It’s Just One of Those

Mornings that as soon as you open your eyes everything already seemed wrong

The kind that you know every hour is going to feel long

Those mornings that your mind says get up

The ones that you just want to lay there and want the time to stop

Days that you can’t wait to end

You put on the brightest smile just to blend

Nothing feels right

But you’re trying with all your might

Finally dusk, the day is almost over

When every single part of you feels weaker as the night gets closer

You feel proud to have done what you should

But even that didn’t change your mood

Those nights you get ready for bed

Then you lay there with thoughts in your head

You try to pray, you want to pray but only tears are coming out

Even though you want to shout

You let it all out, tears are prayers too, people say

You’re happy with your life but sometimes you are just not okay

Everything including this, too shall pass, I suppose

But you’re not okay, not tonight, because it’s just one of those

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Chasing Shadows

Years ago I met you, since then I got curious, so the chase began.  Every time I catch a glimpse of you I tend to follow you around, but you were never in my grasp, never within my reach.  Then one day, I found myself asking my reflection why were we going after you.  So I decided to stop, just to let it go.

Years ahead and I saw you again, just like that I was back on the chase without me knowing it.  This time it was different the room was a little crowded, but I was focused, I knew exactly where to look.  All of a sudden when the room was clearing up, as I thought this is going to be it, I saw someone else with you.  Then I found myself on the same mirror and decided to let it go.

Years have passed, there you were again, this time I told myself oh not this again.  I knew how it starts and ends.  But again, this time was different, you have seemed to miss the chase I guess, because I found you just standing still, not moving around like before.  You seemed down.  Then, what I would have run towards before happened, you reached out your hand.  But I walked away.  I never really knew what happened then.  I just let go.

Years later, I went back to where I left you.  You were still there, then the dance began again.  The same old music, the same people in the same room and more.  I finally got close, and closer only to find out that it was just your shadow.

Over the years I have realized that it wasn’t even you, I was just chasing shadows.

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Again and again I find myself at a starting point, well, more of like a checkpoint, like the ones on games.  After the first 4 months of the year, 2018 continues to poke around my life.  It has always amazed me what my day comes up with every single time.  The world has always been my playground. Never my empty canvass for I can’t draw, rather a blank sheet of paper.  Blue sky with chunky white clouds that I’ve always seen in shapes of everyday life and not just a ball of white smoke.  Someone once said, it takes a special kind of eyes.

I have always and always come home to writing, whether typed on a blog, written on a scrap, on a napkin, on someone else’s notebook.  I have always loved the feeling of how paper accommodates my words.  I’m always going to be an old soul, will always believe chivalry shouldn’t die with time.  Yet again people are less concerned with the kind of people they leave and more focused on what society expects out of them.  I have never been of this world, and thus people have frowned, smirked or even spat at the decisions I have made in my life.  It was never about what the world tells me, for I am not his but His.  I have always made my decision according to what I have been given.  I have never looked at my neighbour’s life and wished it was mine.  I have never learned of a friend’s triumph and rained on their parade.  I have always known, I’m of a different kind.  My test questions are different from others, why should I answer them how the world dictates me to.

Many times have I tried to experiment, on people’s responses.  Sometimes I say things, just to see how people would react and get the real answers I need.  I have always had my way with words.  That’s the sole reason why I always give people chances, because I know what kind of tongue I possess.

I know myself better than anyone else, that’s why I never accord my decisions to the world.  This world ran me over multiple times but I just got back up.  I have always loved the solace I have in my life.  I have read that solitude is actually dangerous, because once you’ve experienced it, you would hesitate to let the world in.

Now, I’m starting from scratch, like I haven’t met the people I have, like it’s  December again.  Like I haven’t received a message on my birthday.  Like when my world was peaceful.  Just me, and the few people I love.  Today is my checkpoint.  Starting from scratch.

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emo, woman, doubts, feelings, past, hurt, emotion

Thoughts Of A Woman In Heels

 

Dear space,

I have always wanted to remember how it was to be at peace with myself. I do have some trust issues. This makes me questions every single thing existing around me.  I doubt every single detail in someone’s statement. I barely believe the things that I see.

It is not fun at all.

To have second thoughts on everything makes my mind too crowded, congested with thoughts that drown my emotions. While others say they have a hole within them, I seem to have this big boulder inside my chest – a heavy feeling that I could not understand.

I used to blame this on an experience. A black shadow that covered most of my happy thoughts, letting only the darker past visible to my memory. I used to blame this on things that I cannot see. I used to blame everything but I was always unsure.

Then I was told that I should come to my senses. They said this was just me. I have been overthinking about myself, about everything. No one wants to hurt me. No one wants to fool me. They said I am the one making this big of a misery to myself.

So how am I to end this?  I couldn’t just let it go. Should I just believe on the lies that I hear? Should I just get myself be fooled by all the bogus lingering around me? Should I just let myself be free of the doubts?

I have always wanted to remember how it was to be at peace with myself .I want to be at peace with myself.  How could I be at peace, if I myself don’t know what it means?

 

Thinking out loud,

 

MATILDA