Avista

She stares intently at this lady who bears this youthful, gorgeous face, as her reflection does the same. She ties her hair up, putting each and every strand aside to clear it out of her face. She reaches out for her brush, put on foundation to start. Shape up her eyebrows, painted her eyes to give them that boost that they never really need. She put on mascara on her lashes that need not to be thicker. She ever so gently put blush on her cheeks and stained her lips. She then powdered her face to finish. She then took her hair tie off and began curling her hair. Spritz hairspray of course or it wouldn’t stay like that. She smiled in admiration of what she has done. Magnificent. She put on her dress and jewels and went on.

She reserved a seat for him. All throughout the night, many have asked for the seat and her answer was always there’s someone sitting there. One time she stood up to check on him. She opened the door and their eyes met. She didn’t say anything because she thought the gesture was enough, and it should be. She went back to her seat, the people she was surrounded with had told her time and again maybe he’s not coming anymore, but she played deaf to those comments. But the guys that have asked for the seat has not stopped ever since she sat there. That’s why some people would say maybe give that guy a chance to sit and then she would respond with he might come and see that someone is already sitting and I don’t want him to think I’ve replaced him. She has gone numb to the shrugs and sighs of the people around her. But she was always like that, stern and stubborn. Though you need not tell her that she is or was wrong because when she realizes it, she holds herself accountable.

She finally decided to go in the back, opened the door and said what’s going on, I saved a seat for you. And he responded with, you should start looking for someone to sit on it because I can’t. She didn’t reply, she felt that was enough, she had enough. She ever so calmly shut the door, walked back to her seat with tears rolling down her cheeks like waterfalls. By every step she takes, her heart breaks ten times greater than when it shattered as she closed the door. But she remained headstrong despite being weakened by every move she makes. She wiped off the tears on her face, dusted off the seat and sat back down like a lady on the seat she reserved for so long for him. Looked each of her people in the eyes, still tears running down her face but with a straight face she says it’s over. One of them argued, but she was sure of it. She wept for as long as she thought she has to. She knows she will stand again. She thought about how to other men, it was the best seat in the house, but completely meant nothing to him. She should have seen it, she should have heeded her doubts from the very beginning. But she found no use crying over spilled milk. And why should she keep it for longer, based on a false hope, on a hypothetical, she is worth so much more than that. She doesn’t need to be told twice because that’s how she was raised, she could almost hear her mother, Once is enough for a wise man. So it was indeed, over.

Then came a time, she stood up and moved to her seat. She started to smile back at the gentlemen who cast their gaze on that seat. She found herself taking chances. She was waiving back on gentlemen who waives to her. She was back to her old self and better. She was busy talking with the people around her and little did she know, someone sat on the seat. She looked at him, and he looked back. He didn’t bother asking her or anything. She didn’t bother to talk. But her glances have always been enough for anyone who has encountered her. That just made her smile, the thought of this guy being so brazen to sit there, but he just looked at her. Not a smile, not even a smirk, just eyes forward. She could kick him out but, she’s curious like that. She wants to see where this is going and how everything will unfold.

Then it made her think, this could be that light in the horizon. She doesn’t know if it will lead to a great sunrise or it’s just a breadcrumb, but it excites her. That’s when it hit her that the thought of him was a strange distant memory that was once in her reality. Then she knew she was back. But this time, she’s wiser, calmer and more collected. A change of scenery right in front of her.

-juliet 20191113 1414

All That I Need

Maybe I’ll write about what you’ve lost
It’s everything I’ve got
I wonder if it’s worth my time
To even think of a line

Nothing was there for me to gain
All it caused was pain
Though it lifted something up
And it was so much more than I thought

Knock on my door
I shall open it but not like before
Not with hate, not with love
But indifference from the moment I turn the knob

Tell me about you
And I’ll respond like any stranger would
Ask me questions, I’ll be glad to answer them
It doesn’t matter why or when

No time will be wasted as soon as you leave
The peace I have is all that I need
I was born wanted and loved
The generation I was born with, that is rare to have

I know what it looks like, how it feels like
Anything less than that is not worth the hike
I forgave myself for being stubborn
I apologized because it took me so long

What I know now is that it has passed
My reality is getting better and it’s not that bad
Wherever life may lead
The peace I gained is all that I need

-juliet 20191024 1510

I Don’t Need Sprinkles All the Time

Funny how things seem when you look back. You know that you haven’t gone that far basing on how much time has passed but a lot has changed. You need a restart after all. What better way to do it than to go back to where your starting point have always been. Not ever forgetting the very first brick you placed as you work your way through. Now you can somehow see yourself more than half-way back to where you were.

