If it Were True

If it were true, it would conquer death much more if it were just a fight.

If it were true, no matter how many times it hurts, you just heal from it.

If it were true, no matter the distance, you make not even a glance to anyone else.

If it were true, nothing will break you, it will only make you stronger.

If it were true, you would fight, throwing in the towel will never be an option.

If it were true, no matter how many times you try to leave, you always come back.

If it were true, no matter how much you try to forget, you just never could.

If it were true, no mountain is ever too high for you to climb.

If it were true, nothing is impossible to do.

If it were true, you could never breathe the same.

If it were true, you close your eyes but each slumber deems restless.

If it were true, there is no time limit to what you can do.

If it were true, you epitomize all those love songs.

If it were true, you would put to shame those romantic movies and shows.

If it were true no romance novelist could have conceived the moments you have encapsulated into tiny moving photographs.

If it were true you would never choose to walk away, for you know you can’t.

All of those who have loved know this, if it were true.

-juliet 20200611 1816

Secret Garden

Something came up and she found herself longing for her secret garden. She has always found solace there. She has never gone back since that day she got out, after she reopened the door she locked for years. Certain things came up that makes her want to go there for a time, to just sit and think for awhile. The door was broken, the light was flickering, so she went in. The room had nothing but a few scattered papers and empty boxes.  The room looks abandoned. She looked around the room and it looked like it died but she doesn’t want to revive it. After all, she’s done with the place.  She then proceeded to open the door to her secret Garden, it was still how it used to look. She smiled. So she walked on thinking about things in her reality, that took her back there. As she was walking, she never noticed how the vines in her path were tighter that it came to a point where she has to push it aside. That’s when she realized, whenever she goes there, her mind is so preoccupied that she never looked around. This time, she’s been to battle, her strength is unlike before, her mind was sharper. She looked around, she looked back and forth. Her secret garden, it wasn’t a garden. She was astonished and questions flooded her mind.

Was it always like this and I just didn’t have the strength to see it how it really was?  I painted it differently to somehow make it nice? Or did I use it only to make myself feel better for my reality?
My fortress, my garden, is not what seems. 

She always thought she went there to seek comfort, little did she know that every time she goes there she’s just going into the woods. Now she sees how she has always bounced back and regained strength after the fact. To sharpen her senses and smooth her edges. She is a warrior after all. Warriors don’t stop they just rest and this warrior thought she was resting, all along she was sharpening her tools, training to be battle-ready when she snaps back to reality.  It was not a garden for solitude, it was a training ground. She proceeds to abandoning the place, shaking her head.

The door to the woods she left open but the one leading out of the room was broken so she just went out. She stood in front of it, seeing the woods from where she looked. She thought, there was nothing left anymore. The light was still flickering, it gave her an idea. She went back out to the woods, took a bunch of twigs and branches put them in the room. She gathered the papers, the boxes, and everything that’s left of it,  then she saw an old lamp with a little gas in it. She then burned them all. She then walked out of there.
She thought she needed somewhere for solace but she knows her strength now. She no longer wants, much less need, all of it. She is grateful for the lessons it gave her but she’s done with it.

She understood that, because she only locked it before, kept everything in there, so she had to go back to tie loose ends and that, she did. Walked away wounded and torn, but she was never the same when she healed and she loves every minute of it. It was liberating to her, she felt like she can do anything, survive anything after that.  She was no longer wondering, there were no more questions left to ask, she got her answers. She was always good at acceptance, no matter the outcome, for as long as it’s the truth, she’s fine with it.  Never did she ever want to be comforted with a lie, she found no use for it. 

She never wished for anything bad on anyone, much more the people she once cared for,  and the ones that she still cares for. Whenever she walks away from a relationship, it’s always because she feels she’s no longer valued, or it’s not healthy for her to stay anymore. She just got rid of a weakness the enemy can easily use against her, and that just made her stronger. Now that everything has cleared up, the dust has settled, the room was empty, there was nothing left to save, there hasn’t always been. She was just taking a little time to face it once again and burn it all down. She thought it is time to make room anyway. At least all of that is over and done with, the book is closed, the doors on the other hand have not been slammed shut because they have burned.

