Never

What’s stopping you from jumping off that platform?  What if you will just randomly cross the highway? What if it’s never going to get better?  What if it gets worse?  What if you’ve not done enough in your life?  What if you’ll always be inadequate?  What if no one will ever love you?  What if you’ll always feel this lonely?  What if you’ve wasted your time?  What if you’ll never be successful?  What if you’ll never get that place you’ve always wanted?  What if you’ll never get that dream life?  What if you’ll never get to your happy place?  What if you’re just stuck?  What if you’ll never wake up?  Will things be better?

It is almost time for me to level up and yes each and every day the challenge gets harder.  I suppose it is preparing me for the next level.  Should I be glad that it actually gets harder?  Would that mean that I actually am worthy of taking on whatever is on the next level?  That I actually am jumping levels instead of being stuck at level 20?

Sometimes you get tired and feel defeated without even going to battle.  Your mind exhausts you and you want the world to stop so badly but you can’t.  You know you should be grateful to open those eyes, but then there are days that you’d wish you could give it to someone else.  You wonder what is keeping you here.

For me, I don’t wish for a long life, I don’t find it necessary to get old.  I have been preparing and ready to go home, since I could remember.  There’s a song by Linkin Park, “Heavy”.  It goes, why is every thing so heavy. It’s one thing to understand what it means, it’s another to really fathom the meaning of the line.

Many times have I wanted to give up, but I always find myself in the battlefield the next day anyway.  I guess it’s the fighter in me that wakes me up in the morning, even if I don’t really want to get up.

I have always anchored on something that I read online, you’re still here not because of you but because someone needs you to be.  That maybe I may have some importance in this world.  Sometimes, they just don’t work anymore.  Sometimes you justo don’t want to be wherever you are.

Then you tell yourself, what if it gets better?  What if it won’t get worse?  What if you’ve done enough in your life?  What if you’ll be enough?  What if someone does love you?  What if you’ll not feel lonely anymore?  What if you’ve made progress over time?  What if you’ll be successful?  What if you’ll get that place you’ve always wanted?  What if you’ll get that dream life?  What if you’ll get to your happy place?  What if you’ll get out of this?  What if you’ll still wake up, and things get better?

-juliet 03202018 2014

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At a carnival or a waterpark, a concert or a street parade, all gives you a guarantee of a crowd.  But they could still be the lonliest places to be for the people who are living their nightmares instead of pursuing their dreams.  You always feel alone in a crowd if you are with a stranger.
A stranger should not only mean someone you don’t know, he or she could be someone you used to care about but not anymore.  He or she could be your best friend since forever who didn’t stay the same. Or a loved one, you would once give everything up, but can’t even look at them anymore.  Then again, I guess the word still fits- stranger.
We seldom realize or take notice how relationships just drift away, how you are forced by life to let something go. But sometimes, no matter how much you try to let something go, life just reels you back in.
Things that make you ponder whether your life is really yours. Force, you decide if you’ll resist or submit, either way it’s still there. Rules, written or not, whether you break it or live by it, rules are rules. Rights, acknowledged or stepped on, whether you respect it or not, it exists. Crimes, caught or done perfectly under the radar, whether against the laws of the people or the laws of nature, a crime is a crime.
Life pretty much gets you when you least expect it, just when you get comfortable in a place, you discover molds on the couch. By the time you finally let go of something or someone, a ghost suddenly shows up.  But the surprises always make life worth living. No matter how this tired old cliche may be, but it sure does come in handy, stay positive and live your life.  Today is the youngest you’ll ever be.

Juliet – 07212015 – 0000