I woke up one morning, to an answer I have been waiting for, and all of a sudden it was over. And yet, little did I know it was a chance for a new beginning. After tying up loose ends and burying hatchets. It was for me to realize how much I can carry without faltering. With everything that has happened I can’t help but be excited for the future and what’s to come.

I knew that very moment, I was going to be back a hundred percent. I forgave myself whenever I have one of those days. I was asked why I didn’t even try to fight for it, why I had no reply, nothing. And I said, in my head it was just like me going there saying what I came there for, got a response, then I walked away. I have never felt the need to fill something in me because I was blessed enough to be complete by myself. So with the response that I got, I was fine with it and told myself that it was my cue to exit.

To me there was never a need to fight for anything if it really is for you. I mean some things in life are not really essential if you think about it, it may add something to it, like sprinkles on a cupcake. A cupcake is still a cupcake with or without sprinkles on them. So if you ask me why I didn’t do anything about what I got? Because I don’t really need sprinkles all the time.

-juliet 20191001 1551

This is My Layover

I haven’t had the pleasure of keying in anything since I got home. Now that I have some time to kill, I thought of jotting down some thoughts that have been lingering my mind for the past few days. Whether it’s because of the jet lag or whatever but it has not left me yet, so. So far, in this year, half-way in nothing has gone my way. And I have followed through my resolution to go with whatever is thrown my way.

I thought for a few days before the flight while packing up, what was this trip for, Lord knows I need these 2 months to accomplish a lot of things. I then came up with, maybe it’s a much needed break to recharge my strength for the remaining months. Maybe it’s for me to stop and smell the roses. Maybe it’s for me to remember my world before my reality now. Maybe it’s to remind myself of who I am. But after hours up in the air, as I looked at my ticket for the next flight, I checked my layover and it dawned on me, this is my layover. Life is taking me somewhere and this is my layover. Like any long-haul flight, the destination is worth the travel, the uncomfortable seats and the tight washroom space. It doesn’t matter the people you encounter on the plane, it doesn’t matter who you’re with, what matters is who you’re getting to. The people waiting for you are the ones who choose you, those who want to see how you are because they really want to know how life is treating you.

Sometimes layovers are memorable too but it’s only what it is, a layover. After all the dashes in life are what matters most. I’m on a long-haul flight to a great destination, or at least to somewhere I love.

-juliet 1835 (Phil.Std Time) 20190715

This Is My Stop

I was walking on a dirt road and finally a bus. I looked back one last time on the shattered pieces of that haunted house I just battled in and then a last glance at the one I recovered in. I was on my way. I stepped on the bus and picked a seat. Then it began. As I looked out the window, I would see beautiful scenery but my mind was still in that dark old house. My thoughts were still all about the battle, the recovery and everything else in between. All that has happened kept playing in my head. I would fall asleep as I tire myself from thinking and feeling. Then a stop request, someone was getting off. I looked out the window, I saw the soldier looking at me. I thought maybe it was a mistake. Then again on the next stop. Then I wondered, I was on my way, the battle was over he already won, what was he doing. It happened more times than I thought. But I was tired. I thought that battle concluded everything. Brought things to finality. So the bus went on, we crossed to another province. I never saw the soldier again. I saw some familiar faces get on and off the bus and as time went on things slowly went back to normal. I was feeling great and excited to see what is ahead. Confused with where this bus is taking me really, but I embrace the challenges of unplanned days ahead.