Time passed and she went back there, not because she misses it, but as a checkpoint for her, as she moves along. She went down there with a flashlight because she figured it would be dark. When she got down, it was pitch black dark, so she turned her flashlight on, and saw nothing but ashes. Nobody was there but her, like it has always been. As she moved the light around, she heard echoes of conversations in her head. She then told herself, everything stays here, everything looks how they should, dust. Everything returned to dust.

She accepted every single thing that the room and the forest gave her through the years. She accepted that sometimes things make a turn instead of turning out to be how she wants it. She never thought she would ever get rid of the room, especially the garden. She thought she would always end up going back there, no matter how much it puts her through, no matter what it hits her with, she would always go back.  She always thought, no matter what, in the end, she can always find her home or it finds her.  But then again she knows when she’s overstayed her welcome.  It’s different now, she already had her peace with letting it all go and reduce everything to nothing.

She never knew, a day would come, that she will no longer care for it. No longer does it matter to her. No longer does she love it, like she used to.  She never thought, she would find another that makes her smile.  Then it hit her, that it all ended when she started asking questions. Everything reached its finality when she got her answers.  Everything is inexistent.  That’s how she loves dawn, for not only does it open a new day, but it pulls up hope from that sunrise she always found magnificent.

She realized then all she had to do was accept what it always was, what it always has been. She was never welcome in that room to stay, she was only a visitor.  That may be the reason why she always felt the need to leave, it never gave her a reason to stay, it never asked her to.  It never called out to her, she was always the one who went down there. It never sought her out, she was always the one to go to it. She knows she should have known then, but the world kept her preoccupied enough for her not to notice. She was always comforted by what she thought was her secret garden, but in reality she was embraced by hooks and thorns, she always had been, she was just blinded. She was unnecessarily kind to them, but every time she left, she became the villain. Never did she walk out without a scratch or a bruise. She wondered because she was never there to destroy it, but the darkness of that place was too much for her to bear and it was not for hers to bear. All it ever did was hurt her, but like any illusion, once she’s healed she went back. And it’s finally over. She realized how she gave it too much credit than it deserves. She was never welcome there, she was never the one that was meant to stay there forever. It was a part of her, and it’s over.

She started walking away from it and she felt lighter and she was smiling. If the ashes rise up to where she is, she wouldn’t mind, after all, it gave her a lot when it was still with her. Despite what life has put her through, it never made her cruel. Though it was all worthwhile, she knows that oftentimes, things, places, characters or chapters in her life have reached their ending.

Endings as they say are beginnings too, I’m paraphrasing of course.  But the dawn broke when she came up.  She looked at the sky and thought, hmmm, that’s where she had always looked when she was happy or sad.  She thought, she could get used to this, staring at the blue sky.  A refreshing change from the wood colour of the trees from that forest.  She has always looked up at that big blue, and sometimes he smiles like the sun shining.  Although she saw the sky from time to time when she came up during the battle, but she was so focused on the battle plan, she didn’t even notice.  

-juliet 20200129 1639

It’s Just One of Those

Mornings that as soon as you open your eyes everything already seemed wrong

The kind that you know every hour is going to feel long

Those mornings that your mind says get up

The ones that you just want to lay there and want the time to stop

Days that you can’t wait to end

You put on the brightest smile just to blend

Nothing feels right

But you’re trying with all your might

Finally dusk, the day is almost over

When every single part of you feels weaker as the night gets closer

You feel proud to have done what you should

But even that didn’t change your mood

Those nights you get ready for bed

Then you lay there with thoughts in your head

You try to pray, you want to pray but only tears are coming out

Even though you want to shout

You let it all out, tears are prayers too, people say

You’re happy with your life but sometimes you are just not okay

Everything including this, too shall pass, I suppose

But you’re not okay, not tonight, because it’s just one of those

-juliet 20190121 2213

When it All Falls Down

I woke up. I woke up from a dream I had, for a while it seemed as though it was my reality. But no, it was all a dream. Now I’m awake, back to the reality I left when I closed my eyes. All of a sudden I hear horns, I hear cars and my tires are slipping on the road. Oh it’s winter. But it was only fall when I went into my slumber. Strange. I’m back to where I was last winter but a lot has happened. Everything went back in place.

