s not another battle but a challenge.  Challenge by choice, so you take your pick.

-juliet 20181203 1439

Hey Batter, Batter!

More often than not, life hits you with a curve ball, and when you just grab a bat and swing, you’ll be surprised with yourself sometimes.  But if you just stand there and let it hit you then all it does is hit you.  Some people would just dodge not realizing the exact same one will keep coming back.  Face it head on.  Because sometimes, you hit them out of the park and do a home run.  Yes, you’ll need to catch your breath, but then what if you have enough power to run, then it wouldn’t be as tiring.  Sometimes your uniform gets a lot of dirt but when you hear the crowds cheer and your team get that score, sometimes, those are the things you need to gladly brush the dust off of it.  Even if not all of the dust come off, when you do your laundry, you’d smile and remember that hit.  How you never thought you could do it but you came out swinging instead of cowering and just let it hit you.

But it’s not every time that you hit the ball, sometimes, it’s a miss.  And it all trickles down to you not getting that ball out of the park, you get a ball or a strike.  Then again, you don’t get only 3 strikes in life, the strikes are unlimited.  So even if you miss, at least you have tried and it’s fine.  Even if you have to teach yourself again how everything goes, you will get there.  Knowing full well you will definitely get better every time.

Some curve balls are there to remind you of your strength.  Sometimes we get caught up in fulfilling our basic needs, completing mundane to-do lists in our humdrum lives that we forget what we are built for, what we are made of.  Sometimes those curve balls we need, also to remind us of all the breakdowns we had, all the heart breaks we endured and the chipped pieces of us we have lost from past curve balls actually paid off.  Then you realize you’re still standing tall with those battle scars for a reason.  Never let a curve ball leave you bitter, never let it leave you cruel, even if it’s a miss.  You will get it next time, or the next, or the next.  Because sometimes, there are more lessons you can learn on a miss than a hit, you just have to know where to look.

 

-juliet 20181116 1632

Quod ultimo

I’m not mad
I’m just glad
I was brave
To face that there was nothing left to save
I was right
To go to the end of this fight
Challenge by choice
A task I could not avoid
As everything came to a holt
I won’t point fingers to who’s at fault
The final curtain call
The dead end that stopped it all
You’re not the same
You’ve forgotten my name
The battle is done
One of my toughest, bar none
I knew it was a win right from the start
Even if it ended with a broken heart
It’s then time to start from scratch
Leave no trace and pick up the trash
I may be wounded now
But I will be stronger, this I vow                                                                                For as long as you’re happy it’s fine                                                                            Though as you say, you have never been mine


juliet 20181030 1538

No More

It is always the first year that someone special has gone that’s the hardest.  You have to relive every single moment from the previous year but without them.  You have to teach yourself how each day, more so on important occasions, that you have to forget about them.  They say that the better memories hurt the most when it’s over.  You think you’re getting better because you try to tell yourself that everyday, that you’re doing great like some participation trophy.  But one uneventful day, you realize you no longer recognize the person staring back at you from the mirror, because you have lost the parts of yourself you love the most.  The parts that make you who you are.  Then you realize that the the best parts of yourself comes out when that someone was around.  The light bulbs slowly goes dimmer without you even noticing it.  All of a sudden you are looking at a totally different person, you’re not even sure you like.  Starting over is not just about letting go and moving on, it’s reintroducing yourself to the person that was changed by the pain you endured.  Showing yourself the ropes.  Eventually, you’ll get used to it but you’re a different version of yourself.  No notice, no false alarms, no drills, you’ve just changed.

 

-juliet 20181016 2039

Noir et Blanc

Count the rain and you might get close to how much tears I’ve shed
I was hanging on to the days I’m okay because they were better than the days I can’t get out of bed
Look at the stars and you might see the uneven holes you left in me
Bright as the moon when it’s full, dark as when it’s not
Like the memories I remembered and the ones I forgot
I used my pain to erase them all
But then again I’m starting to fall
Stop, wait a minute, I should stop
I don’t know how to undo this knot
What started as a harmless gesture
Became a grand obstacle course
Each beat feels like a there’s needle through my heart
But she’s smiling even from the start
She always had a mind of her own
Stubborn and strong, braver than I’ve ever known
I want the world to stop while I think
I can’t stand any longer, I feel like I’m about to sink
Drowning as I’ve always been when you’re around
As exagerrated as it sounds
But I’m starting to lose the will to try
I have never been a quitter but I believed I can fly
Though I’m running out of pixie dust
What else can I do but trust?
I’m sinking fast on this quick sand
But I’m not even trying to get out, all I’ve done is stand
Sinking fast I see you there
But it seems like all you’re doing is stare
Hand me a branch or anything to hold on to
Or maybe just stab me with it, why don’t you
It always seems like I’m the bad guy
But for some reason I’m back here I don’t know why
I just had to go down this rabbit hole
Like you have something of mine that you stole
I don’t want it back
But somehow I couldn’t keep track
I wish this was all a dream
So I could just wake up, as harsh as it may seem
I don’t understand
If you love me then take my hand
Maybe you were never really afraid to lose me
You made it look easy for you to set me free
But for as long as you’re okay
I guess I’ll be on my way
That was all I wanted to make sure of
I never really wanted this like I should’ve
Never was it really a no
The timing just always messed with the whole show
And we thought life couldn’t possibly screw with us even more
Whether it’s going to get worse, I’m not sure
And if I’d say I love you what would you say?
Would you say it back or stay away?
Why do I feel like it still fits?
Even though it seemed like I have been falling in this bottomless pit
Why do I feel like you’re the one?
If whatever we had or not is gone?
Why am I still doing this to myself?
Putting everything else on hold on the shelf?
I’m going to fight
With so little that I’ve got, with all my might
However this will start or end
I don’t have anything bad I intend
Whatever hits the fan I will let it
Whatever the answer maybe that’s the prize from all of this
There’s a lot for you to gain and lose if this goes south
Either way it’s a win for me, whether you’re in or out
Come tonight I wish to get the answer
Whether you’re in the book or just another chapter

 

-juliet 20181013 1138