When I entered that old house, I was armed and able, a general I pride myself as, but when I walked out I realized I am just another foot soldier, no matter the stars, no matter the stripes. I am not in charge of the plan, my mission is to play my part for a bigger purpose.

I saw an old notebook that had grocery lists written in the pages. Then I flipped and flipped hoping for a blank one, well half of the notebook was. I could not find a pen. I tried to borrow one but they were also using it or they do not have one. So I thought maybe at the next long stop I would be able to get one. Bus went on. Then that next stop came. I saw a convenience store, and I chuckled to myself thinking, how convenient. As I was about to go in, I saw a man walking out with a pen on his hand, he hopped on his car and left. I was delighted because then I knew they sold pens. As soon as I walked in the store, my heart sank when I saw the lady drop the empty box of pens. Then I saw these numbers on the box. I tried my luck and asked the lady anyway if she had any more, and then she said the guy bought the last one. I thought to myself I cannot believe I just saw the very last pen leave. I glanced at the clock, I saw those numbers again. I just said thanks then I left the store.

Went back on the bus, still with no pen, I tried to look under my seat and saw the bus number which were the same ones as the box and time. I started to read the grocery list, and from time and again I would come across those numbers. I just closed the notebook, put it in my pocket and looked out the window. at the next stop, there was someone who came in and for some reason, I was drawn to his boots as he came in and I saw what I thought was a pen. I got excited and before the driver drove off, I picked it up and sat back down. Then I immediately tried to see if it worked, I realized it was a mechanical pencil. There was no lead in it. I was a little bit frustrated and then I looked at the pencil and saw those numbers again. I then tried to rack my brain of what it meant, it had to mean something for me to be seeing it as I was looking for a pen. And suddenly, I remembered, I gave my pen to my Commander-in-chief. As I was looking for a new one in an attempt to plan out what I was to do next or where I would go. I no longer have it, or would I want it back, I am in complete submission to whatever He will write and how He will write the rest of my story.

I dozed off unintentionally, I dreamt of the soldier. I woke up a mess. I pondered why do I feel like this, I have been alright post-war so far. So I told myself that maybe there are just going to be days like these, where I am simply not okay. But then I thought I want to do something about this and stop everything. I started to think all of it over. I have always ended up hurting every time and what can I do to make this stop. I have to decide. I saw a stop sign. That is when I figured it out, I will just stop. I will stop hurting, I will stop thinking, I will just stop. Stop thinking with the hypotheticals, stop with what could have been and concentrate on what is to make way to what will be. So I put everything that happened on a time line and came up with a reality out of it. Some things may not have made sense but I thought it may have not for now, but maybe someday I will see. I sorted things out and saw how it all happened, once I had a grasp of the reality I was presented with in the process, I knew what I had to do, accept it. Hard as it was for I was playing tug of war with my stubborn heart, but I had to be firm about it. She has to see that it is for her own good. Once I had everything set, I felt good.

I finally pressed the stop request. After all, the biggest losses in our lives give us the best lessons, provide us with brilliant wisdom to carry forward. I may have lost that one but my story is not over. I waited and when the bus stopped, I left the notebook, the pencil with no lead, I left everything, and got off the bus. Took a deep breath as the bus drove off, I remembered that I had baggages with me when I got on the bus, and that is when I realized I really did leave everything. I was not meant to take them with me, I am at peace. I looked to my right and saw the bus stop sign. Then I thought This is my stop.

-juliet 20190403 1448

Luna

When days are tough that all you can do is write. And write everything that you can with anything you have left. When days are unbearable that all you can do is play a tune. And you play as instensely as you can with the pieces that’s left of your broken soul. When days are showered with stones thrown at you, filled with all of life’s atrocities. And you stop. You just close your eyes, breathe in with all your might and breathe out all of your frustrations hoping for the burden to get lighter. But it doesn’t.