But it was like seeing a ghost, as time passes, you start to wonder if it even happened. Like walking into a really old haunted house, you see it empty because nobody lives there anymore, but you know something went down in this place. Deserted, abandoned, but still standing. As you walk on each and every step you find a piece so familiar it gives you flashbacks of what was. Then you start to ask yourself if you’re one of those loony mediums. Things keep rushing back in your mind, like silent movies starring:you. Only then you realize you’ve been here and yet it makes you think, how could you have forgotten a lot about this, you stayed here, weren’t you happy here? Your mind flooded with questions. You picked up your pace trying to remember what happened here, what have you done or what haven’t you? Then you saw a room, in the room there’s a shelf, full of boxes. You open one box and there were loose leaves of paper that had something on it. You start reading, they were memories but incomplete. They seemed like clips of episodes because you can’t remember. One page leads to another and until you realize you needed to find this other room, but you glanced at the shelf, there’s one more box. But if you open that now, you can no longer go to the other room. So as you have read everything else, that was all you had. But you knew you were going to battle. You rested on the thought that this wasn’t the first you have fought, you are a general. So you armoured-up, equipped yourself with all the weapons you thought you needed. Have all the tactics you’re going to need for the battle.

All geared up, you go in. But when you looked around, it was not the battlefield you imagined. You then looked for the booby traps. Then you saw a soldier sitting on a chair, everything seemed so familiar. He is armoured up too but he was just sitting. As time went by, there were times he took his helmet off but would just put it back on, and you did the same. Little by little you put down your weapons until all the visible weapons are down. He got out of the room, you followed him, everywhere he went, you followed because you were not giving up. Sometimes you would lose sight of him but in the end track him down. Sometimes he throws some things you don’t really know what it’s about, for you don’t remember everything. Tried and tested, you’re exhausted. Sometimes you bust in a room with tears falling down nonstop but you understand this, tasks need to be done. That was part of it.

One night, you felt comfortable enough to rest and sleep. Then you woke up the next morning in the other room with the shelf, with that last box beside you already open. You told yourself I’ll deal with that later but when you got up, you didn’t realize there was already one on your lap and was able to read some of it anyway. That’s when it all falls down, but you can’t just throw in the towel, that’s not you. You will see this battle through no matter what. You’re not a quitter, so you just had to suck it up. The box contained all of the reasons why you left this house for a very long time and burried its existence as deep as you can. But it made you ponder on things, that you started this so this shall be dealt with now.

So you went back to the other room. The soldier was still there, his helmet already off, the room seemed different, it made you question if it had always looked like that you just didn’t realize it. But no, you were sure. You decided to take this battle head on, and stripped yourself of all the weapons you had left, oh but a dagger.

Time went on, slowly you noticed changes from the house. You see pilars and rooms torn down but the house was still standing. Then you finally took out the dagger, put it down and said, “if revenge is what you’re after now is the perfect time to strike.” So then you wait after your words seem to echo across the entire house. The soldier comes out. All of a sudden, you hear the clock ticking, a clock you don’t even remember working. As you got distracted the soldier tried his strike, hit your arm. Just a dash but it bled. He was surprised, you didn’t run for cover. You just stood there pulled out a handkerchief and bandaged it up. Still standing you hear the clock again, ticking faster. You tried to walk up to the soldier and asked for forgiveness. Another hit, same spot, the wound got a little deeper but you wanted to see this battle through. All you can do is use your words for you have put all your weapons down. You don’t care if you’re bleeding because you got this. But then on that final blow, it got to you, the soldier stood up and walked out.

