Never

What’s stopping you from jumping off that platform?  What if you will just randomly cross the highway? What if it’s never going to get better?  What if it gets worse?  What if you’ve not done enough in your life?  What if you’ll always be inadequate?  What if no one will ever love you?  What if you’ll always feel this lonely?  What if you’ve wasted your time?  What if you’ll never be successful?  What if you’ll never get that place you’ve always wanted?  What if you’ll never get that dream life?  What if you’ll never get to your happy place?  What if you’re just stuck?  What if you’ll never wake up?  Will things be better?

It is almost time for me to level up and yes each and every day the challenge gets harder.  I suppose it is preparing me for the next level.  Should I be glad that it actually gets harder?  Would that mean that I actually am worthy of taking on whatever is on the next level?  That I actually am jumping levels instead of being stuck at level 20?

Sometimes you get tired and feel defeated without even going to battle.  Your mind exhausts you and you want the world to stop so badly but you can’t.  You know you should be grateful to open those eyes, but then there are days that you’d wish you could give it to someone else.  You wonder what is keeping you here.

For me, I don’t wish for a long life, I don’t find it necessary to get old.  I have been preparing and ready to go home, since I could remember.  There’s a song by Linkin Park, “Heavy”.  It goes, why is every thing so heavy. It’s one thing to understand what it means, it’s another to really fathom the meaning of the line.

Many times have I wanted to give up, but I always find myself in the battlefield the next day anyway.  I guess it’s the fighter in me that wakes me up in the morning, even if I don’t really want to get up.

I have always anchored on something that I read online, you’re still here not because of you but because someone needs you to be.  That maybe I may have some importance in this world.  Sometimes, they just don’t work anymore.  Sometimes you justo don’t want to be wherever you are.

Then you tell yourself, what if it gets better?  What if it won’t get worse?  What if you’ve done enough in your life?  What if you’ll be enough?  What if someone does love you?  What if you’ll not feel lonely anymore?  What if you’ve made progress over time?  What if you’ll be successful?  What if you’ll get that place you’ve always wanted?  What if you’ll get that dream life?  What if you’ll get to your happy place?  What if you’ll get out of this?  What if you’ll still wake up, and things get better?

-juliet 03202018 2014

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Maybe No

I was walking, really more like wandering.  I was walking toward a familiar place, but I wasn’t there.  As I got to the door, that music, those notes ringing to my ear, a song so familiar.  It was waiting for me, so I opened the door and there I was all in white.  Walking down all confused, a room full of people but I couldn’t seem to find the people who mean the world to me except for one.  When I got to the middle of the room I looked down, and saw a bunch of flowers, realized they were Asters, all along I have been thinking if this was it, why would it be this simple?  As I reached the end, there you were standing, I barely recognize this little world.  I couldn’t even smile, I was wondering so much where the people were.  All of a sudden, I then heard those words, “I pronounce you man and wife”.  Still with no smile but just a confused facial expression, I looked at everyone.  I saw people I know from the past, they all wished me well.  I was still so confused even holding your hand didn’t feel like it used to.  One of the people said, why aren’t you smiling?  Then I looked at you, you looked so happy and excited meanwhile you were holding the hand of a confused bride.

-juliet

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Going Nowhere

Why was it ever necessary for anybody to conform with society’s norms?  Sometimes it makes people feel inadequate, or at times unfit to be in this world.  Who ever decided on these norms for one to be considered normal?  It’s always on society’s standards, the society who has never accounted for its destruction.  Beautiful souls are punished and humiliated meanwhile, vanity is celebrated and embraced.  What a waste.

Even brave soldiers have their breaking point.  Even generals take their armors and medals off at night, and be mere mortals.  Doctors who are heroes to the people that they saved, come home feeling unwanted because of that one patient they couldn’t help.  Kings go to bed at night completely vulnerable.

But doesn’t it feel so wonderful, that moment in the morning, before you open your eyes, those very few seconds you don’t know who you are or what you’re supposed to do?  A little bit of happiness.  Happiness, isn’t everybody giving this word too much credit?  Everyone is trying to be just that, and stay just that, but what is it really?