When you no longer pay attention to the moon because you know very well there will come a time it will leave. But it does, you think of it, that maybe you should have given it even just a gaze that it deserves, for it might have always left but it does come back. At least you know from the get-go how it is, never will it leave you doubting because it always comes back. Maybe it left because it got right in between 2 things that matters to it the most, enough for it to be torn apart. Maybe it was never really because it wants to leave but what it has on its hand is far greater than it can bear. But you never really loved it enough to find out. You just immediately thought the worst of the moon. Because you know what it’s capable of. But hasn’t it ever occured to you that maybe, it’s as unstable as the tides when there’s a storm because you never cared enough to calm it down? When will it ever stop being about its phases?

Not all who have super powers use everything that they have, whether a villain or a super hero. Sometimes, the fear or the intimidation towards them are not because of what they are doing but of what they are capable of. Sometimes people birth monsters in their own heads.

-juliet 20190205 1422

When it All Falls Down

I woke up. I woke up from a dream I had, for a while it seemed as though it was my reality. But no, it was all a dream. Now I’m awake, back to the reality I left when I closed my eyes. All of a sudden I hear horns, I hear cars and my tires are slipping on the road. Oh it’s winter. But it was only fall when I went into my slumber. Strange. I’m back to where I was last winter but a lot has happened. Everything went back in place.

But it was like seeing a ghost, as time passes, you start to wonder if it even happened. Like walking into a really old haunted house, you see it empty because nobody lives there anymore, but you know something went down in this place. Deserted, abandoned, but still standing. As you walk on each and every step you find a piece so familiar it gives you flashbacks of what was. Then you start to ask yourself if you’re one of those loony mediums. Things keep rushing back in your mind, like silent movies starring:you. Only then you realize you’ve been here and yet it makes you think, how could you have forgotten a lot about this, you stayed here, weren’t you happy here? Your mind flooded with questions. You picked up your pace trying to remember what happened here, what have you done or what haven’t you? Then you saw a room, in the room there’s a shelf, full of boxes. You open one box and there were loose leaves of paper that had something on it. You start reading, they were memories but incomplete. They seemed like clips of episodes because you can’t remember. One page leads to another and until you realize you needed to find this other room, but you glanced at the shelf, there’s one more box. But if you open that now, you can no longer go to the other room. So as you have read everything else, that was all you had. But you knew you were going to battle. You rested on the thought that this wasn’t the first you have fought, you are a general. So you armoured-up, equipped yourself with all the weapons you thought you needed. Have all the tactics you’re going to need for the battle.

All geared up, you go in. But when you looked around, it was not the battlefield you imagined. You then looked for the booby traps. Then you saw a soldier sitting on a chair, everything seemed so familiar. He is armoured up too but he was just sitting. As time went by, there were times he took his helmet off but would just put it back on, and you did the same. Little by little you put down your weapons until all the visible weapons are down. He got out of the room, you followed him, everywhere he went, you followed because you were not giving up. Sometimes you would lose sight of him but in the end track him down. Sometimes he throws some things you don’t really know what it’s about, for you don’t remember everything. Tried and tested, you’re exhausted. Sometimes you bust in a room with tears falling down nonstop but you understand this, tasks need to be done. That was part of it.

One night, you felt comfortable enough to rest and sleep. Then you woke up the next morning in the other room with the shelf, with that last box beside you already open. You told yourself I’ll deal with that later but when you got up, you didn’t realize there was already one on your lap and was able to read some of it anyway. That’s when it all falls down, but you can’t just throw in the towel, that’s not you. You will see this battle through no matter what. You’re not a quitter, so you just had to suck it up. The box contained all of the reasons why you left this house for a very long time and burried its existence as deep as you can. But it made you ponder on things, that you started this so this shall be dealt with now.

So you went back to the other room. The soldier was still there, his helmet already off, the room seemed different, it made you question if it had always looked like that you just didn’t realize it. But no, you were sure. You decided to take this battle head on, and stripped yourself of all the weapons you had left, oh but a dagger.