With the soldier gone, you hear something fall from a distance but it seemed loud because it echoed all around the house then you realize you’re all alone. But you have always loved solitude you love the solace it brings you. So with every strength you have left, you walked out of that house and finally slammed that door shut. Just as you did that the house crumbled and was demolished right before your eyes.

You make your way back home and nurse yourself back to health. But with little strength you have left you went to the post office to reroute your mail for the mean time. Then you go back home and you make a little to-do list of milestones as you get back up. And surprisingly, you have been crushing it day after day. On the fourth day you were already laughing your ass off. Then on the fourteenth day, you went back to the post office and undo the re-routing of your mail. You left the post office so proud of yourself. Little did you know that night you would have the courage to stand outside the soldier’s house. And you were okay, though nothing much has changed. But you weren’t on the part yet that you could tell your 16-year-old self to let the soldier stay. Then the days that felt like weeks passed by and suddenly, as you were washing your face you saw that 16-year-old. She looks excited, and then you tell her, in an hour kid will be a start of a road you’ll have to endure for a very long time, I’m not going to sugarcoat it, it’s a dirt road and sometimes there’s not even a path, but along the way you will learn a lot, from life and about yourself. You got this, the lessons you get out of this will be rewarding I tell you. You will come out a stronger warrior than you already are. Then, you have smiled your proudest until today. You never imagined you were stronger than you thought you were. Each and every day you knock a milestone or two out of your list.

Now you get up, out of bed, still with bandages but the wounds are healing faster. You look around, you see someone who told you she loves you all the time but seemed indifferent once the battle was over. You scuffed it off, people are like that sometimes. You walk around some more and you see two people one with tears in her eyes. The teary-eyed one said, “we’re okay, we’re fine, you’re gonna be fine.” You nod and say, “I am.” The other one said, “let’s just focus on the future now.” You smile and say, “I will”.

You get back to your walk and saw another person, she said, “it’s okay I’m here whenever you need me. Even if it’s 3am just call.” You learn about people, the ones who stay with you and the ones who just said they will. Let it go and cherish the ones who stayed. Then you went back to your room. An old man was there that’s when you broke to tears. Falling on your cheeks one after the other, you grinned and manage to say, “this is why I can never say no in going to battles for You. You’ve given me a lot to come home to, after every battle I always nurse myself back to a hundred percent no matter how much I was beaten up, because not once have You ever left me. I may not be one of your best soldiers but I am always Yours.” He just nodded in agreement.

One morning you wake up, and everything’s back to where it was, the wounds are all closed up, no more bruises. It made you think about the whole thing. Looked back on every single lesson you can get out of it.

Another day, and you get up, take a shower, cook breakfast, had your favourite part of the day – coffee time. You got dressed, got all-dolled up, and you smile looking at yourself again. Then you notice something new. There was a door that’s open. A door of a room you’ve never seen before. You decide to go in, it was a very clean room. All white, like an unpainted canvass, like a loose leaf. Then you see a chair. You sat down and it just feels right, but as you were getting comfortable, you heard something, it sounded like paper. You check on the chair was a note:

Hey kid, you like it? This is for you.

Are you wondering who’s going to be knocking on that door?

Then you thought, is this going to be another battle? But you were not yet a full 100. You read on,

The story is not over yet.

Your curiosity gets to you, so you decided to sit tight, relax and enjoy. You want to see this one through. It’s not another battle but a challenge. Challenge by choice, so you take your pick.

