So…

Your end game keeps you motivated on the daily.  During the bad days, your end game keeps you from breaking down, on the good times, it’s what makes it better.  While people are looking for people to stay and make their lives better, a lot of us are gearing towards that happy place we wanted.  One Sunday afternoon that you don’t dread for Monday to come, in a space where you’re safe and joyful.  Having coffee and tell yourself, and everything else from here is just gravy.

One day that you actually want to sleep because you’re looking forward to tomorrow.  One day when you don’t hang on to, as what you used to call them, those little moments of bliss, in the morning when you don’t realize who you are, what you’re supposed to do or what life you have, milliseconds after you wake up.  One day when everything you want is happening so the down times ain’t so bad because the good times outweigh them.  If that makes sense.

-juliet 03312018 1646

Advertisements

Never

What’s stopping you from jumping off that platform?  What if you will just randomly cross the highway? What if it’s never going to get better?  What if it gets worse?  What if you’ve not done enough in your life?  What if you’ll always be inadequate?  What if no one will ever love you?  What if you’ll always feel this lonely?  What if you’ve wasted your time?  What if you’ll never be successful?  What if you’ll never get that place you’ve always wanted?  What if you’ll never get that dream life?  What if you’ll never get to your happy place?  What if you’re just stuck?  What if you’ll never wake up?  Will things be better?

It is almost time for me to level up and yes each and every day the challenge gets harder.  I suppose it is preparing me for the next level.  Should I be glad that it actually gets harder?  Would that mean that I actually am worthy of taking on whatever is on the next level?  That I actually am jumping levels instead of being stuck at level 20?

Sometimes you get tired and feel defeated without even going to battle.  Your mind exhausts you and you want the world to stop so badly but you can’t.  You know you should be grateful to open those eyes, but then there are days that you’d wish you could give it to someone else.  You wonder what is keeping you here.

For me, I don’t wish for a long life, I don’t find it necessary to get old.  I have been preparing and ready to go home, since I could remember.  There’s a song by Linkin Park, “Heavy”.  It goes, why is every thing so heavy. It’s one thing to understand what it means, it’s another to really fathom the meaning of the line.

Many times have I wanted to give up, but I always find myself in the battlefield the next day anyway.  I guess it’s the fighter in me that wakes me up in the morning, even if I don’t really want to get up.

I have always anchored on something that I read online, you’re still here not because of you but because someone needs you to be.  That maybe I may have some importance in this world.  Sometimes, they just don’t work anymore.  Sometimes you justo don’t want to be wherever you are.

Then you tell yourself, what if it gets better?  What if it won’t get worse?  What if you’ve done enough in your life?  What if you’ll be enough?  What if someone does love you?  What if you’ll not feel lonely anymore?  What if you’ve made progress over time?  What if you’ll be successful?  What if you’ll get that place you’ve always wanted?  What if you’ll get that dream life?  What if you’ll get to your happy place?  What if you’ll get out of this?  What if you’ll still wake up, and things get better?

-juliet 03202018 2014

Your Thoughts on… 

With the year coming to a close,  things rush into your head like a review of a movie that came out this year,  starring you and everybody you’ve interacted with in supporting roles. What has been said; what you have done;  how you’ve reacted or how you should’ve,  could’ve or would’ve reacted and otherwise. Then you ask yourself,  what is an old soul’s business in this modern day?  A time when people are the most sensitive to other people’s feelings but not morals.  Well,  I don’t mean to forget about the rebels. A rebel without a cause, a phrase brought to life by some this day and age. 
Many times have people thought and even sure that the world will end,  pointing fingers on the four horsemen being among us,  walking among us.  Nobody knows but the Father the Bible says,  not even the Son.  But men’s arrogance went so far as calculating when it is. 
Indeed we have come to an age where having morals are being frowned upon by the majority.  Doing the right thing was never easy.  Empathy is as rare as common sense.  Feelings matter more than logic. I have always come back to that essay Paul Harvey wrote entitled,  If I were the devil, the essay has come to life if we try to look around the world today.  To summarize it,  it’s about the modern times,  and what it is today. 
I understand how people have been hesitant to talk about what they believe in, in terms of religion,  what their opinions are in terms of politics and their overall thoughts on everyday things to not offend. Like what our older generations love to point out,  as the idea of our dogs getting neutered creeped into one of our norms,  have we lost ours as well? 

These thoughts don’t come from a high horse or from someone who claims to have a moral high ground but I try.  The tone of these thoughts are rooted from disappointment because as the beings on top of the food chain, we ought to be better. 
-Juliet 12102017

1506 mdst

emo, woman, doubts, feelings, past, hurt, emotion

Thoughts Of A Woman In Heels

 

Dear space,

I have always wanted to remember how it was to be at peace with myself. I do have some trust issues. This makes me questions every single thing existing around me.  I doubt every single detail in someone’s statement. I barely believe the things that I see.

It is not fun at all.

To have second thoughts on everything makes my mind too crowded, congested with thoughts that drown my emotions. While others say they have a hole within them, I seem to have this big boulder inside my chest – a heavy feeling that I could not understand.

I used to blame this on an experience. A black shadow that covered most of my happy thoughts, letting only the darker past visible to my memory. I used to blame this on things that I cannot see. I used to blame everything but I was always unsure.

Then I was told that I should come to my senses. They said this was just me. I have been overthinking about myself, about everything. No one wants to hurt me. No one wants to fool me. They said I am the one making this big of a misery to myself.

So how am I to end this?  I couldn’t just let it go. Should I just believe on the lies that I hear? Should I just get myself be fooled by all the bogus lingering around me? Should I just let myself be free of the doubts?

I have always wanted to remember how it was to be at peace with myself .I want to be at peace with myself.  How could I be at peace, if I myself don’t know what it means?

 

Thinking out loud,

 

MATILDA