Time went on, slowly you noticed changes from the house. You see pilars and rooms torn down but the house was still standing. Then you finally took out the dagger, put it down and said, “if revenge is what you’re after now is the perfect time to strike.” So then you wait after your words seem to echo across the entire house. The soldier comes out. All of a sudden, you hear the clock ticking, a clock you don’t even remember working. As you got distracted the soldier tried his strike, hit your arm. Just a dash but it bled. He was surprised, you didn’t run for cover. You just stood there pulled out a handkerchief and bandaged it up. Still standing you hear the clock again, ticking faster. You tried to walk up to the soldier and asked for forgiveness. Another hit, same spot, the wound got a little deeper but you wanted to see this battle through. All you can do is use your words for you have put all your weapons down. You don’t care if you’re bleeding because you got this. But then on that final blow, it got to you, the soldier stood up and walked out.

With the soldier gone, you hear something fall from a distance but it seemed loud because it echoed all around the house then you realize you’re all alone. But you have always loved solitude you love the solace it brings you. So with every strength you have left, you walked out of that house and finally slammed that door shut. Just as you did that the house crumbled and was demolished right before your eyes.

You make your way back home and nurse yourself back to health. But with little strength you have left you went to the post office to reroute your mail for the mean time. Then you go back home and you make a little to-do list of milestones as you get back up. And surprisingly, you have been crushing it day after day. On the fourth day you were already laughing your ass off. Then on the fourteenth day, you went back to the post office and undo the re-routing of your mail. You left the post office so proud of yourself. Little did you know that night you would have the courage to stand outside the soldier’s house. And you were okay, though nothing much has changed. But you weren’t on the part yet that you could tell your 16-year-old self to let the soldier stay. Then the days that felt like weeks passed by and suddenly, as you were washing your face you saw that 16-year-old. She looks excited, and then you tell her, in an hour kid will be a start of a road you’ll have to endure for a very long time, I’m not going to sugarcoat it, it’s a dirt road and sometimes there’s not even a path, but along the way you will learn a lot, from life and about yourself. You got this, the lessons you get out of this will be rewarding I tell you. You will come out a stronger warrior than you already are. Then, you have smiled your proudest until today. You never imagined you were stronger than you thought you were. Each and every day you knock a milestone or two out of your list.

Now you get up, out of bed, still with bandages but the wounds are healing faster. You look around, you see someone who told you she loves you all the time but seemed indifferent once the battle was over. You scuffed it off, people are like that sometimes. You walk around some more and you see two people one with tears in her eyes. The teary-eyed one said, “we’re okay, we’re fine, you’re gonna be fine.” You nod and say, “I am.” The other one said, “let’s just focus on the future now.” You smile and say, “I will”.

You get back to your walk and saw another person, she said, “it’s okay I’m here whenever you need me. Even if it’s 3am just call.” You learn about people, the ones who stay with you and the ones who just said they will. Let it go and cherish the ones who stayed. Then you went back to your room. An old man was there that’s when you broke to tears. Falling on your cheeks one after the other, you grinned and manage to say, “this is why I can never say no in going to battles for You. You’ve given me a lot to come home to, after every battle I always nurse myself back to a hundred percent no matter how much I was beaten up, because not once have You ever left me. I may not be one of your best soldiers but I am always Yours.” He just nodded in agreement.

One morning you wake up, and everything’s back to where it was, the wounds are all closed up, no more bruises. It made you think about the whole thing. Looked back on every single lesson you can get out of it.

Another day, and you get up, take a shower, cook breakfast, had your favourite part of the day – coffee time. You got dressed, got all-dolled up, and you smile looking at yourself again. Then you notice something new. There was a door that’s open. A door of a room you’ve never seen before. You decide to go in, it was a very clean room. All white, like an unpainted canvass, like a loose leaf. Then you see a chair. You sat down and it just feels right, but as you were getting comfortable, you heard something, it sounded like paper. You check on the chair was a note:

Hey kid, you like it? This is for you.

Are you wondering who’s going to be knocking on that door?

Then you thought, is this going to be another battle? But you were not yet a full 100. You read on,

The story is not over yet.

Your curiosity gets to you, so you decided to sit tight, relax and enjoy. You want to see this one through. It’s not another battle but a challenge. Challenge by choice, so you take your pick.