People who have standards are being called proud, selfish, etc.  People who have low-no standards are being called sensitive, so in tuned with their emotions.  I know that generalization is not fair, because a lot of truly sensitive people have standards too and vise versa.  But sometimes, it’s the people who tag themselves with such adjectives to cover up flaws are the problem.

-juliet

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Simone’s Song

I’m listening to a song on loop right now, and I have always loved where this song takes me.  I remember the first time I heard it and my life was nowhere near together but it was this song that seem to have lifted the mood.  Simply because the lyrics pulled the right strings in my heart.  I don’t speak French but surprisingly, that particular line, did a number on me.

Fie-toi a l’amour c’est tout, means trust in love that’s all. 

Anybody who knows me, or ever knew me, knows I have trust issues.  I just can’t be, or do something without a string of questions, but then some things don’t come with answers.  Simply because you need to experience them, not answer them.  No logic whatsoever, no laws of gravity pulling it, nothing.  Things that are not black and white.

I have always believed in time travel.  Every time you open a book, it’s a ticket to where the story is.  Every time you play a song, it takes you to the last place you’ve heard it.  Nostalgia is a real thing, and has always been.

You might have noticed my thoughts are kind of scrambled, well, it’s because my mind right now is.  So whenever I’m overwhelmed, I listen to this particular song on loop, just because.  Another line that completes the scenario and brings it home:

It isn’t bad if you believe

Now that I don’t have to translate. I haven’t written in a while but when I’m stressed out this is my go to stress-reliever.  I have all kinds of songs depending how my day went.  Music has always been my rescuer, never fails, too.  When you lose and feel defeated, music is that hug you need to throw yourself to.  When you feel tired, music cradles you.

When I write, I used to have this concrete idea, of how it’ll go, procrastinate until I decide that I should write it.  As I get older, I don’t have the same process, or sometimes none at all.  Maybe it’s just tiring.

-juliet 02182018 1814

 

Something Happened

2018 has been so disrespectful, in a funny way of course.  I think this year is on a time crunch, it’s throwing away everything it can in my way and it’s just the beginning of the year. I don’t think it grasps the meaning of the word start.  It just went of like crazy. Now, with everything that has happened, it made me think about life.  How even at this day and age where people have done such an amazing job at screwing up all of God’s creation, life still gets to you.  So I have always been a plan-organize-and-execute-kind of person. I don’t go in to things I haven’t planned and prepared for yet.  My goals, whether long or short-term, I have it all in my head on how to get to it.  But then, it’s just so mundane.

2018 being in such a hurry to throw God knows what in my way, paved a new path. Showed me a new door, with an ad saying why not try this?  So then I decided, meh, why not.  But it just occurred to me that when I heard that click in the knob, something happened.

Your Thoughts on… 

With the year coming to a close,  things rush into your head like a review of a movie that came out this year,  starring you and everybody you’ve interacted with in supporting roles. What has been said; what you have done;  how you’ve reacted or how you should’ve,  could’ve or would’ve reacted and otherwise. Then you ask yourself,  what is an old soul’s business in this modern day?  A time when people are the most sensitive to other people’s feelings but not morals.  Well,  I don’t mean to forget about the rebels. A rebel without a cause, a phrase brought to life by some this day and age. 
Many times have people thought and even sure that the world will end,  pointing fingers on the four horsemen being among us,  walking among us.  Nobody knows but the Father the Bible says,  not even the Son.  But men’s arrogance went so far as calculating when it is. 
Indeed we have come to an age where having morals are being frowned upon by the majority.  Doing the right thing was never easy.  Empathy is as rare as common sense.  Feelings matter more than logic. I have always come back to that essay Paul Harvey wrote entitled,  If I were the devil, the essay has come to life if we try to look around the world today.  To summarize it,  it’s about the modern times,  and what it is today. 
I understand how people have been hesitant to talk about what they believe in, in terms of religion,  what their opinions are in terms of politics and their overall thoughts on everyday things to not offend. Like what our older generations love to point out,  as the idea of our dogs getting neutered creeped into one of our norms,  have we lost ours as well? 

