It’s Just One of Those

Mornings that as soon as you open your eyes everything already seemed wrong

The kind that you know every hour is going to feel long

Those mornings that your mind says get up

The ones that you just want to lay there and want the time to stop

Days that you can’t wait to end

You put on the brightest smile just to blend

Nothing feels right

But you’re trying with all your might

Finally dusk, the day is almost over

When every single part of you feels weaker as the night gets closer

You feel proud to have done what you should

But even that didn’t change your mood

Those nights you get ready for bed

Then you lay there with thoughts in your head

You try to pray, you want to pray but only tears are coming out

Even though you want to shout

You let it all out, tears are prayers too, people say

You’re happy with your life but sometimes you are just not okay

Everything including this, too shall pass, I suppose

But you’re not okay, not tonight, because it’s just one of those

-juliet 20190121 2213

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Chasing Shadows

Years ago I met you, since then I got curious, so the chase began.  Every time I catch a glimpse of you I tend to follow you around, but you were never in my grasp, never within my reach.  Then one day, I found myself asking my reflection why were we going after you.  So I decided to stop, just to let it go.

Years ahead and I saw you again, just like that I was back on the chase without me knowing it.  This time it was different the room was a little crowded, but I was focused, I knew exactly where to look.  All of a sudden when the room was clearing up, as I thought this is going to be it, I saw someone else with you.  Then I found myself on the same mirror and decided to let it go.

Years have passed, there you were again, this time I told myself oh not this again.  I knew how it starts and ends.  But again, this time was different, you have seemed to miss the chase I guess, because I found you just standing still, not moving around like before.  You seemed down.  Then, what I would have run towards before happened, you reached out your hand.  But I walked away.  I never really knew what happened then.  I just let go.

Years later, I went back to where I left you.  You were still there, then the dance began again.  The same old music, the same people in the same room and more.  I finally got close, and closer only to find out that it was just your shadow.

Over the years I have realized that it wasn’t even you, I was just chasing shadows.

-juliet 20180711 2320

No Scientific Method

Each and everyday I’m reminded why I tried to stop feeling.  I was successful at it, too.  I won the people who really loved me for who I am, that’s the upside, when I stopped feeling.  The downside was, I lost someone really important.  After that, I spent the rest of my days telling myself that he was just a lesson.  He was not meant to stay anyway.  For years now actually.  I have read and believed that all of us have been handed individual tests in life.  Each test has a unique set of questions so you can’t really copy from your neighbour’s answers.  If you try to do that, that’s when you start asking yourself why are you not happy.  Answer the questions by yourself and how you’d want it; no pretense, no care about what people will say then you’ll be happy.  If not you’ll find yourself doing the same questions over and over.

Lately I’ve been thinking about that same question I have been getting for years.  Not that I’ve been avoiding it, it’s just that maybe I answered it wrong.  For so long this is the only one I have always seem to get wrong somehow, because for some reason, for years and years, it keeps coming up.  I’m actually excited because experiment time, is always good.  I’m going to nail this, and pass.

The plan for my experiment is good, but it kind of scares me, just thinking about it, well, my anxiety might be just acting up.  But it’s good, when something scares me, I get all determined but this might be a little different. Oh well.  Ever since I’ve read it, I have reminded myself about it, time and again that I’d rather live with a life of oh-wells than what-ifs.  So here we go.

-juliet 20180518 2331

emo, woman, doubts, feelings, past, hurt, emotion

Thoughts Of A Woman In Heels

 

Dear space,

I have always wanted to remember how it was to be at peace with myself. I do have some trust issues. This makes me questions every single thing existing around me.  I doubt every single detail in someone’s statement. I barely believe the things that I see.

It is not fun at all.

To have second thoughts on everything makes my mind too crowded, congested with thoughts that drown my emotions. While others say they have a hole within them, I seem to have this big boulder inside my chest – a heavy feeling that I could not understand.

I used to blame this on an experience. A black shadow that covered most of my happy thoughts, letting only the darker past visible to my memory. I used to blame this on things that I cannot see. I used to blame everything but I was always unsure.

Then I was told that I should come to my senses. They said this was just me. I have been overthinking about myself, about everything. No one wants to hurt me. No one wants to fool me. They said I am the one making this big of a misery to myself.

So how am I to end this?  I couldn’t just let it go. Should I just believe on the lies that I hear? Should I just get myself be fooled by all the bogus lingering around me? Should I just let myself be free of the doubts?

I have always wanted to remember how it was to be at peace with myself .I want to be at peace with myself.  How could I be at peace, if I myself don’t know what it means?

 

Thinking out loud,

 

MATILDA