-juliet 20181203 1439

Fast Forward to…

All of a sudden it all makes sense

From a storm that seemed so intense

The moment has come that the dust settles

For a time that seemed too little

You’ve survived, you’re okay

When you spent such a long time looking away

Finally all is said and done

A new dawn has begun

You see it now

All the whys and hows

It all worked out for the best

Like you hoped for, like you dreamed of as the outcome of your test

It is everything you’ve ever hoped for and more

You feel as if you’re done opening doors

Because that one door is staying open

Your favourite place that listens

No more questions everything is clear

You got the words you’ve been meaning to hear

Nobody else could take that smile away

For you’re looking at the one who draws it until the end of your days

-juliet 20181002 2126

Stranger Tides

When an artist paints the whole world shuts down, no background noise, no nothing, just the artist and its canvas.  When a singer hums, it’s much more raw than when she’s in front of a crowd.  The tune is nude, with the singer’s heart beat as the instrument that leads it.  When a poet writes, the world doesn’t shut down, but it comes alive.  All the objects around him move with every stroke of his pen.  When a rock star is alone, with his guitar, even indoors he feels the breeze with every string he strums.

When an explorer discovers new land, no feast can ever express the greatness he feels about himself.  When a general wins a war, not even the grandest parade can beat the feeling of home.  That is why soldiers search for a wife, a lover, a family, something to look forward to when they come home.  Something or someone to come home to.

But for some, solitude is what they seek.  And the world does not understand, so it tends to destroy the spirit of such a warrior.  Someone different, is just abnormal and yet, when we look around nobody really is alike in the world.  The world would never permit happiness upon those who go against the tide, reminders are plastered all over the walls, magazines and even on the lips of those for the world.

There is no telling when it all ends, but I for one would want to come home and tell a great story of my life, rather than, tell a story that is somewhat similar to everyone elses.

Never

What’s stopping you from jumping off that platform?  What if you will just randomly cross the highway? What if it’s never going to get better?  What if it gets worse?  What if you’ve not done enough in your life?  What if you’ll always be inadequate?  What if no one will ever love you?  What if you’ll always feel this lonely?  What if you’ve wasted your time?  What if you’ll never be successful?  What if you’ll never get that place you’ve always wanted?  What if you’ll never get that dream life?  What if you’ll never get to your happy place?  What if you’re just stuck?  What if you’ll never wake up?  Will things be better?

It is almost time for me to level up and yes each and every day the challenge gets harder.  I suppose it is preparing me for the next level.  Should I be glad that it actually gets harder?  Would that mean that I actually am worthy of taking on whatever is on the next level?  That I actually am jumping levels instead of being stuck at level 20?

Sometimes you get tired and feel defeated without even going to battle.  Your mind exhausts you and you want the world to stop so badly but you can’t.  You know you should be grateful to open those eyes, but then there are days that you’d wish you could give it to someone else.  You wonder what is keeping you here.

For me, I don’t wish for a long life, I don’t find it necessary to get old.  I have been preparing and ready to go home, since I could remember.  There’s a song by Linkin Park, “Heavy”.  It goes, why is every thing so heavy. It’s one thing to understand what it means, it’s another to really fathom the meaning of the line.

Many times have I wanted to give up, but I always find myself in the battlefield the next day anyway.  I guess it’s the fighter in me that wakes me up in the morning, even if I don’t really want to get up.

I have always anchored on something that I read online, you’re still here not because of you but because someone needs you to be.  That maybe I may have some importance in this world.  Sometimes, they just don’t work anymore.  Sometimes you justo don’t want to be wherever you are.

Then you tell yourself, what if it gets better?  What if it won’t get worse?  What if you’ve done enough in your life?  What if you’ll be enough?  What if someone does love you?  What if you’ll not feel lonely anymore?  What if you’ve made progress over time?  What if you’ll be successful?  What if you’ll get that place you’ve always wanted?  What if you’ll get that dream life?  What if you’ll get to your happy place?  What if you’ll get out of this?  What if you’ll still wake up, and things get better?

-juliet 03202018 2014