These thoughts don’t come from a high horse or from someone who claims to have a moral high ground but I try.  The tone of these thoughts are rooted from disappointment because as the beings on top of the food chain, we ought to be better. 
-Juliet 12102017

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It’s Personal

I have always been a woman of faith.  Not often do I blast it on my writing but it definitely is there,  you just have to know where to look. I never announced whenever I pray nor to do tell anybody I do,  because and it’s not that I’m ashamed of it nor am I ashamed of my God,  I just believe we have our individual design of spiritual journey home. Whether we take our cross or walk away,  He tremendously respects and honors our free will. To me,  whatever our choice is,  much as I’d want better for everyone,  but in the end better to you might be different than mine. 

I don’t shout to the world what I do when I pray,  I don’t slap it in anyone’s faces how I praise. Many times have I been told,  you don’t strike me as you know—,  then I say,  the praying kind?  But don’t get me wrong I’m not selfish I preach when I get the opportunity,  far as I can go.  Then again not even God comes between free will. 

My faith has never been private,  it’s just personal.  I take care of my soul first,  best that I could.  We’ve been through unpleasant things,  we’ve done stuff that still humiliates us just thinking about it.  But I figured humiliation could bring out humility and it should. 

Sometimes profound silence could be stronger than the prayers we utter. This world often makes us forget how deceitful the adversary is and believe that when times change; when technology advances; values,  manners and faith should change along with it.  I beg to differ,  we should be intelligent enough not to make the same mistakes.  

-Juliet 05272017 1738

Have you ever felt like

The only option for you is to break

You’ve stood there long enough to just let go

You don’t even have the strength to breakdown 

Not even tears to cry

Can’t find the right words that’ll fill in those broken lines of your day

You’re in a reality that you keep wishing for it to be a dream and vise versa 

That it’s only going to get worse

You think life has numb you up enough not to feel

You still go on with it everyday and look back,  asking yourself how did you get there

Giving up and yet you tell yourself you’re not a quitter and yet again saying you’re a quitter that same hour

Sometimes when you take off that proverbial band aid and not even budge

That’s it but then,  life throws you a bone then you fool yourself into thinking oh,  it’s all better now.  Until you ask yourself again the title
-Juliet 05112017

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Digging Your Grave

As we all grow older, sometimes we forget what we always have in our hearts.  Me,  I have forgotten better yet maybe abandonned my first love, writing.  Writing has always been my passion,  my refuge at times and even my friend.  Funny how life seem short and yet we make our everyday almost the same as yesterday. We are truly content in just putting one foot after the other. Why not skip on the crosswalk,  or eat that whole bucket of ice cream without guilt. Breathe like the next will be your last.  Cry like the mermaids and laugh like there’s no tomorrow.  Easy to be all poetic in this beautiful world and age we live in but the truth is,  society left us fewer and fewer choices. Then a day comes,  we find ourselves, on a quiet afternoon with our thoughts and that loud silence,  empty.  We plan to get to our goals but lose ourselves in the process.  We’re drowning in the mundane rituals we call normal,  striving to keep our sanity and yet it’s damaging to our soul.  But when life calls our attention,  only then we realize how we’re on the road to becoming robots.  Everyday, from the moment we get up,  we begin to be who our modern selves truly are-slaves of time.  
-juliet 03282017

15:56

A Person

Problem. People, places, things, situations, relationships, goals and dreams. Problem with people today, they mistake tactlessness for brutal honesty, meanwhile tactful people are often their victims. The dumb ones often think they are smart and use terms they don’t even know about while the smart ones often doubt their own intelligence. Like what Einstein said, “two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the universe“. The lazy ones often find excuses to procrastinate or even to cancel a task. While the hardworkers more often than not find something to work on.

What’s hard is denial. If one keeps thinking one need not to change, then you not only deny improvement, you invite deterioration of maturity, thus growth stops. Whatever age group you’re in today, there’s a reason why you woke up healthy while other people in all walks of life are fighting for their lives or sighed their last breath.

Prove you’re worthy to breathe more than that little angel vomiting after chemo. Don’t waste your time living a day after another.

When the time comes, I’d want to go home, not anywhere else but home. So I don’t anchor on wordly things, for they are like me, temporary.  I save up on what’s waiting for me.

Juliet – 08252015 – 1359