-juliet 20181203 1439

Noir et Blanc

Count the rain and you might get close to how much tears I’ve shed
I was hanging on to the days I’m okay because they were better than the days I can’t get out of bed
Look at the stars and you might see the uneven holes you left in me
Bright as the moon when it’s full, dark as when it’s not
Like the memories I remembered and the ones I forgot
I used my pain to erase them all
But then again I’m starting to fall
Stop, wait a minute, I should stop
I don’t know how to undo this knot
What started as a harmless gesture
Became a grand obstacle course
Each beat feels like a there’s needle through my heart
But she’s smiling even from the start
She always had a mind of her own
Stubborn and strong, braver than I’ve ever known
I want the world to stop while I think
I can’t stand any longer, I feel like I’m about to sink
Drowning as I’ve always been when you’re around
As exagerrated as it sounds
But I’m starting to lose the will to try
I have never been a quitter but I believed I can fly
Though I’m running out of pixie dust
What else can I do but trust?
I’m sinking fast on this quick sand
But I’m not even trying to get out, all I’ve done is stand
Sinking fast I see you there
But it seems like all you’re doing is stare
Hand me a branch or anything to hold on to
Or maybe just stab me with it, why don’t you
It always seems like I’m the bad guy
But for some reason I’m back here I don’t know why
I just had to go down this rabbit hole
Like you have something of mine that you stole
I don’t want it back
But somehow I couldn’t keep track
I wish this was all a dream
So I could just wake up, as harsh as it may seem
I don’t understand
If you love me then take my hand
Maybe you were never really afraid to lose me
You made it look easy for you to set me free
But for as long as you’re okay
I guess I’ll be on my way
That was all I wanted to make sure of
I never really wanted this like I should’ve
Never was it really a no
The timing just always messed with the whole show
And we thought life couldn’t possibly screw with us even more
Whether it’s going to get worse, I’m not sure
And if I’d say I love you what would you say?
Would you say it back or stay away?
Why do I feel like it still fits?
Even though it seemed like I have been falling in this bottomless pit
Why do I feel like you’re the one?
If whatever we had or not is gone?
Why am I still doing this to myself?
Putting everything else on hold on the shelf?
I’m going to fight
With so little that I’ve got, with all my might
However this will start or end
I don’t have anything bad I intend
Whatever hits the fan I will let it
Whatever the answer maybe that’s the prize from all of this
There’s a lot for you to gain and lose if this goes south
Either way it’s a win for me, whether you’re in or out
Come tonight I wish to get the answer
Whether you’re in the book or just another chapter

 

-juliet 20181013 1138

Fast Forward to…

All of a sudden it all makes sense

From a storm that seemed so intense

The moment has come that the dust settles

For a time that seemed too little

You’ve survived, you’re okay

When you spent such a long time looking away

Finally all is said and done

A new dawn has begun

You see it now

All the whys and hows

It all worked out for the best

Like you hoped for, like you dreamed of as the outcome of your test

It is everything you’ve ever hoped for and more

You feel as if you’re done opening doors

Because that one door is staying open

Your favourite place that listens

No more questions everything is clear

You got the words you’ve been meaning to hear

Nobody else could take that smile away

For you’re looking at the one who draws it until the end of your days

-juliet 20181002 2126

Don’t Be Late

Say I love you when you’re not listening

My favourite line from a song Distance by Christina Perri and Jason Mraz.  When someone occupies your mind so much it hurts, you eventually get yourself together and stop.  When someone breaks your heart, all you need is time for it to heal.  When someone injures your soul, that’s a deeper cut, you might heal but you’re also guaranteed a scar.  When someone causes a dent to your spirit, it doesn’t leave a mark because everything else shatters.  You have to rebuild from bottom to the top.

In a lifetime, every decade, you ask a big question.  Every year, you make a big change that you end up surrendering back to habit.  Every month, you wish life will be kind enough for you to get through it.  Every week, you plan out things you have to get done.  Everyday, you survive.  Or at least try to.

-juliet 20180713 1207

Chasing Shadows

Years ago I met you, since then I got curious, so the chase began.  Every time I catch a glimpse of you I tend to follow you around, but you were never in my grasp, never within my reach.  Then one day, I found myself asking my reflection why were we going after you.  So I decided to stop, just to let it go.

Years ahead and I saw you again, just like that I was back on the chase without me knowing it.  This time it was different the room was a little crowded, but I was focused, I knew exactly where to look.  All of a sudden when the room was clearing up, as I thought this is going to be it, I saw someone else with you.  Then I found myself on the same mirror and decided to let it go.

Years have passed, there you were again, this time I told myself oh not this again.  I knew how it starts and ends.  But again, this time was different, you have seemed to miss the chase I guess, because I found you just standing still, not moving around like before.  You seemed down.  Then, what I would have run towards before happened, you reached out your hand.  But I walked away.  I never really knew what happened then.  I just let go.

Years later, I went back to where I left you.  You were still there, then the dance began again.  The same old music, the same people in the same room and more.  I finally got close, and closer only to find out that it was just your shadow.

Over the years I have realized that it wasn’t even you, I was just chasing shadows.

-juliet 20180711 2320

No Scientific Method

Each and everyday I’m reminded why I tried to stop feeling.  I was successful at it, too.  I won the people who really loved me for who I am, that’s the upside, when I stopped feeling.  The downside was, I lost someone really important.  After that, I spent the rest of my days telling myself that he was just a lesson.  He was not meant to stay anyway.  For years now actually.  I have read and believed that all of us have been handed individual tests in life.  Each test has a unique set of questions so you can’t really copy from your neighbour’s answers.  If you try to do that, that’s when you start asking yourself why are you not happy.  Answer the questions by yourself and how you’d want it; no pretense, no care about what people will say then you’ll be happy.  If not you’ll find yourself doing the same questions over and over.

Lately I’ve been thinking about that same question I have been getting for years.  Not that I’ve been avoiding it, it’s just that maybe I answered it wrong.  For so long this is the only one I have always seem to get wrong somehow, because for some reason, for years and years, it keeps coming up.  I’m actually excited because experiment time, is always good.  I’m going to nail this, and pass.

The plan for my experiment is good, but it kind of scares me, just thinking about it, well, my anxiety might be just acting up.  But it’s good, when something scares me, I get all determined but this might be a little different. Oh well.  Ever since I’ve read it, I have reminded myself about it, time and again that I’d rather live with a life of oh-wells than what-ifs.  So here we go.

-juliet 20180518 2331

1 2 3

Again and again I find myself at a starting point, well, more of like a checkpoint, like the ones on games.  After the first 4 months of the year, 2018 continues to poke around my life.  It has always amazed me what my day comes up with every single time.  The world has always been my playground. Never my empty canvass for I can’t draw, rather a blank sheet of paper.  Blue sky with chunky white clouds that I’ve always seen in shapes of everyday life and not just a ball of white smoke.  Someone once said, it takes a special kind of eyes.

I have always and always come home to writing, whether typed on a blog, written on a scrap, on a napkin, on someone else’s notebook.  I have always loved the feeling of how paper accommodates my words.  I’m always going to be an old soul, will always believe chivalry shouldn’t die with time.  Yet again people are less concerned with the kind of people they leave and more focused on what society expects out of them.  I have never been of this world, and thus people have frowned, smirked or even spat at the decisions I have made in my life.  It was never about what the world tells me, for I am not his but His.  I have always made my decision according to what I have been given.  I have never looked at my neighbour’s life and wished it was mine.  I have never learned of a friend’s triumph and rained on their parade.  I have always known, I’m of a different kind.  My test questions are different from others, why should I answer them how the world dictates me to.

Many times have I tried to experiment, on people’s responses.  Sometimes I say things, just to see how people would react and get the real answers I need.  I have always had my way with words.  That’s the sole reason why I always give people chances, because I know what kind of tongue I possess.

I know myself better than anyone else, that’s why I never accord my decisions to the world.  This world ran me over multiple times but I just got back up.  I have always loved the solace I have in my life.  I have read that solitude is actually dangerous, because once you’ve experienced it, you would hesitate to let the world in.

Now, I’m starting from scratch, like I haven’t met the people I have, like it’s  December again.  Like I haven’t received a message on my birthday.  Like when my world was peaceful.  Just me, and the few people I love.  Today is my checkpoint.  Starting from scratch.

-juliet 05032018 1547